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I just want to give up.

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Posted 6/1/2009 3:29 PM (GMT 0)
I have NEVER had mood changes this fast before. I have been dealing with these mood swings since I was around 11 or 12 years old, I am now 25, and they have either lasted a couple of days or weeks, maybe a month or two a couple of times. Right now, I am going through what people as describe as a "manic" mood, but also having the depression AT THE SAME TIME. Also, my moods have been changing within hours...I have no clue what's going on, It has never been this bad. My body and mind are so drained. Has anyone does this stuff? I wish it was possible to live without your brain for a bit, I just need a break from being "me". I'm really wanting to drink right now, but I know that will just make it worse, plus all the liquor stores are all ready closed.


Ok, I've been reading about different things and I'm either going through a mixed state , or rapid cycling, or going through Ultradian, which is ultra rapid cycling. I'm not a stupid person and I'm not weak...I just don't understand why this is happening now. I'm having enough trouble trying to deal with myself right now...then you throw in there a seven year old, a new born, and a somewhat lazy, selfish husband, who is rarely home, and a home to take care of, along with having no family around to help out...I'm just having trouble dealing with all this. I'm trying to read more, so that I understand a little better what is going on with me, but it's not really doing much to help me understand why this is all going on. I don't know what to do. Nothing that I'm doing is helping.
Posted 6/1/2009 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
Lindz,

It definitely sounds like you're in a mixed state, and that's really painful. I'm so sorry. You've got to give the meds time to work. You're probably experiencing some of it because you're post partum, because your sleep patterns are all screwed up (sleep is really crucial to bipolars), because you're stressed out, because you have little support.

Do you have an anti-anxiety pill? You might want to put a call into the doc and tell him/her how badly you're suffering and ask if there's something you can take while you're waiting for the anti-psych to kick in.

Good work resisting the drinking, keep it up!

serafena
Posted 6/1/2009 6:43 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Lindz,

You are not alone.  Don't despair...I know what you are going through and sometimes it makes a tiny bit of difference to know that other people do feel similar feelings.

Try not to withdraw from everyone.  There are people who understand.  Keep posting.  I care!

Jackie

Posted 6/1/2009 7:15 PM (GMT 0)
Lindz,
I'm sorry things are not going well for you right now. You are doing the right thing by posting here and NOT drinking. If you are on meds, you do need to give them some time to work.

I know you have time and money issues but I think you need to look at a support group in your area. Check online with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org). When I first found out my boyfriend (now husband) was BP I found this site very helpful. They have listings of support groups by state & region complete with phone numbers. Someone there may be able to give you some help with how to get through right now.

Keep posting here - we are more than happy to be your support group too!

BPWife
Posted 6/1/2009 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there Lindz...you have to give the meds a lot of time to work. Even without being bipolar, having a home to take care of along with young children is a chore. Try and relieve some of your anxiousness by relaxing with the kids. Like park trips etc. I hope you understand the importance of not giving up and seeing your treatment through. It is hard, but once you are stabilized you will be able to see the forest through the trees. ((((hugs))))
Posted 6/2/2009 12:40 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your words. As bad as it sounds, It does help knowing that you all have been through these things or something similar. I'm not happy that others are going through these things, I wish ya'll the best with everything, but it does help to know I'm not alone and that there are people out there that understand not only what I'm saying, but also what I'm feeling. That's a hard thing to find these days.

I understand that this might be caused by postpartum...but isn't that where you can't bond with the child and want to hurt them? I don't want to hurt either of my kids, sometimes I get very frustrated or want to leave, but not hurt them and I'm not having problems bonding with them. Also, if it is postpartum, why wasn't it this bad after I had my daughter? I have found a support group that is in my area, I just have to find a time when I can get my husband to watch the kids, so I can go. I'm trying to stay on top of the meds, but I've already missed this entire week-end. I just started today and I've been dizzy and had a horrible headache all day. Although, that's usually how the meds affect me for the first week or two, so I'm kind of used to it.
Posted 6/2/2009 2:45 PM (GMT 0)
That's what we are here for! We write to help each other out and let each other know that no one is alone.

I don't know much about post partum but I have read that it does not always happen after each childbirth.

I am VERY glad that you looked into a support group and found one near you. Perhaps there is a meeting time when your oldest is in school and you can bring your youngest. I'm sure no one would mind having your youngest there once you explained your situation.

Keep up with the meds! This side effects have passed before so I'm sure they will again.

You're on the right track and trying to do the right thing for yourself and your family - keep up the good work and post here any time you like.

BPWife
Posted 6/2/2009 4:21 PM (GMT 0)
(((HUGS)))
Posted 6/2/2009 5:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lindz,

We have been there and absolutely do want to make it easier for you. That's one of the benefits of coming to the forum. Come here and get some feedback. No one is complaining -- we just want to help you feel better.

