Bipolarandpregnant – I am proud of you….CLEARLY you are working to face the BP and not let it run your life. YOU are already ahead of the race. Okay, reality check. YES, as your instincts are screaming, making any decisions is a bad idea at the moment as what you are feeling at this moment, will just as easily change the opposite way in time. That doesn’t mean that what you are feeling is wrong either. SO…your big issue is what to do until you are on your meds with the pregnancy over and you become stable and can feel confident in your decisions….certainly the pro/con list can help. But here is another way to go…sit down CALMLY and have a very frank conversation with this man who is your child’s father. With no anger, communicate with compassion for what a tough position he is in at the moment with you. Share you don’t want to be mean, or rash, you want to sort through this menagerie of emotion being thrown into a melting pot and overwhelming you via BP and pregnancy. Where he fits right now you simply don’t know and are trying to be honest with him. Give him some books on BP, print out some posts so he can perhaps understand…etc. Tell him you recognize that seems so unfair, and you are sorry. Right now you need some space and would prefer he, for a time, sleep in another room. The pressure of all the emotions are flying at too high an octane, and you need to ease some of it off or you will not be able to fully control your impulses that could end up being hurtful to him – like what happened the other night. Explain you recognize it most likely has nothing to do with him and therefore you don’t want to do that if possible and you feel this would be a solution that would ease off the pressure for you, and yet allow the two of you to still remain somewhat close. Plus, you can see he has some decisions to make as well, and he needs to see what dealing with you and the swings of BP will be like if you two were to stay together, and HE needs to make sure that is something HE wants for HIS life. That you recognize that he will always be your child’s father and no matter what happens with the two of you…you want to find ways of supporting that, whether you over time stay together or not. Share with him the decisions you feel you need to look at - stay with him or not, go home to get some help from mom, go back to school…etc… Share with him what ultimately you feel you want in your life.
By doing this, you will find out several new things about
this man as well. You will learn of HIS character so that when you feel confident as to whether or not you want to stay with him, how he handles your
open honestly about
it all plays a part. Does he react resentful or supportive and understanding? Does he step up and become a rock you can lean on as you sort it through, or does he punish you for what you are saying and going through? Does he think of you and his child in the decisions you are sharing you need to make and try to help sort out what will make YOU happiest over time, or is it all about
HIM? ALL of that information will tell you whether this will work over time and make YOU happy or not. Then, ALL that becomes part of rational decision making when the time comes. Also, if you have some close friends you respect their choices and see stability about
them emotionally, explain what is going on and ask permission from them to use them as a sounding board and source of rational input for you. Now is a good time to rely on people you trust.
To let you know, I am a spouse and mother to BP’s, and my patience and understanding ALWAYS goes WAY up when I receive frank honesty about
what is going on, vs. having things taken out on me. So I am speaking from experience. Example: On thanksgiving my H came to me and said he knows he is being WAY to negatively aggressive, snapping at every little thing…etc., and he was sorry, he doesn’t know what is going on – maybe his meds were off for some reason - and there is nothing for me to do but be patient with him and try and understand. I said, “Thank you for letting me know, let me know if there is something I could do for him”, and then I gave him his space, and didn’t take things personally. Plus, by his sharing with me like that allowed him to then get better control of it because he was HONEST about
it vs. trying to hide it or pretend it didn’t exist. He stayed observant of his own reactions and saw things were off and was able to manually override a "feeling/impulse" for better responses.
I know your decisions are big, but if you continue to own what is happening and trust in being honest about
it, the right answers will reveal themselves in time. Give ALL of you that chance to figure it out. Being a spouse is no easier than being the one with BP.
My best to you all. Sorry for the length. LFW
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 12/3/2008 10:22:01 AM (GMT-7)