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Posted 6/15/2009 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
Ok this is kind of long but maybe someone out there can support me for I do not see my pdr for another week and my t is on vacation. I have been in a terrible mood for the last several days. I have snaped at my husband because he asks me the same question that I just answered. Example he found the water bill next to the computer and he said does this nee to go down to the city drop off box and my reply was yes it it due tomorrow. So he says its due tomorrow and I so badly wanted to say did I studder yes it is due tommorrow. Then he asked me at least 3 times if I wanted to go grocery shoping and my reply was no everytime he asked. I do not want to be mean to him but I want time to miself too. Then there is my brother he is 28 been to Iraq 3 times and I am trying to be understanding with him he got married last September and his wife served him divorce papers in April. So he is now staing with me my husband and my son. Would seem like no big deal but he is depressed and lost and I have asked him several times to go to the VA for help and he keeps saying I am going to go I just need to call. Not only that but he has other health problems and will not make an appointment for himself so guess who steps in and takes over me! He is driving me crazy he is always talking about all these things he is going to do for my family but never acts on them he has a really good job and makes great money. My husband is layed off and I am on disability right now so we could use the help. He is paying rent but don't say your going to do something if you have no intention of doing it. He got my 8 year old all excited because his uncle said he was going to buy him a pool nothing fancy just one of the pools with the ring that you blow up and fill with water. That was over a month ago and my son asks him when they can go get it and he just keeps saying not today. Then the ultament thing that makes me mad is that he disrespects my husband! The only thing my husband has asked him to do is pick up after him self not leave boxes of stuff that he had moved into our house laying around and to pick up his room. His room is a disaster and the boxes my husband and I end up moving. Two more venting things and I am done promise. Next is my sons dad he is on drugs and I have called cps on him but they will not do anything and neither will the foc I have to send him he is not putting our son in any danger according to them, and then his girlfriend is pregnant and is just being so mean to my son telling him "I hope my kid dosen't act like you". The list of stuff she has said can go on and on. Well yesterday my son calls me and asks if he can stay one more day at his dads I asked him if he realy wanted to and he gave me a kind of I have to stay type of sound. He said his dad is not working right now so he could stay and extra night. I asked him if he realy wanted to stay because I would go and get him if not. He said no I will stay. It breaks my heart to have to send him but I was told if I keep him from his dad again I will be charged. The las thing is the next time I go to my pdr he is most likly to send me back to work and my anxity is hitting the roof. I don't want to go back and my husband is like well your just giving up you need to stick with it he just dosent get how stressed I am right now and he is pushing me over the edge about my job. Can anyone clarify if this is cycleing or if this is just stress? Any response would be greatly appreciated Thank You

SLZ

Posted 6/15/2009 7:45 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Slz,

 

Sorry you're going through so much right now.  Well you know stress is a huge trigger for us and you certainly have a ton of that right now.  You definitely need to let your pdoc know what you're up against the next time you go to see him.  He is going to have to adjust your medications so that you can stay in a healthy place right now.  If you don't feel you're ready for work right now, you need to let your pdoc know this.  I'm sure he'll really understand.

 

Can you reconsider taking in your brother right now?  You need to take care of yourself and it sounds like he is adding a lot of stress to your, your husband's and son's life right now.

 

He also has his own mental state to take care of and you aren't the one who can help him.  You have to take care of yourself.  You're being proactive and he is not. 

 

It's not healthy for you to have him so close to you.  Do you understand what I mean?

 

You said he makes good money, so why can't he afford a place on his own right now?  I think that would relieve a lot of stress for you. 

 

As far as what you're going through with your husband, those ARE things that you & your husband should be trying to work out.  wink  

Good Luck!  I've been wondering how you have been doing since last chat.  blush

Posted 6/15/2009 8:03 PM (GMT 0)
Sukay,

Thank you for responding. I can not kick my brother out because he needs his family right now and he can afford his own place but I have made it to easy for him I pay his bills (with his money), do his laundry, has his food stock pilled for him. I wanted to add one more thing to my rant about him and that is he bought a motorcycle and my husband has been parking his car in the drive so my brother can park his bike in the garage with the understanding that he was going to by a shed to store it in one that he can move when he moves out well that was about 2 months ago and still has not happened. I know what you are saying about my own health but we have been close our whole life and I think he needs someone to be around. I feel like I can not confront him because we will end up fighting and it could explode and then he will be on his own. He talks to me about his problems and I am glad he is talking to someone even if it does cause me added stress. As far as my husband goes we had a talk to day and that may have settled some of the things that have been going on. I just hope that my pdr understands why I can not return to work yet or if I ever can I am starting to have problems believing that I will return, but anything is possible right? Thank You for being there for me.

