Confused w/ a bit of rants and raves

Hey guys,

I'm still adapting to all my meds, trying to figure out what works for me and what doesn't. My doctors don't tell me anything about bp just that I need to be on certain meds to balance me out. But I'm the type of person who wants to know everything I can so I can fix what ever it is. I feel so powerless. I've continued to keep my life as stressless as possible since my last major episode but I don't know how long I can keep that up. I've had a few moments in the last couple of weeks that seem to push my sanity and then it takes days to recover from it. Constantly wanting to withdraw, cry, or angry enough to start swinging if it weren't for my self control and it's not even major things that set me off, at least I don't think they are.

I started fuming at my husband last night, I had gone to a 7:25 movie with my best friend (female... she and her husband are our best friends)...here in town maybe 10 min from my house (movie was 2hrs 10min) then we sat outside the theatre talking about our kids, my trip I'm about to take...crap like that. I had my purse in the car, cell phone in it. My husband called her cell. Asked where we were, she told him we were just talking and would b leaving in a few min. But that we were fine. When I got to my car and checked my phone my husband had called 3x...and text 1x which is really conserative for him, he wasn't even ugly about it, which is also different for him.. But he text while I was driving home and said he was going to bed, so I called him to say I was on my way and almost home... Now close to 11pm. The first words out were HOW was your 7:00 movie, then what did you talk about for 2 hrs...I got so mad I couldn't think straight. He tried telling me that he wasn't mad at all, that It was just a misunderstanding...but that's the kinda crap he tells me regularly...little inuendos that add up.
Instead of saying how was the movie? Or did you have fun? I told him every part of his question was gestureing on TIME...the length of the movie then what was it I talked about for 2hrs. Like it was any of his darn business. I feel like a kid being interagated by their parents.
I'm 34 and we've been together since I was 16. Is this really necessary? He often makes me feel like a kid, when I'm the one who takes care of everyone else.

Ok I realize I'm just complaining and although it pissed me off it's not what confuses me.
What confuses me or more accurately scares me to death (no pun intended considering my frequent thoughts toned down alot tks to my meds) is how long I can keep the stress at bay...if I try and return to school, I don't know what it will do to me. Every semester has been a struggle one harder than the next. I'm so afraid of my lows, how far down they'll take me. I've fought so hard against them for so long...I'm tired of fighting... Of always being the strong one. I'm still adjusting and I have no idea how long it will take before I feel like I can face the world again.

I don't know if I over reacted. I didn't feel guilty because I knew I was just chatting, laughing, crying to a girlfriend. Our conversation started out laughs, the movie was great, then turned to worries about our girls growing up, life in general, husbands too. At first I was suprised by him not acting a fool. Normally he blows up my phone if he doesn't reach me right away even when he knows where I am (while at school or with family) But he has always had a knack for saying I could do something then giving me guilt trips about it so that I can never just relax without feeling like I'm doing something wrong taking time to myself. My family and friends have often commented about it over the years.
I've gotten to where I do everything I have to do (school included) b4 he and the kids get home because I feel like I can't take any time away from them without feeling guilty or him
hounding me. It's ingrained....
He back-tracked quickly...but those key words set me off immediately and once that happened I couldn't come down. I just took my meds and tried to come down a knotch.