Falling Apart

All I can do is cry and read tawdry romance novels in bed.
I have read 8 of them this week. I try and keep my house clean
and keep things in order but with a husband, teenager and all the
teenager's friends I have to work on it every day. I feel like everything
is out of order.

I am worried my son won't graduate high school bc
he used to live with his meth addicted Father and has no clue how to
study or be in the real world.

I can't seem to get a job...I've been waiting
a week for this manager at an art store to call back...I have called her twice
and still no returned call. I worry about my husband and teen's pot smoking.
I don't have any friends.

I am super depressed but I have so many wonderful
things going on in my life. It's like I keep feeling something terrible is about
to happen. Like someone I love is going to die tragically. I keep seeing my past
like a movie I'm watching. Am I going to die? I have called my pdoc twice last
week to tell him what is going on and he hasn't called back so I upped my Lamictal
from 100 to 150 mgs.

I have no direction, I feel trapped, I feel guilty for not
working, I feel like I don't try hard enough, I feel like a loser. Now I'm crying again.
My spiritual connection is still there and I've been praying but I am still depressed.
I am sober from alcohol 1 year and 9 months and I quit smoking cigs 2 months ago.
I have a wonderful hubby and son and I should be happy...what's wrong with me???

Is it bad of me to say I do not think anything is wrong with you, per say?
I feel, have felt, and probably will feel the same way again and again... and survive it all over again and again. It is tumultuous. It is insane. It is the bipolar stuff. I have empathy and I recognize what you are saying as what I have thought and have felt that way too, do feel it now, yesterday, try to shake it off, sometimes I don't want to, sometimes I take pity on myself, sometimes I get very angry about it, sometimes I count my blessings, I suffer, I get out of bed, I go through the motions, my peaks and valleys, try to get a grasp and a direction, some moments are better than others...
I try to be zen about it all. I try.

Red - have you ever tried letting yourself feel it? Like set a timer for 15 minutes, go curl up in bed, cry your eyes out and give yourself permission to mope, cry scream and just feel it. Let it out.

When the timer rings, get up and go do something, no matter how insignificant. Wash your face with cold water, brush your teeth.

See if it helps?

Oh red,.....do you think you've overwhelmed yourself enough dear?

 

Take a deep breath and take all of this one minute at a time. Take tortoise's advice on the mindfulness techniques. Washing my face after being upset is at the top of my list of crisis coping. Seriously. I call my local crisis line often, and I remember years ago calling during sobbing and having a panic attack. The poor guy couldn't get a word out of me and couldn't get me breathing ... so he said some soothing things, that he would get me through it...but he asked me to go wash my face and drink some cold water and boy, I couldn't believe how it calmed me down. He asked me to call back when I was done and I did, and then we sorted things out.

 

Do you have a local support group you can go to? I think I'm going to look into that for myself since I've got super stress that won't go away. Really try to do some relaxation techniques for yourself through this. You need to focus on slowing your mind down and taking things slow. Taking it all on and getting this overwhelmed is not good for you.

 

(now I am going to go take this advice I've just given you for myself!!) I'm with ya red! It's hard, but we are strong...

 

Mogs