SLZ
Posted 6/15/2009 11:33 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Slz,

I don't mean to be rude when I say this, and I say this from experience of my own self...it sounds like you are co-dependent.  There is a very good book out about it that has helped me understand this so much.  It is titled:

Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie.  I would suggest that you get yourself a copy.

Also have you considered asking your brother to get some therapy for himself?  It sounds like he can afford it.  At least he can have someone else to lean on in that department. 

I think this is all too much for you to handle by yourself.  I'm afraid to say, in my opinion, that if you keep allowing all of this without putting your foot down and drawing some lines that you are going to be making yourself very ill.

I wish you all the best.

Posted 6/16/2009 1:43 AM (GMT 0)
Sukay,

You hit the nail on the head I am a codependent! I have always been that way. Like I said he keeps saying that he is going to go to the va for help, but keeps putting it off. You are right and did not offend me in anyway. I am trying to stop doing things for him because he is a big boy now and needs to work things out for himself. Yes I do feel like he is hindering my wellbeing and have expressed it to my mom but she is no help because she keeps saying he needs you. Oh I am so confused but I am definitly going to read the book you suggested. Thank you so much for being here for me you are a great person to help me out.

SLZ
Posted 6/16/2009 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
SLZ,

I am so sorry to hear about all you're going through. Sometimes it just seems like a lot of stress factors come together at once, and it's just not fair. I wanted to second Sukay's recommendation about the Melody Beattie book. She is an amazing writer, and she's had quite a lot of life experiences. To me, that makes her books much more credible, because she's not just some person saying what we "should" do or trying to make a buck. When you read her books, you get the sense that she has been exactly where you are now and she truly understands.

Take care,
imacat2
Posted 6/16/2009 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
imacat2,

Thank you for your response. I have found the book at the library and will be getting it in a few days when it becomes avalible. I know that you are going through alot right now yourself and want to thank you again for your response.

SLZ
Posted 6/17/2009 3:38 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Slz,

I'm glad you're starting to see things a little more clearly.  I think it is wonderful that you found the book and will be getting it soon.  I'm sure it will help a lot.

Wishing you wellness. blush

Posted 6/17/2009 4:01 AM (GMT 0)
Sukay,
Thank you for all your support, and giving me some kind of direction. I have also requested the codependent no more book as well. I am sure your direction will help me in many ways in my life. Thanks again.

SLZ
Posted 6/17/2009 1:36 PM (GMT 0)
I have to agree with the other two writers. The best analogy I have, is when flying on an airplane, when they describe the oxygen masks dropping, if you are flying with a child, they tell you to use the oxygen for yourself first. I asked why, once. The stewardess said, "if you don't make it, your child won't make it" and therefore you have to be intact and functional before you can help somebody else. Melody Beatty also wrote "The Language of Letting go"' I must have bought fifty copies of this book and handed them out to friends and family over the years. I read it first thing every morning. I am seriously co-dependent, almost killed me. As for caretaking my 22 year old son, whom I have been caretaking since last February, he cleaned me out so July 1st, I am moving to a one bedroom apt.,

I suspect if your brother were on his own, he would quickly connect with services for himself. You are providing him with an excuse not to do what he has to do. As you obviously aren't well, perhaps your husband could sit down with your brother and calmly explain why he has to get a place of his own. Since you are emeshed with your brother, you can't set the boundaries with him that need setting. He is acting out, leaving things undone, and that is his problem, not yours. Acting out soon fizzles when the audiance disappears. Maybe you and hubby could take a couple of days and go camping or something and tell him, he has untill to get his stuff out. Good Luck.

Posted 6/20/2009 1:34 PM (GMT 0)

Hey you bug a boo...how do you do???

Just checking up on you?  Hoping things are a little better for ya.  Hope you have a good weekend.

blush
Posted 6/20/2009 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
sukay,

I have not been so great yet, but I did get the book from the library today and will begin to read it. There has been a few updates to give. I found out that my brother has an alchohol problem. He finaly admited that when he leaves the house he is going out to drink. A few days ago he came home after he woke the house up when his alarm repeatedly went off he came in about 10 min after his alam went off and then left for work. Then after that he has been avoiding us and going to the bar. Well I spoke to my mom and she stated that she is backing me 100%. I explainded how he has been drinking (and that is a problem in my family) and she stated that if he doesn't comply with treatment he is to move out and he will not be able to move in with my parents. She stated she will not put up with this behavior either and he has enough money to to get his own place. He will have to comply with our rules or get out! We are having a conversation with him today I am scared that he will get mad but so be it! I am not going to keep living like this and have to deal with his alchoholisim. He thinks that it will solve his problems and all he is doing is hindering his recovery I have been there. He is not going to treat me like dirt because he has a problem. Other than his shanagens most everything has been going ok. Sorry that I ramble on so but thank you for listining.