As to postpartum. I'm no doc. I'm speaking more generally of the chaotic mess of hormones that cause depression postpartum. It doesn't occur with every pregnancy and it doesn't need to be so severe that it progresses to the point where you can't bond with your child. Those are degrees of severity. But every doc worth his salt is on guard for post partum depression or psychosis when you have someone with a history of depression or bipolar giving birth. Even the pediatrician was checking up on me when I took my baby in for check ups.

I tell you this so you give yourself a little break. You've just been through something huge -- life changing and traumatic for your body. Your hormones are all over the place. It doesn't make it fun, but it might explain some of why your mood swings are so severe for you right now. All the more reason to stay in treatment and get balanced out. Be healthy for your children.

Hang in there with us!
serafena
Posted 6/4/2009 1:48 AM (GMT 0)
I am trying although I did give in to eight shots of tequila tonight...I was just trying to calm down a bit. I know it's not good for me, but the kids and husband were in bed. I feel bad, but I don't,...maybe I do still have a drinking problem.
Posted 6/4/2009 7:47 PM (GMT 0)
Lindz,
If you had a drinking problem before, you still have it so you shouldn't be using shots of tequila as a way to calm down. Don't beat yourself up over it because it happened yesterday and you need to live for today, but try other ways to calm yourself. Read a tabloid magazine or bake some cookies or do some at home yoga techniques or post here BEFORE you take the drink.

We are all here for you and you are in our thoughts. (((HUGS)))

You will get through this as you seem very strong.

Good luck.

BPWife
Posted 6/22/2009 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
I can completely understand, I have rapid cycling mixed episodes often. I am patiently awaiting my meds to kick in and get to their therapeutic levels, it is so frustrating. People try to understand, but to be honest I would be hard to live with or be friends with. I am just so up and down, it's beyond devastating to your social life, not to mention every other area. Hang in there, it's all I can do everyday - I am thinking of you.
Posted 6/25/2009 3:43 PM (GMT 0)
I hope I can wait until my Dr. appt in July.  I am hurting today, can not hardly function or concentrate at work.  Fear of losing job because I do nothing well in any area of my life.  I just wish I could escape the working world for a while to get myself together.  I know what you mean about the moods bouncing like a ping pong ball, I want to cry, scream, run away from everything.  Husband is trying to be supportive but is really driving me crazy as well.  I am in a leave me alone or I am going to scream mood.  I have been working 50 + hours a week and I am not up to this.  I have got to get some help soon.  I have worked for over 30 years and I am tired, I want to take a break.  I have long term disability at my job and I am praying the new PDoc will realize how much I am suffering and take me out of work before I admit myself to the hospital and refuse to leave. 

Thanks for letting me vent, I have no one to talk to except this forum and I do not know what I would do without it. shocked

Gem

Posted 6/30/2009 3:53 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your posts. I am feeling a little better, thank you. How are ya'll doing these days? I hope ya'll are hanging in these and not letting yourselves give up. Best wishes to all.

Lindz
Posted 6/30/2009 12:28 PM (GMT 0)
No giving up.  Even as terrible as I felt last week, I feel much better now.  I have come to realize that something is terribly out of whack in my life, and it is me.  It is up to me to take better care of myself, stop working so many hours and take a different path.  that is my goal for the summer, make the necessary lifestyle changes to help me feel better and cope, with the help of my physician and my great support group at healingwell.

Hope everyone has a great day!  XXOO

Gem

Posted 6/30/2009 1:38 PM (GMT 0)

Hello - I am brand new here today and am always looking for support sites.  I sufferred from anxiety which escalated last year and left me so debilitated that I had to quit my job.  Was diagnosed with BP - severe mood fluctuations and other symptoms.  Some days I literally thought I was dying in bed and I couldn't get out of bed.  Tried many meds, was suicidal - even had a plan I have never shared.  Have been seeing a psyche.  I finally stabilized with trial and error on meds.  But I still occasionally had bad days and even weeks.  Something will set me off and the past couple days have been especially rough.  Since I can't work finances have been difficult to say the least.  WAges for my husband here in the rural midwest are so low and many employers do not have benefits so we have been without health insurance for about 4 years.  My former employer didn't even offer it and I worked in an insurance office!  I hate it that my husband has to work two jobs, when there is extra work and that will set me off.  It took him 3 years to even find a full time job here.  Moving is not an option.  Seems like everything is against us and my situation is not helping. sad   Many days I think if I had any money I would run away so I wouldn't  be such a burden, but my parents are both gone and I have nothing to my name.

Posted 6/30/2009 1:52 PM (GMT 0)
You do have something, you have a husband that loves you and is willing to work two jobs because you can't right now.  That does not mean you will not be able to work in the future.  I know how hard it can be and how bleak things can look sometime, I have been down that road.  But all things pass and I hope starting right now that they get better for you.  We are always here to help and you can vent anytime.  I too am an anxiety sufferer and have been on many meds, some helped, some did not.  You have to decide what is right for you.  Try to figure out what is causing your anxiety and what you can do about it.  Every little small step in the right direction, is one step closer to feeling well.  Chat me up anytime.

