Still breathing

I'm just here.... Not even going thru the motions except when absolutely necessary. I've simply lied in bed for the last 3 days while my husband is at work and I drop the kids at school. My husband is freaked a bit. He was mad at me Monday because I clipped a mailbox with my passenger mirror and broke it taking the kids to school and didn't think to tell him. It's just there..it's just a car....I didn't break the mailbox . He asked about school last night, I told him I already took care of it...then he proceded to ask me if my instructors would drop me. After I told him no...he went on about how at another school I won't mention they can drop you for missing too many classes. I told him to stop talking about it...I handeled it already. (end conversation) Like everything else I do I take care of myself. I recognize when it's happening b4 it gets bad and try my best to put everything in order. Having to go crazy but yet be sane for everyone else is tireing.
Someone please talk to me....I'm listening

I walked in the garden yesterday for about 10 min with my husband, when I started to cry I told him I was ready to go back in the house. I'm taking lamictal but am only up to 50mg for another week b4 I get to 100mg, Prozac, ambien cr, Xanax (too low a dose if u ask me)
I made the step to see both my pdoc and my therapist tomorrow, though I don't feel like going anywhere. I eat maybe once ...2x a day if I feel up to it, but generally could care less. I suppose laying here is better than the alternative. It still sucks...

I did post in the depression forum....The idea of thinking of a perfect day appealed to me, and if I remember right, I think I told someone they were not alone, because that is what I would want to hear when I come here for guidence or understanding. I'm a natural when it comes to taking care of others. I have a gift for being able to talk to anyone.
As for everything else I can't explain. I hurt...... so badly that sometimes I can barely function. I know I have triggers, things that set me off easier than others. Talking about some of the things I've posted here are some of them. I generally try to avoid them, block them out because if I go there It feels like my world is crumbling. I can't forgive myself....I feel weak, selfish, alone, broken. There are people I care about that I hurt without them knowing I do. Then there are those that I care about that I simply feel abandoned by. The biggest difference right now from the past is that I've let it go on so long. generally I would have found some way to make the pain reach it's peak faster so that I could focus my attention elsewhere. (Some of you may know what I mean) Maybe I'm maturing, maybe hardly eating in the last week or so is doing the same thing. I don't drink a lot of soft drinks, tea or water mostly. As far as alcohol...only when we're out with friends on occasion. I have seen too many alcoholics in my family to go down that road. The Medication front is probably my biggest issue, it's really difficult not to over do it. I think about it constantly. Going to sleep for a really long time is very appealing, but I have others to think about. On the outside mostly I put on a great front. I have a hard time saying no to anything. I'm generally, athletic, artistic, outgoing, sexually charged, poetic, creative, open, a good listener. I'm the one that wears their heart on their sleeve and would give a stranger the shirt off their back....right now though I don't feel any of those things. I cycle through this every few months....sometimes feels worse or maybe just different. I keep waiting for the meds to kick in because I feel like thats what I'm supposed to do. THe last time I told my Pdoc that several of the meds I've been given in the past didn't work or the side effects were to great...he said my next alternative was hospitalization...Like it was nothing. Even though I think I've done a darn good job at not acting on the impulses that plaque me constantly. I don't know anymore. I must admit though...I've been contemplating the hospital since last spring I think. I'm losing my darn mind. Why won't it stop?

As stupid as it sounds...I just suffer. Sometimes I cry a lot, wake in the middle of the night and lay in the bathtub feeling the cold against my skin falling apart as quiet as possible....all the while temptation pulling at me. Fighting myself not to give in. When I'm feeling passionate I sculpt, write, flirt more intensely or have sex (please don't think ill of me) Sometimes it lasts a few days, sometimes weeks. Just depends how long it takes to peak. My worst episode as an adult in my opinion was when I became so stressed with school and home, I couldn't sleep no matter what I did. No matter what I took. My head pounded so badly that I took a shower by nightlight at 3AM and just cried and cried from the pain. I ended up going to the emergency room and they gave me some IV with several medications until the pounding subsided. they prescribed the same pain meds for me to take at home for a short time. I think that was last spring...I don't remember for certain.

my husband would never allow me to go like that. Not without the guilt trip of the world on my shoulders.

Also if your getting this bad there is electro shock theraphy. It got a bad rep years ago but it's not the same as it was do some research on it but considere it because it has helped many with bipolar with no side effects before going into long term treatment away from your family I would look into it. I know being bipolar is hard I suffer from it as well as both my boys so it's a constant cycle one of us gets better then the next goes down. What is normal we have never experienced it at all we just get thru the next day the best we can and we are there for eachother with lots of love and reassurance. I know your feeling lost but just try to imagine there are people that have it so much worse and remember your not alone. Keep your head up and remain healthy without any attempts to hurt yourself. Remember back to a time you were on top of the world it will come again. This is just a cycle, a bad one but a cycle.

First....I have considered shock therapy. I've been reading up on it, wondering if nothing else worked if maybe that would be enough to send my body to it's peak stress out. IDK yet. I'm not afraid of it...but maybe I should be. As far as the issues with my SO, I don't know for sure about that either. I can't imagine anyone else possibly loving me more, (we've been together since I was 16) believe it or not though, as sad as it is... I've had more than my share of outside experiences. I am able to recognize that he has some control issues (given my history I almost understand the jealousy) and that some of my biggest triggers are associated with him. If I can block them out though we're okay. I know I know I shouldn't have to block things out, I have to face them. But one thing at a time. Once I get my head on straight I'm hoping I'll be able to sort that out. I've told myself that if he ever gave me a reason I would leave but the time I busted him cheating(8yrs ago), I just figured he kinda owed me. I was never an angel...even if he didn't know how much of a devil I was. I just can't be the one to blame....I'm a wimp, I know. Give me some time, I'm still trying to figure all this crap out. I Love Him...Thats all that I know for sure.