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Posted 6/5/2009 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
I'm having a little trouble guys.

My depression has come back with a vengeance, and quick. I've been having a really crummy year and I guess it's all just catching up with me. My cat died a week and a half ago, and that's when it started, but that's not really what it's about. I just can't take any more. I don't want to deal with anything any more. I don't want to work. I don't want to deal with my family. I don't want to deal with my house. We talked to a mortgage specialist last week about refinancing our home and afterwards I just cried and cried because I could barely understand what he had said and it was just too much for me to deal with. I feel like everything is messy and dirty but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. I just want to sleep. Yesterday I had a bad day at work. My thoughts turned very black and I just didn't want to live anymore. Of course, I'm not so far gone I didn't realize that was really scary. I told my husband and I called my doctor. I have an appointment for Monday. My therapist is on vacation (of course). But I'm worried and I keep thinking that I just want to go to the hospital and have a rest.

Thanks for listening,
serafena
Posted 6/6/2009 5:00 AM (GMT 0)
(((Hugs))Serafena,

I am sorry that you are not feeling well, I totally understand how you feel. I have been feeling off myself. I hope you feel better soon, you have been through a lot this year.

Olivia :-)
Posted 6/6/2009 5:26 AM (GMT 0)

 

Hi Serafena,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about how you are feeling.  I'm sending you a big warm hug!  I wish that you could feel it.

(((Hugs)))

 

Well first of all you know that staying in bed all day is NOT an option.  You really need to force yourself to get out of bed as much as possible.  I know the fatigue is there, so a nap a day should be sufficient.

 

Plan at least a couple of activities that will require you to get out of bed.  Get your hubby involved and makes some plans with the kids or just the two of you.

 

If you can't think of anything, ask your husband to figure out some plans.  You don't have to be surrounded by a lot of people either.  Go for a nice walk somewhere.  Buy some flowers and maybe do a little bit of  planting and get your hands into the earth.

 

Try some art therapy.  Even if you can plan something for yourself, but try to make it productive.  Do you have a hobby to focus on.  Maybe make some pot holders out of your yard collection.  They are fast to make and you can get instant gratification from that.  Wrap them up as little gifts for friends and maybe bake a batch of some cookies to go along with it?  That will keep you busy and should make you feel better that you are also making others feel good.

 

Monday will be hear soon enough and then you can get some medication adjustments from your doctor.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your cat!  (((Hugs)))

 

Please post as much as possible so that we can help you during this time.

 

Sincerely, ~Sukay~ blush

Posted 6/6/2009 1:37 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks girls! I'm doing my best and have to work this weekend, so we'll see how that goes.

serafena
Posted 6/6/2009 3:21 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry that your Cat died..... you wont believe it but my cat died recently...... It was devastating........

I hope that things get better.... soon..

hugs, Caren

Bipolar 1

Posted 6/6/2009 7:56 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry you are going through a rough time right now :( Remember that we are all still here for you and most of us know exactly what you are feeling. So never feel alone.

Make sure that you force yourself out of bed, and try to plan an easy activity or two each day to keep you moving.

And do not get too upset about the mortgage stuff. We are going through a refinance right now and trust me...they may have well been talking another language. I did not even try to understand....just signed where I needed to :)

You give so much wonderful advice to the rest of us on this forum...it's in a time like this that you need to listen to yourself. I hope this weekend goes well for you. Monday will be here soon. ((((hugs))))
Posted 6/7/2009 1:07 AM (GMT 0)
((hugs)) I hope you've managed to have a decent weekend. I'm not sure about your weather, but have you had a sudden change to duller weather? I know that can be a huge depression trigger! Maybe if you can try to identify what is making you sad you'll better be able to handle it?
Posted 6/7/2009 5:05 PM (GMT 0)

 

Hello Serafena,

 

 

I just want to let you know that I am thinking about you! 

 

 

(((Big Warm Hug)))

 

 

I hope everything goes well for you today!

 

 

Let us know how things work out for you on Monday.

 

blush  
Posted 6/7/2009 11:59 PM (GMT 0)

Serafena,

I just wanted to send some encouragement your way. Remember these feelings won't last forever, they are only temperary. You have been there for me even though I am new and I want to support you. I hope you do feel better soon. I will be thinking of you in this time of need.

