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Posted 3/23/2009 11:43 AM (GMT 0)
Does anybody have any experience with codependant relationships. Im looking for a book or to share some other experiences with the group. I was in a 7 year relationship in my early 20s and I really thought this girl was the one. My drinking and BP ran her into the ground in those seven years and she broke it off because she wasnt developing as a person. I swore this would never happen again.

Well here I am a decade or so later with the stakes being much higher. I have two kids and a house. My drinking and BP has run my wife into the ground. I need to own this and take full responsibility for whats mine and what was in my control. She mentioned something to me about being codependant the other night and I flashed back and I became filled with dread. I had done it again. I had wasted years of another persons life and held them back. I had made my wife the center of my universe and I did so many things to make up for the drinking, the lying, the anger and temper issues. I made it so she couldnt live without me in the hopes that she would continue to tolerate my drinking, BP, etc. I made her dependant on me and I was dependant on her, sucking the life out of her.

Instead of making her and others the center of my universe we should have been two galaxies going around in the universe together, seperate and whole but in a partnership. Cheesy metaphor, I know. I just started AA and I am going back to my talk therapist, I am also going to an outpatient addiction program. I would give anything to undo what I have done. I want to be a whole person again, again? maybe for the first time ever.

Please share, Thanks.

Notonapositivetrip

Posted 3/23/2009 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
Two books about co-dependency I know of and have read are The Language of Letting Go and Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beatty. They are both very good books and very useful.

serafena
Posted 3/26/2009 1:18 PM (GMT 0)
I am co-dependent on my parents. I have spent so many years being abused by them that I have for some odd reason become co-dependent on them. I detest them yet I can't imagine living away from them. I am unable to develop a life of my own. I feel guilty for wasting their money on my manic shopping sprees. I loathe them for wasting so many years of my life with abuse. I am full of emotions and I don't know what to do with them so I guess I am in the same boat as you.
Posted 3/26/2009 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
shebsy

I feel your pain and I am so sorry. I think its one of the hardest things to break. I am reading Breaking free of the codependency trap and I am only 13 pages in and the pages are all yellow from my highlighter and covered in notes with pen. There are check lists and it says if you check more than half you have serious work to do. I checked them all but four and I double-checked others.

This has happened to me before with a girl I thought I was going to marry. When she wanted out I had to do it and I literally felt like something was literally ripping me in half. I swore I would never let that happen again. Guess what, I did it again and it is costing me dearly as we speak. It is a trap and there is so much that needs to be resolved before you can have a relationship with someone else. Theres a lot of healing that has to take place and its going to hurt more and more but you need to fight through the pain or its just going to keep coming back.

I am going to look for a codependency support group in my area as soon as I am done my addiction program. Watch out though, there are two schools of thought about codependency, one is that its an incurable disease like drug or alcohol addiction and another which the book above discusses is that its caused by trauma. I mean early trauma from early child hood though I suspect it can be from life long trauma as well though I havnt got that far. The books position is that you can overcome it with information, coping tools, self-healing, and proper support. I am not trying to sell this book, just sharing the experience. I think this is a pervasive and serious issue. We as humans are not supposed to go through life alone. If we cant make good partners we are doomed to fail and make the same mistakes over and over, causing others more pain. many of us already do this with our BP never mind anything else. Reach out , the help is there.
Posted 6/27/2009 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Man,

Sorry to hear about your situation, it gets so hard, everything in life seems like a swirl in a drain, dark and negative with the relationship falling apart. That is what I experienced. My relationship was doomed. I drank and smoked pot and she had her issues. But I can tell you that everything change, I have beat my addiction and her character issues are much better. We work together, live together, hang out together, about to have our first kid and life is good. Our relationship is not perfect of course but it is light years away from what it was. What changed? Jesus changed our lives, God took away my addictions (my urges and habits) and changed her as well. God put new friends and connections in our path to help sustain our new changes. It was not overnight, we had to work on things, forgive each other and have patience but now that I look back on the last year and a half it truly is a new life.


{I edited out a large part of your message as it was proselytizing and we don't do that here on HealingWell. Please see Rule #11. No posts of an overtly political or religious nature OR posts promoting advocacy of particular personal, medical, legal, religious, political, or non-profit causes. The forums are intended for offering mutual personal support. Debating controversial subjects should be taken elsewhere. Limited religious references are allowed (ie. "my prayers are with you" or a brief quote as part of a larger post), but the forums should not be used to convert others. -- Serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 6/27/2009 6:13:25 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/27/2009 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
I, too, struggle with co-dependency every day.  I learned a lot from reading books on it.  Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Posted 6/28/2009 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hi julian,

Thanks for joining HealingWell and the bipolar board. It's good to have you. I'd love to have you join our discussion. Let me point you to the forum rules before you post further. When you're ready, hop on in.

Thanks,
serafena
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