Can we just say life sucks

Most of you have read most of what sums up at least half my life.....I'm still spiraling down. I made small progress yesterday. I went to the doc's and actually hung out along with my husband and kids at our best friends house for a few hours. It wasn't easy I cried on the way there, but thats because something set me off. I pulled it together for awhile at least. I'll tell you....It's hard as hell trying to keep explaining to my kids why I'm staying in bed, or why I'm crying. THey're 6 and 9. SO tells them I'm not feeling well mostly and when they catch me crying I say my head hurts. Today I met my husband for lunch....went good for and hour. Then I was going to brave shopping (almost laughable It's what I usually what I do when I can't think of anything else) but I only made it half way. before my mom text me from out of state and asked a simple question. when I sent her a quick reply, all she did was ask what was wrong....I didn't seem ok. That was all it took to send me into overload. I started crying and crying, barely made it down the road a bit further fighting the temptation to run my car into something..... I've learned the last week. DON'T DRIVE WHEN IT HITS..... Of all places I pulled into a cemetery, parked turned up my radio rolled my window, got out leaned against the car and cried and cried until someone finally drove up behind my car then I got back in and left. By then I was able to at least get myself home....took some xanax to knock me down a notch and called my insurance company to find out what hospitals were nearby that were covered by them and what kinda coverage I had. I figured when I couldn't think about anything but crying and felt so desperate all I could think about was relieving the pain, cut myself, running into walls...etc etc. I DIDN'T DO IT APPARENTLY!!!!! I also came close to pulling into the police station and just asking them to put me in a padded room for awhile. But I made it home. Called my husband....didn't tell him everything just that I was set off and my depression went for another dive. Good thing I'm a good swimmer LOL..( I know it's not funny) But I crawled back in bed which is where I've spent most of the last 6 days. If this gets any worse, I"m checking myself in. I can only fight so hard. You know I took theology for 4 years in HS..... And god isn't supposed to give you more than you can handle, but WHAT THE F#*@ is he thinking? Granted I would take this a hundred fold to keep any of it from happening to one of my kids. But this is really starting to piss me off.