Another day

I'm here.... That's the best I've got right now. I made it out of the house without crying....(It's a step) My kids spent the night with my aunt and I watched movies all night in bed till about 1AM. had my SO drop me at the store when he went to pick up the kids....I just can't bare to face the rest of my family right now. My mom is concerned, but is respecting what I asked of her yesterday when she text me that I can't bare to talk yet. I can't handle the thought of putting on a false front for anyone. It feels like that's all I ever do. I made it out for a good hour or so then came back home and went right to bed....... stayed there for a few hours. Small progress considering I was ready to commit myself yesterday. It's such a weird feeling....I keep thinking I'm supposed to be able to control this and it seems the more I let down my defenses and try to accept I'm not entirely to blame, the further I fall.