Gem

Posted 6/30/2009 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
I hear you 3 black dogs, I had to stop working too, in March, after being diagnosed with BP disorder, mixed and rapid cycling, still trying to find right med. combination. We were used to two incomes and finances are tight to say the least, not to mention TONS of medical bills. My husband works full time and does everything around here, I feel like such a burden too. He would sure like a break, but I'm too sick to barely get out of bed these days, hang in there is all I can say because I feel the same exact way. I have no contact with my parents, so it's as though they aren't around either.
Posted 7/1/2009 2:48 AM (GMT 0)
At least we all have each other.   turn    My parents are both deceased, but I find it difficult for others to understand what we are going through, even my siblings aren't all that sympathetic and we are very close.  Everyone will say yeah, yeah, I am tired, too.  My big toe hurts, etc.  But they don't get the mental and psychological pain and suffering that we have no control over.  It is hard to explain to them.  Nobody gets it until they go through it and I wouldn't really wish it on anybody.  I find when I am in public I am pretty much in control, except when I was really down I had an outburst in the psyche office when two teen brothers were squabling.  I actually told them to knock it off and they did.  Their caretaker was doing nothing.  I break down in the psyche office a lot and in front of my husband and son.  When I was really bad and I thought I was dying I called my daughter crying.  Then I felt bad later cause she sure has her hands full with 4 kids.  My son is single and hangs out with me when my husband isn't home.  We watch movies together.  He is good company.
Posted 7/1/2009 1:01 PM (GMT 0)
I know exactly what you mean.  My parents are deceased and my sisters who are older have never understood what I went through.  I just talk to them periodically and tell them just what they want to hear, so I do not have to listen to their stupid, sorry but some of the things they say to me are just plain stupid, remarks.  Like, you are not depressed, just get going, every one has down days, etc.  That is the last thing you want to hear!

You sound better today, I hope you are feeling better.

Gem

Posted 7/1/2009 1:13 PM (GMT 0)
I had a bad few hours, but I got myself out of the house.  It was a really nice day.  I live in the midwest and we are always in the extreme temp and humidity wise, and do not have many nice days (something that can set off depression).  But yesterday was so nice I took one of my short walks to one of my favorite places and just sat in the sun for a while.  Until some other people showed up, that is.  It is a small local lake and for some reason the place I was sitting was the prime fishing spot on that whole empty lake yesterday.

When I made my excursion to CA last year for my birthday to visit my brother who had recently moved there, and my sister flew down from Seattle we had a nice week together.  My brother took all the best photos and put together a bound book from one of those internet sites, with witty narration.  I love this book and it is helpful to feel connected to that time and my siblings.

So how are you feeling.  Do you have extreme days or have you leveled out at all.  I talk about myself too much and. 

Posted 7/1/2009 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
My day so far is ok.  I have had alot of ups and downs the last few years.  Been on the med merry-go-round.  I use to talk about what was going on with me all the time.  I think at some point it is good to get it all out but, i reach a point that I knew I was not going to get better if I did not stop thinking about it all the time.  I found when I was really distracted with something, I forgot about it, if only temporarily.  I am very sensitive to pharmacueticals and always had a physically bad time with the side effects.  Right now I am off of everything except xanax to sleep, but I take much less of it than I use to.  My PDoc retired in December and I have an appointment with a new one on July 15th.  I have tried to change my lifestyle (working less hours, reading, etc), eat really well, take vitamins and minerals and walk a little everyday.  It does help, but I know with my past history that it is highly likely that I will wake up on morning "in the cellar" so to speak.  So I just try and push past it when things get really rough and hang on until I can see my new Dr. and perhaps a new insight will get me on the right path.

 

I hope good days are just around the corner you and me!

Gem

Posted 7/1/2009 2:56 PM (GMT 0)
I was really lucky to find a PDoc 5 or 6 yrs ago when I first went to the ER for anxiety attacks.  He was a last year resident who ended up staying in the town I worked in.  He was so caring and considerate that I continued to see him and he knew me like the back of his hand.  For a while I was seeing him weekly until I was on track.  He moved to his home town a 3 hour drive away and I really missed him.  Last year when I started havimg problems again I knew better than to go to the old Pdocs who seem to be wearing blinders, I had been seeing for other things cause they just didn't know me like he did so my husband set up the appt, I took all my latest blood work.  He was actually extremely happy to see me and remembered everything we had been through.  AFter two visits with him he sent me to the psyche.  It is hard to get a good Pdoc, then have them move away.
Posted 7/1/2009 3:19 PM (GMT 0)

You were very lucky to have a PDoc that you really connected with you.  I think that is so important. I am sorry he moved away. Mine was older and getting ready to retire and really just kept handing out prescriptions hoping that we would find one that worked, unfortunately we never did, then he retired and I did OK for a while but the last couple of months have been tough, that is why I made an appt with a new one and I so hope that I can find that good connection with him.  If not, I will keep looking.  My old PDoc said I "may" be bipolar but I really think I have very high anxiety, hyper activity and I really did not have problems with depression until I started getting bounced around on psych meds.  So I am going into this new appt with an open mind and we will see what happens. turn

Gem

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