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Posted 9/13/2010 6:27 AM (GMT 0)
My husband got drunk and hit me a few times...he even went as far as throwing me backwards into the dining table and pushing me on the floor and pounding my head against the cement. That has NEVER happened before! I don't know what to do as now my panic attacks are getting worse and worse...He will usually hold me down when I'm manic because I'm usually the one getting violent by throwing things and trying to hit him if he tries to grab me, but he has never started it. I don't know what happened. He said he's just too stressed out and doesn't know how to handle it. He was crying afterwards and said it would never happen again. I left for the night, but came back the next morning. I don't know what I did. Usually I KNOW I did something really wrong and should probably get slapped around a few times, but this time it came out of no where. He's been fighting with my daughter a lot over stupid things and that's been pissing me off. We had a big fight last night and I told him that if his attitude didn't change, I was taking the kids and leaving. I can deal with him hurting me, but not my kids. He has never physically hurt either of our children...he knows I'd go ape crap if he did! This just isn't like him. He refuses to go to counseling and said that nothing like this will ever happen again. He even accused me of trying to kill our son while he was on deployment. My son got a hold of a pill that had fallen on the floor at my parents house and he started having seizures because of it...I've been in abusive relationships before and I told him I will not deal with it again. I have been working VERY hard to not hit or throw anything or be abusive in any way and it's like the better I get at controlling myself, the worse he gets at controlling himself. What do I do? He refuses to go to counseling, he refuses to talk to anyone about it, he doesn't think he has a problem, just that he's too stressed out by everything. I really don't have a clue what to do here. This has sent me into a pretty bad depression, although I'm still cleaning a lot and having some pretty serious panic attacks. I even passed out the other day because I couldn't get it under control.
Posted 9/13/2010 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
Lindz - you have to get out of there. Temporarily or permanently is your choice. But either way - IMMEDIATELY. Find a battered women's shelter. NOW!

When you are in a relationship, you don't realize how WRONG it is until you are out of the situation for a few months or even a year.

There is NO EXCUSE for this behavior. Your disease is not a free-card for him to abuse you in any way!

You are not a punching bag!

You have SO MUCH to deal with already, this should NOT be one of those things!

Get together your driver's license, social security card, and kid's birth certificates and store there somewhere safe where 1) he won't know and 2) you can grab and go. I had that stuff in the glove box of my car and $100 cash stashed at my parent's house.

File a police report - TODAY! - and apply for a protective order / restraint order.

You have so much potential and so much to give in a relationship. Don't let one person hurt you and lie to you like that!

(((hugs)))
Posted 9/13/2010 2:24 PM (GMT 0)
I know I should do something, but like I said this has NEVER happened before and he was so sorry. He cried for hrs and he doesn't cry! I know he's also under a lot of stress and I know the alcohol played a big part. He poured out the rest of the alcohol in the house to prove that he's going to stop drinking and has been helping me out so much with everything. My x did kind of the same things after he hit me, but this is not my husband's usual behavior at all, it was with my x. That's why I'm so confused at why this happened. I have to admit that after he accused me of trying to kill our son I did hit him and I did pull a knife on him, but only to try to get him away from me. I never swung it, but I threatened him and said if he came near me again, I would use it. So, he's not the only one to blame.
Yes, Genetic, it does take two to tango and yes I have some severe anger issues, especially when I'm manic. I have been doing anger therapy along with regular therapy to try and control it as much as possible. I grew up in an extremely emotionally abusive household and have been in one abusive relationship prior to meeting my husband. He grew up in a good household. No emotional abuse. Him and his dad did fight, but it was during his rebellious teen years, which i'm pretty sure is normal for a father and son. Like I said, the only other time that he hit me was once when I was COMPLETELY out of control and was saying some pretty harsh things to him and starting kicking and hitting him. Other than that, he would only hold me down, so that I wouldn't hurt him.
This time though, I didn't do anything. Yes, I felt a bit manic and was cleaning and asked him to watch our son while I cleaned the floors and went over to a neighbors to talk for a few minutes, but that's all. We were having a tiff, not even a real fight, over him and my daughter fighting lately, and I simply asked him to try to chose his battles a little more, instead of nit picking over everything little thing with her. He said that I was too easy on her and this and that and that I'm too busy trying to make things up to her, for all the crap I've put her through with my disease, that I'm letting her run wild. She's a great kid, in honors classes, polite, does what I ask her too. Sometimes I have to ask her a few times, but she's 8 for goodness sakes! She has a problem with winning a bit and that was driving him crazy, then she was stomping down the stairs, then she was asking for food too much, etc. He just kept going on about this and that and I was finally like enough. I told him to go exercise or something, to go chill out, because I couldn't handle them going on like that every day and he lost it. Finally I took the kids to the park and I guess he started drinking. When we got back, I let my daughter go play with her friends down the street and put our son to bed and he just started going at me. I was trying to listen to him and sympathize and talk, until he started going off about her, then I finally raised my voice and said that if his attitude didn't chajge that there were going to be problems between us. I may be too easy and I will work on that, but he is WAY too hard on her and he will work on that or he can get out. That's when things got bad. I know I pushed him too far and I should have just ignored him and let him be miserably drunk by himself...I just don't know. My kids come first and I'm going to stand up for them against anyone who is hurting them, I don't care if it's just emotionally, I know for a fact that can leave a lasting impression that can take years to fix. I love him and I know this isn't like him. I just don't known what to do to help him at this point since he's refusing therapy. He hasn't left me through all my bad moments, so how can I leave him when he's having one?
Posted 9/13/2010 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry, I did not read the previous posts by other members on the board before I posted this.
Posted 9/13/2010 3:20 PM (GMT 0)
LindzKaye09,

