Why?

Why did Mom have to be diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer?
Why does my bf not understand what this has done to me (bp-wise)?
Why did I come so close to leaving my relationship and couldn't do it?
Why do I continue living in a situation that is not only stressful, but I'm living a life where I'm not allowed to be bipolar...?
Why am I so terrified?
Why?????????????

I am going CRAZY! I am so depressed and irritable today, but I'm hiding it because if I don't, there will be a huge fight and I promised that if that happened again, I would leave. While I have gotten a lot closer in actually realizing I am going to be leaving this relationship at some point and feeling I might be able to go through with it....It's just so much to handle right now. Mom started her second round of chemo this past week and she is so sick......I hate it. I feel helpless. She has lost her hair and my heart is just breaking over all of this ... How can I put myself through the second biggest nightmare for my life? (leaving a 5 year relationship) Although it can be argued that I am living a nightmare. I keep thinking about being on my own. While most of it is scary, there would be pluses. No abuse for one. Two, I think about how much less laundry I would have to do; how much less housework I would have to do. My anxiety and panic attacks would decrease. It of course stresses me out financially, but I know that I would work it out somehow.

I think I need to do some heavy relaxation tonight. I'm so tired guys. I mean exhausted. I dont' know at all how I'm holding my head up through all of this at all. I just wish I had overwhelming comfort through all of this. It would be so much easier.

Anyway, I feel guilty for being so absent from the board and not posting to your troubles and to go on about mine....I am thinking of you all...Hopefully I get caught up at work this week and have some downtime during the work day to read and post.

Thanks for reading.

Mogs

 

     mogli,

     First of all I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Five years ago I was diagnosed with stage 3C

     Ovarian cancer. It was the most frightening thing I ever had to face. I was so wrapped up

      in my illness and treatment I didn't have time to think how it affected my family.

 

     I'm guessing it's very stressful for the people close to the patient but I think other than trying

     to make them comfortable and meeting their needs there is little more you can do.

     I know it would be hard but if you could stay as calm as you can around you mother even

     with your disorder it might help. You could always fall apart when you're alone.

     If you can afford seeing a therapist that deals with illness in families it might be a good idea.

 

     It's interesting that you are thinking of leaving your relationship, in times of a stressful situation

     not getting support can be damaging. I met many women in chemo who left their husbands

     because of lack of support.

     A year ago I left my husband of 32 years of marriage because he didn't make me feel good

     about myself anymore. My illness changed me and I wanted more out of life.

     I thought being on my own would be difficult but I find it very pleasant, no one expects

     much from me and I can make plans to suit my moods.

 

     I have heard that caregivers of sick people can sometimes suffer as much as the patient.

     So take care of yourself or you won't be much help to your mom.

     Eat well, sleep well, if you can, and think good thoughts.

Awww.... I feel so awful for you. I think you have a legitimate reason to go to a women's shelter. Although you'd have to find a temporary home for your kitten.

Without relationship stress, would you be OK at work?