Sincerely,

Learning2deal

Posted 6/8/2009 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
Oh (((Hugs))) Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a little better today. My job went okay today. I actually made it through today without having to call home without encouragement!

serafena
Posted 6/8/2009 3:35 PM (GMT 0)
Serafena,
I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time the past couple of days. I am thinking of you especially today and hope all goes well with the doctor. You have been so helpful to so many of us here so you should know how important you are to many people you haven't even met. I know I wouldn't have made it through without your advice and compassion.

BIG ((HUGS)) to you!

And I am hoping that this is just a trigger due to weather and some of the stress you've had. Losing a pet and dealing with complex finances can make anyone (with or without BP) want to just crawl under the covers and never come back.

I'm glad yesterday went better for you. Keep us posted on how your dr's appointment went.

Sending GOOD thoughts your way!!!

BPWife
Posted 6/9/2009 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
Serafena, You are not alone in your feelings of overwhelm at ALL.

First, my condolences on your cat. Losing a pet is NEVER easy. I know you'll miss her/him.

Second, I am beginning to have a theory about something. So I'll put it out to you and see what you think.... I think our world right now has a lot of despair in it with the economy. EVERYONE I know is feeling the heat. I think in some ways we are all spending our time feeling scared ALL the time. It is a feeling we can't put down. Then, when we allow ourselves to REALLY think about what it all means, we get completely overwhelmed because it feels SO big (like not being able to follow what the financial guy was saying – sounds simple enough…but the issue is so big and scary our mind just wants to run away from what feels like the pending disaster). It feels like we are suddenly against this tidal wave and we feel it pressing down on us, so we just shut off. A lot of feeling of "what's the point, it is going to happen no matter what we do, so just sit down and feel the loss now." ONLY....it really hasn't fully happened yet...but we know it is trying to come at us. So my theory is this, IF we spend enough time in this state, it can mimic levels of depression. Only, it’s an external source creating it, vs. a chemical thing. AND it is a situation that is real, and we are not “creating it”. My thought is that MANY people went through this during the great depression as they watched their lives, livelihood & finances disappear. After WWII...etc. Now it is our generations version of it and it is scary. Did any of that just make sense? So, I'm not saying a med adjustment isn't in order, just that some of it is really also dealing in some BIG issues outside yourself and it IS scary. But, there is solace in knowing it is a COLLECTIVE experience. I know I am working my behind off and month to month don’t know if we’ll make it, and I am SCARED ALL THE TIME. I think that is part of the shut down feeling I have been having inside, because whenever I ask myself the "why", the answer keeps saying stuff about what I am so scared and overwhelmed about...and it is always includes and involves this financial stuff. And knowing that is helping to calm me a bit to it all. Anyway, hope some of that may help.

Hugs to you….HANG IN THERE….LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 6/9/2009 10:43:48 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/11/2009 10:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Serafena,

 

I hope you are feeling better this week.  Is there the possibility that your husband can handle all the refinancing of the house and only share with you the important parts in English instead of financial language? 

 

Posted 6/12/2009 3:11 AM (GMT 0)
BPWife, LFW, Whyus, Thank you so much for the good wishes EVERYONE! They really mean a lot to me.

I should give an update of what my doc said this week and what's been going on. I saw my doc on Monday who said that because my mood shift came on so suddenly, she was less likely to call it a depressive cycle and more likely to call it a depressive episode. She didn't want to change any of my meds and she didn't want to hospitalize me. She said it was caused more by extreme stress in my life and less by meds or cycling. So she told me to eliminate stress in my life and actually went point by point through all the major stressors in my life and helped me to decide how to resolve them. The first thing she told me to do was to quit my job. So I'm unemployed again. Some of the things upsetting me (the deaths of my father and my cat -- obviously not the same level of grief, but both upsetting) we can't do much about. But she had the same suggestion about the refinancing that you did, Whyus. And so that's already going on. My husband is going forth with the refinancing without me. When he needs to refer to if with me, he calls it "Karl." (I have something to tell you about Karl.) And I am SO relieved.

