Im not well... something is very wrong

I have felt this way beofre but never this bad. I am up one minute and down the next , I have lost my temper several times with my kids today .. my little boy was frustrated with his sister and yelled at her ,  grapped him by the arm and told him to get out of my house if he couldnt act any better... five minutes later I was online an he an I were looking at a new cell phone for him .  Then my daughter kept entering the wrong password on her facebook , and I jumped off the couch and ran over to the computer room and screamed at her that she was entering the wrong password, and I just started screaming I CANT TAKE THIS TODAY!! I keep looking at the clock , I have to go to work in a few hours and I do NOT feel like it , I ahve to talk to my boss about changing my schedule and it is NOT going to go over well , and Im afraid I may snap on him.  I jsut went to the grocery store ( I had to force myself to do this) and almost knocked a woman down bc she just was walking to slow, I kept thinking to myself , WHY do I have to live in a world with stupid people, SLOW people. The right light took way to long to change and I felt like getting out of my car and throwing something at it until it broke, so I slammed on the gas when it changed and peeled out on two wheels.  the sink is full of dishes and the sitter will be here in an hour , I still have to cook supper....

Its like my body is trying to feel bad but im so hyped up inside that it cant ( if that makes any sense) and it is very agitating!!  I ahve felt like screaming all day ... Im so annoyed at everything , and I want to tell someone off... just someone ... anyone... they I immediatley feel terrible about my thoughts.  Its not really energy thats overflowing , like it usually is ... Its just plain and simple aggravation.. agitation , and anger,  and it is up to my ears .

I have yet to see a pdoc ... only went for the intake and my appt with the pdoc is 9/22... I guess Icould call the intake worker I saw...

I ahve no family here ... only BF... But im going to go ahead and go into work ... If I have to leave , I will be anle to.The sitter will be here for the kids in a few minutes ... so they are ok for now , I will see how I am later. Im supposed to work double the nest two days , so at least I wont be yelling at the kids.

I got so mad that I had to load the dishwasher that I was just grabbing dishes as fast a ss i could and putting them in and I grabbed all the silverware at once and there as a large knife in tehre almost cut my hand , and I thought well if Im stupid enough to grab the knife then I deserve to get cut. I am calmer now ( again) thoughts are still racing , but anger and aggravation is less .. for the next ten minutes anyway.


I keep getting spam from this one company and I have asked them nicely to stop emailing me numerous times ... they did it again and I called them and told them to go straight to hell .. that one was kinda funny ...

My Mother used to do that. I thought it was my fault. I don't mean to be hurtful I just want to add a little perspective. I hide in my room when I am like that because I'm afraid of hurting someone.
I hope that you were able to get someone to help. I'm not judging you I feel the same all the time. I used to scream at my husband and throw things and just yell at random strangers.

Thanks everyone.....

I was actually ok after  Igot to work ... everything was fine then.  My kids have always been a stressor for me . I hate to admit it , but it is true. They are good kids, but they dont listen very well and we are working on that , but still , when im in that mood , jsut their prescence is enough to cause me agitation at times.

I did have enough courage that day to tell my boss  that he has to fix my schedule or im leaving , and he did... so now instead of working nights , and all the trouble that caused with bf and kids and everything else, Im working days ... no need for a sitter bc I will be home before the kids get home from school , and I aill have the afternoon/night to spend with my family. plus i will be making double what I was making at night.

So there is one good thing :)

school starts tomorrow and that is stressing me a bit as well .... two weeks ago I was hyped up and decided to re decorate my kids rooom ( BF says I must have been smoking something every time he walks in that room now ) it is bright, walls are covered with decals ... its very cute , but VERY over done.  And I got together all of my girls clothes and gave them to a lady on craigslist that had put up an add saying her kids were in need .... So I gave her all my kids clothes ( well , most of them)   WIth the intention of buying a new wardrobe for school

How in the world I thought I could buy three kids new wardrobes in two weeks , plus all my other bills , is beyond me..... But that was my plan at the time....

I guess thats the only stupid thing ive done around here latley ... so maybe I should be thankful... although I do have people calling and emailing all day and night bc (during that same week I mentioned above) I inquired about opening a dairy queen franchise... which is actually something BF and I have discuessed in the past ... but this was a monday and I wanted it done by weeks end :)

it is strange ... before I started my job , I would be hypo for a day or two, then crash in to depression, and feel like I had the flu for at least two days. this happened every week without fail

Now that I ahve been working , Im MORE hypo, more often, and have only had ONE despressive episode that lasted two days....

its very strange.....

im home today .. first day of school for the kids :)

I am slightly depressed .... not sad at all , but last night I felt feverish, and thats how my depression starts... not mch energy, and feeling sick...  Also bf and I got into another argument (STUPID argument ) yesterday.

I had planned to buy the girls school bags that i found on craigslist, this lasy had them for only 5 dollars, and they were brand new.. but it was an hour drive... So bf says " go meet her at 7 pm and i will take the kids with me to the scout meeting, and then you will not have to leave them home alone , and it will ave you money on buying book bags...

So that was the plan for last night... and when I got home from work< it was 5 pm and I was tired... SO I went onlne to the gap and found they had a sale on bookbags for 6 dollars .... so I decided to go to the mall and get those, ( five minutes from my home)  when bf called (just before I was leaving to go to the mall) This was the conversation:

HI I TEXT YOU THIS MORNING AND NO ANSWER ALL DAY! 

I have a very busy job , sorry I didnt get a bathroom break , much less time to look at my blackberry so I left it in the car.

OK WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING TO GET THE BAGS?

im actually not going to make that drive, I can get the same bags for almost as cheap, and ....... ) this is where he interrupts me  and I couldnt get another word in :

WHAT MAKES YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU ARE LIKE SOME DICTATOR, YOU JSUT CHANGE YOUR MIND ON A WHIM, i HAD PLANS NOW AND MY PLANS WERE PLANNED AROUND YOU GOING, I WAS GOING TO TAKE THE KIDS WITH ME TO SCOUTS AND (BLAH BLAHB LAH )

im trying to get a word in at this point , and I keep telling him how silly he is acting

he goes on:  ILL TELL YOU WHAT , IF YOU ARE JUST GOING TO DECIDE THINGS ON YOUR OWN THEN YOU DO YOUR THING , AND ILL DO MINE. ILL TAKE CARE OF MY KID, AND YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURS.

he went on and on about how *I* changed his plans bc of my decision....  but the only thing that changed is that he didnt have to take the kids with him to scouts.

so i hung up on him and we havent spoken since