SLZ

Posted 6/20/2009 11:27 PM (GMT 0)
SLZ,

That is hard, but it sounds like you are making progress in your thinking and setting boundaries. Hugs to you and your family.

imacat2
Posted 6/21/2009 12:11 AM (GMT 0)
Dear SLZ727; By letting your brother "freeload, you are enabling his addiction. Fear of his anger is his denial defense mechanism, and sure he'll get mad, and claim he's dealing OK, but you and your family know better. This takes a cohesion of minds, and drawing clear boundaries in the sand, for him. If he lands in hospital or a recovery centre, b/c he doesn't have you all to fall back on, he will soon see the light and want to get better. It is not your responsibility to care take a substance abuser. He is a man and must learn self-reliance. By exercizing self-reliance, he'll gain self-esteem, it's the "adult" thing, he has to do. You know all this deep down. State your purpose, clearly and with confidence that you are doing what is best for all. Watch Intervention at (PM Eastern time, Mondays, you'll clearly see what has to happen. Yes, he will likely, slip, fall, relapse, and backslide, this is all part of the recovery process. Your job is to stand your ground. Good Luck. 10% of people make it in Round 1, 65% make it after several failed attempts, some don't make it. However, coddling will not get him into either successful group.
Posted 6/21/2009 1:56 AM (GMT 0)
Whoa. Alcoholism is a whole other kettle of fish. You need to get him on his own and taking responsibility for his life again pronto. Otherwise you're encouraging his addiction. Stay strong. You can do it. I been there, babe. You need to take care of yourself first.

serafena
Posted 6/21/2009 1:24 PM (GMT 0)
Thank You all for your responses,
My plan was foiled yesterday because he came home ran upstairs grabed some stuff and left. I did get a discussion going but he just laughed it off. Today my mom is talking to him while I keep my dad intertained (sp?) because my dad is a recovering ahlic and he does have regrets but seeing that my brother has no children he may stick up for him or verbaly abuse him about his behavior it could go either way my dad is Bipolar un dx but just the same you never know what he will do. After my parents leave I am going to hold him to stay and listen to me because this is my house! I am going through a manic episode now which for this situation is a good thing. I got him good yesterday he said "I closed the bar last night and was not that messed up." I came back with well what would the point of that be if you were not messed up I mean you have gotten messed up plenty of times this week why would you not on a friday night? He said Idont know. I said yeah your lies keep getting less and less beliveable. He looked at me funny and then his phone rang so that was the end of the convo and plus when I started in on him my support (husband) high tailed it out of the room when I asked him why he stated I did not want to get into the middle of that. He is to be my support and I asked him not to do it again. This next attempt is going to be with his phone off! I know I did not start the convo out right this last time because I did it in anger. I need to stay calm and not accuse him of things that may be truth, but at the same time when I was drinking heavly for 4 years I would lie about how much I had. I know the game i know how all the pieces fit in the puzzle but wil he? He needs to start with the truth! Well if anyone has any ideas of how to sit an acoholic down and talk to them about it without them getting up and leaving. Or with out me using anger PLease help me out.

Thank You,
SLZ
Posted 6/22/2009 12:16 PM (GMT 0)
Is there any way for you and your brother, your parents, any siblings, and your Husband to get Family Counseling. Even through the Church, a Priest or Minister. It all is so interwoven, it will take a professional to sort it out. You can't help your brother, you are too emeshed with him, plus you have a history, as does your Dad. Your Husband is right to step out of it all because the whole triangular situation could tip and he could end up being the "Bad Guy". Be Thank-full he has the sense to know where his boundaries are. With help, the rest of the family might get help with setting boundaries. You can't have a straight forward conversation with the brother, right now, as you said you are not emotionally stable. Why does he keep coming back to you? Because you allow him to. The VA surely has programming for him. Recovery Services. He needs to go there.
Posted 6/24/2009 6:33 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Slz,

Glad to see you're keeping us updated.  It seems you're getting a lot of support from your friends around here who care.

Obviously, just as suspected, your brother has issues of his own that he needs to work on by himself.

You also have your own health concerns to take care of and you don't need your brother's issues distracting you from it.

You're doing a good job with sticking to your guns.  I would just tell him point blank, "Time to leave and take care of yourself."  You owe it to yourself and your own family.

Best wishes.  blush

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