Husband struggling with resentment

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking in these message boards for sometime now, and I just came to the point where I need to get some perspective from others who may be going through a similar situation.

As with everyone's story, mine's long and detailed, but here are the basics: In May, my wife's first major mania began to appear. At the beginning of June, my wife left me to go live in NYC. Even before she moved, she'd started an affair with a colleague. After she moved, she carried on the affair--I know they had multiple trysts. She says that whenever anything happened between her and this guy, she was drunk and high. And she says her memory of the entire month of June is spotty. Today she says the person who had the affair wasn't her--it was a sort of alter-ego who cared about nothing, and thought she was invincible. By now, the affair is ended, although not because I had a problem with it. It seems to have ended because my wife's mania fizzled out. Now that the mania is over, my wife is pouring affection on me. She's trying to reverse everything that's occurred. After months of pushing me away, betraying me, now she wants to get close to me.

The affair is a big deal to me. I don't know how spouses can just "take it" and move on. I feel shattered, like I've lost the person I counted on most. And angry. I feel like my own fidelity has been invalidated--I mean, have I been faithful for these 7 years of marriage just to be betrayed? I know that the illness has a lot to do with her behavior, but what does that mean for me?

Since my wife is no longer living with me, I'm having to move out of my house and rent a room in Philadelphia. We'll be living in different cities, but easily within visiting distance. If I were some sort of god, I'd feel up to getting over my hurt and helping her get well, and perhaps re-building our marriage. Maybe, in that case, we could live together again--once I feel that the illness is under control. But I'm just a regular guy, and I feel heartbroken; I feel my loyalty has been dragged through the mire, and I don't want to give the gift of my loyalty to someone who would do these things to me. At the same time, I love my wife. We have shared a deep connection for many years. And she's been good to me in many respects, although I think in the last couple of years bipolar has sapped her joy and her ability to love me like she did earlier on.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom? At the very least, words of experience/empathy? Thanks.

Post Edited (Bloom) : 8/19/2009 2:14:07 PM (GMT-6)

When people are in mania they have wrekless behavior and can even bcome psychotic (taht's when it is really bad). But she cannot blame the adultry on her Bi-Polar. It was her decision. There are many people who are bipolar such as myself who would never do such a thing. Your wife need medication and therapy. You sound like a wonderful person who loves his wife but if the other person does not want to get help how can you continue like this because it will happen again. I would suggest counseling for you and her separately then both together later to see if you can heal your marriage. Hang in there and do whatever it takes to take care of yourself.

I have been through this and I am currently living with the person. We have children together and to be honest with you if you do get back together it is never the same. Also living with someone that is bipolar I have to tell you is the most difficult situation I personally have ever had to deal with. I have read so many books and realize there is no cure no real fix, some people can manage their moods better, set limits have a strategy and plan which only works if the person sticks to a medication regiment. I have been on the roller coaster for 15yrs now and I guess you realize you are more of a care taker then a companion. Had I realized this before we had children I may have chosen a different path. The most important thing you can do is make sure your wellness is a priority as BP individuals can be very manipulative and selfish.

I agree, if you choose to forgive make sure it is on your terms and find a great therapist. I recommend therapy for you anyway to help with the inner self so that you do not bury these hurtful feelings. The therapist may even show you ways to address your feelings and make sure that your feelings are validated by this person. I feel if they can not validate how you feel then you may need to reevaluate the situation.

Hi Bloom,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. I'm sorry you've experienced what so many other people have experienced with bipolar. Mania can be a terrible monster. But as your wife hasn't come back yet, have you had contact with her? Is she talking about reconciling?

Good luck,
serafena

Bloom,

Sounds like you are getting your feet on solid ground - remember its one day at a time and that all your problems do not have to be solved right this second. If you can live in the now which is a very hard thing to do because you will revisit the past where all the hurtful things happened and project what the future will be - try and live in the now and you will see the future will take care of itself -

One of my favorite quotes: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift - that’s why it is called the present!

I am a bit confused with the fact that she doesn't want to live together it sounds like she only cares about how she feels - A one sided relationship is not a relationship. Keep up the talk therapy so that you can put into perspective the situation you are currently in - sometimes we are to deep in the Forrest to see the trees and all we need is a guide to open our eyes.

boy I am full of cliches tonight sorry :) Best of luck and glad to hear that you have taken the first steps to mental wellness.

Sunday Mornin...

hi. i cannot imagine being in your position. in our marriage (27 yrs. !) , im the one with bi-polar. i know it wears on my husband. i must not have it as badly as your wife, but i did have a psychotic break that led to my diagnosis a few years ago. when that happened i was so out of it i hallucinated, thought things were happening that werent, etc. my biggest problem when im manic is spending too much and i cant work so my husband has to do it all. when i come down, and i do mean DOWN, i feel terrible. as for your wife's affair, ive read that being overly sexual can be a symptom of a manic episode.another symptom is reckless behavior. these 2 together could explain your wife's behavior. im not trying to make excuses, just possible explanations. i dont know how much control your wife had over her behavior, but some of the others who posted probably know more about that than i do. im so sorry for what you are going through (and your wife). i hop you both get the help you need.