There are other, smaller issues we're resolving too, and for a couple days (especially after quitting my job) I just felt lost and aimless. I slept one day for 5 hours and woke up feeling really down and frustrated. It's really inconvenient because my therapist is on vacation still. But I'm being very open with my family and my MIL is terrific. She's a counselor and is great to talk to.

So, thanks for the well wishes and the great ideas. I hope you all are doing okay too.

Much love,
serafena
Posted 6/12/2009 4:21 PM (GMT 0)

Hi serafena,

Thanks for your update.  I have been wondering what happened on Monday when you met with your doctor.

Sounds like she made a lot of sense.  I'm sorry for all that you're going through.  Stress has caused a lot of havoc in  my life as well right now so I totally understand where your therapist is coming from about giving you advise on how to allievate some of that in your life.

It's going to take some time for healing and adjusting to not having your job anymore.  It's wonderful that you have such a strong support network.  Lean on them as much as you need to.  They understand the importance of being there for you especially during the tough times or they wouldn't be called our support network, right?

Remember that we are all a part of that too for you.  Keep posting.  I always look for updates on you.

(((Big Hugs))) ~sukay~  blush

Posted 6/13/2009 1:12 AM (GMT 0)
Serefena...I am glad that you have the ability to quit the job for right now. Added stresses do not work well with bipolar, you know that better than anyone. You really need to spend sometime getting back to feeling good. That is what is most important. Use your new found extra time to do things for YOU!
Posted 6/14/2009 2:19 PM (GMT 0)
Serafena,

I too, send you many hugs.  I am sorry you are going through all of this, but I am glad that you have taken actions-I wouldn't expect any less from you.  I really am sorry to hear about your cat, I really feel that one for you as a cat-mom myself.  And I know it's been awful losing your dad.  You really have had a lot to deal with, work has been an ongoing issue for you as well, so I am glad that you are trying to eliminate the stress that you can somewhat control.

I know you will fight through this.  Take it one step at a time through each day and reach out to your support (you are already doing these things).  Anyway, I send my love and support for you.  Please keep us updated.

Posted 6/18/2009 3:30 PM (GMT 0)

Thinkin of You! 

Hope things are getting a little easier.

(((Hugs)))

Posted 6/21/2009 2:45 PM (GMT 0)
Serafena,

I hope that you are doing better and are finding things to occupy your time to relax. You are a great person and will pull through this I know you can. Keeping you in my thoughts.

SLZ
Posted 6/30/2009 4:03 AM (GMT 0)
Serefena,

(((HUGS)))
I hope things are getting a little easier for you. I'm so sorry about your father and cat. I know neither of the things can be easy...The only advice I have to give is this to will pass. My mother always says that to me and for some reason it makes me feel better. I know what it's like to feel aimless without a job, but sometimes it is more stress then some people need at a certain point in time. Besides, like you told me, you have to take care of yourself first before you can help anyone else. You are in my wishes and I really hope things start looking up for you soon.

Lindz
Posted 6/30/2009 7:35 AM (GMT 0)
 

Thinking of you Serafena!

 

 

(((Big Hugs)))

 

 

blush  

Posted 6/30/2009 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
Lindz and Sukay,

You are both dears! Thank you for thinking of me.

I am still struggling but doing a bit better. I had an appt with my doc yesterday and she changed one of my meds. Hopefully that will help. I'm also seeing my therapist weekly right now. That should help too. (I usually see her every other week.) My husband has been great. He's only clearly wanted to kill me once or twice. :-) And we just made reservations for a mini-vacation in Ann Arbor next weekend for our 10th Anniversary! So I'm looking forward to that too.

Thanks again for the advice and good wishes,
serafena
Posted 6/30/2009 11:09 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad things are looking up! And Happy Anniversary! Our anniversary is also in July...11 years!
Posted 7/1/2009 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
It doesn't seem possible, does it, Michele? I feel like I just met him last week. :-) Truly, it doesn't seem like the wedding was that long ago, and we were together 4 years before that. We've known each other for a long time! And yet so much has happened. It's a weird sensation. Happy Anniversary to you too!

serafena
Posted 7/1/2009 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
Serafena, you have been such a help and support to all here myself included. Sometimes I lurk because I can't even summon the energy to type or form words but knowing you and all these great people are here is a godsend.
Glad you are hanging in there. Have a great time in Ann Arbor(where is that?)
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