Trusting enough to tell

Another post on here, made me think some, and I realized that I have a horrid habit of hiding parts of myself from everyone. Being so afraid that I would say the wrong thing to the wrong person, and they would run away screaming in fear of the crazy woman.


Events over the last few days for me though, well, I spilled more to a friend and to my husband then I ever wanted to. And I learned something amazing.

My friend, she has her own psychiatric issues, and she actually understood some of what I was going through. Most importantly, she was there when I called and said help, please come get me. She stepped up and helped out. She's been calling once a day checking in, and she says that she better understands me now, that she knows I'm not distant because I don't like her, but because I have so much trouble trusting when it comes to who I am deep inside.

My husband on the other hand, (I'm crying now) is more wonderful then the day we met. He left work and came running home even though I didn't ask him. He realized in a 5 minute phone conversation that I was really messed up right then, and that he needed to be here for me. He listened as I ranted on the way to the hospital, and he let me cry and be afraid. He also held my hand as we walked in even though I wanted to run back to the car. ( I hate hospitals, especially for mental issues). He swore he wouldn't let them lock me up, or put me in a crisis unit, and when the ER said they wanted to put me in a crisis room, he stood in front of me and wouldn't let them. It felt so good it hurt, opening up and trusting someone, two people actually, and they stayed right there with me.

We have all kinds of people in our lives. Friends, associates, people we love and people we tolerate. But for people like us, who need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on some days, I'm realizing how important it is to know who is who in our phone books.

Crisis shows us who our deepest friends are.

well, I went into the hospital with elevated BP and pulse, I was visible shaking, speaking a mile a minute, couldn;t stay in track for more then a moment, and basically moving 20 miles a second.

As soon as they heard that I was have a reaction to psychiatric meds, they put me in a 'crisis room, took my clothing, shoes, jewelry (including a religious necklace) and wanded me for weapons or such. Then they tried to move me into a crisis intervention room, but I flipped out at that. Being stripped to a gown and hospital booties was bad enough, but they wanted to move me to basically a padded room, taking away my husband, who was the only thing keeping me grounded. I started to freak out, I've had bad expierinces with psych wards, and my hubby pretty much stepped between me and the nurses, and statted we were going home if that is what they were going to insist on.

Between my being coherent, and not losing control, the medical doc on call convincing the staff that I didn't need crisis intervention, and my husband insisting we would leave before he let them take me back there, they decided to let me stay where I was for the time being.

The ER doc offered me bendryl or some other med, Cogentin (which I had never heard of), and had me moved to a different room where supposedly I could be watched, but was kept with my husband. It took them about 1.5 hours to show up with the benedryl which did nothing to calm me down, I spent the whole time pacing, crying, talking a mile a minute, going between calm enough to handle things and certain they were about to run in with the haldol and restraints.

Eventually the ER doc came back, admitted I had been 'lost' in the system, apologized, asked if I wanted to go home then or wait another hour to talk to a crisis nurse. We opted to go home.

Basically, I wasn;t in need of the crisis unit, which meant they couldn;t, or wouldn;t give me anything to help calm me down other then the useless benedryl. They couldn;t even give me a script for enough of anything to make it through the weekend till I could see a regular doc.

it's Monday now, and I'm still manic, just not as manic..... shifting through old boxes upstairs I've managed to find some old bottles for sedatives from a while back that have let me calm enough to not need supervision, but I still don;t feel comfortable driving or being alone all day while hubby's at work.

That was the problem, my new doc who had prescribed the meds was unavailable. His phone was having problems so I couldn't get through, and SUnday, when he called me back finally, he admitted that his phone had been out of service, and he had been out of town, and he had no backup doctor.

If I had been able to get in touch, then things would have turned out alot differently, perhaps I wouldn;t have had to self medicate through the weekend.

I hope you are feeling better also.  Please remember to be thankful everyday for your spouse.  Sounds like he is in your corner all the way.

Gem

I understand completely and that is wonderful.  You are very fortunate to have each other.

Gem