Thoughts of a 19 year old girl

I'm starting to feel that I'm just a messed up person and bi-polar is an excuse to be that way, that maybe we're all just selfish which is why we waste money, why we lash out at the people we care most about.
It seems like everyone these days has some kind of disorder, taking pills. I'm so tired of opening up each container of pills, counting them out and swallowing them.
I hate the thought of having to do that same routine for the rest of my life. What a lovely reminder it is, to start the day popping medication.

I sit in my therapists office annoyed when she shows sympathy towards my problems. I have a good life. There shouldn't be any reason for me to act this way.

I'm stuck between wanting people I love to understand my problem and remember it when I give in to the sickness, and at the same time wanting them to show me their anger and frustration. I'm not sure what response would work best, or if either would work at all.

Hi Veruca Salt,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. I can totally relate to what you are feeling. There's such a mix of irritation and guilt that goes along with having this disorder. One wants to just feel better -- to just say screw the pills and the appointments and just live life as it comes. But you know in your heart that means only more problems.

We feel like we have it better than other people with more severe problems, but that doesn't mean ours aren't real either. Yours are real and your therapist shows sympathy for a reason. It does kind of seem like the "selfish" disorder, doesn't it. But it's not really, because it comes packed with piles of guilt and then the depression wallops you.

No, it would be best if the people you loved most understood your disorder. That's the only way that relationships can work out with bipolar. Then they can show you their frustration if they need to, but STILL understand what you're going through and be compassionate. Who do you need to explain to? We might be able to give you some advice on explaining bipolar to them?

serafena

Veruca...I agree that it really just sucks to be living with this disorder. I am completely surprised that I have yet to develop ulcers from the cycle of intense happiness, the blahs, to the severely depressed. Not to mention the constant guilt of the wrongs I have done in the past.

Once you have gone to therapy enough...and with a good therapist, you begin to see things in a different light. You can start to see that you are not innately evil or selfish. You did not ask to be born with a screwed up brain chemistry. It just is. And that we have this one life to try and get the most out of. So if living your best life means that you have to take a few pills each day, then so be it!

You are no different than a person with other chronic illnesses. My grandfather did not like his daily insulin injections. My niece does not like the three shots a week she must get to be able to live with her allergies. And I first I thought I was a waste of a human body because I have to take 4 pills a day for the rest of my life just to be "normal". My healthy grandfather takes 7 medications a day, from blood thinners to vitamins just to be "normal".

So I think it just comes down to your perception. You need to start feeling better about yourself so you can start to see that you are NOT a waste of a human being, and that you are worth all the hard work required to start enjoying life.Whether your family understands or not...what is more important is that YOU begin to understand.