This is a situation that requires immediate help. We can really push others to their limits, but they ultimately have the control to either hurt us back or not, fully knowing we are in a manic or depressed or psychotic or anxious state, whatever state we are in.

YOU do not deserve to be abused. WE are never to be blamed for being abused. He does not have the right to go to that extreme of loosing control. Assault and battery are against the law.

Time out, is my recommendation. Protect, and recover your good sense, reflect, seek individual counsel and then with a third party find some kind of resolution as a couple.

Good luck and please keep us posted. Okay?
Posted 9/13/2010 4:15 PM (GMT 0)
I will let ya'll know what I figure out. I think I'm going to talk with him more about what he's willing to do to help himself. Thank you everyone.
Posted 9/13/2010 6:34 PM (GMT 0)

   THere is help for him in the military, as there is help for you also. Alchol needs to be a NO-NO in your house for the next year. All to often it lifts the thin veneer of civilation and exposes the ugly within. He is feeling all kinds of rage, and now that he has done it once, he will do it again and it will be worse. I have dealt with this on  both sides, both as the abuser and the abused. I can tell you that without help this will fester and only get worse.

   ANd you have done nothing to deserve this. I to went thru an episode two years ago where my wife stabbed me in the neck because i had an affair. I felt that i deserved what i got. Now two years later i realize that i didnt deserve to stabbed over that. ANd you also, problems that you may have, do not need to worry about the next time he drinks that he might hit you again. Its an unfair situation to put us in, when people hurt us, we are allways on pins and needles afterward. He is allowed to get made, he is allowed to not talk to you, sleep in another bedroom for a week or two, but he isnt allowed to verbally hurt you  or physically hurt you. 

  Bill

Posted 9/13/2010 7:15 PM (GMT 0)
Wow Lindz, this is so Not O.K.!

I hate that this situation has happened to you and I agree first thing you need to do is get safe.

1. The Miles Foundation has established a toll-free Advocacy Helpline  for victims of interpersonal violence associated with the military. The Advocacy Helpline is staffed by counselors, paralegals and advocates twenty-four hours a day, seven days per week.(1-877-570-0688)
2. I really do not care that he has poured out all the alcohol in the house. Domestic violence is a repeat offense. I have never seen it get better, especially in the face of depolyments.   Although there might be some help thru therapy? IDK
3. Unfortunately family advocacy programs do not enjoy confidentiality like chaplains do, so at the very least contact a military chaplain (for they do have confidentiality), and have them make a note of it (even if you do not want to persue it legal at this point in time, I just want some record of this being made if it happens again in the future).
4. Spouse Abuse. Includes assault, battery, threat to injure or kill, other act of force or violence, or emotional maltreatment inflicted on a partner in a lawful marriage when one of the partners is a military member or is employed by the Department of Defense and is eligible for treatment in an MTF. A spouse under 18 years of age shall be treated in this category.
Based on the committee's recommendations, the commander decides what action to take regarding the abuser., The commander determines whether to order the individual into treatment, and/or to seek to impose disciplinary procedures under the Uniform Code of Military Justice. The commander may also seek to obtain the discharge of the service member from the military.

5.The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help; call 800-799-SAFE or visit npvh.org.

6. info about military protective orders  http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=10866&state_code=US

7. some basics about military law, FAP, confidentiality, removal of guns, and finding help. http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=10864&state_code=US

8. safety plan: http://www.domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/

9. http://www1.umn.edu/humanrts/svaw/domestic/link/alcohol.htm

10. You family really might want to consider family and individual therapy For All Members! This might be reguarded as a mutually abusive situation (as you have admitted pulling a knife on him), and with this most recent episode seems to be escalating (and frankly you are pregnant!).

11. please think reading this website: http://www.domesticviolence.org/

 

Is he crying over what he did to you, or the fact that it could end his career?

Posted 9/13/2010 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
I know for a fact he is really scared of losing the kids and I. After everything first happened I went upstairs and started packing bags for all of us. He tried to help me up and was already crying and saying, "what did I do, omg, what did I do?" That's when I got the knife and said if he came near me again I was going to use it. I took the kids and left without saying anything to him and just told my daughter that we were going to have a sleep over at a friends house so daddy could get some rest. He called me EVERY hr begging me to come home, saying he would do anything to make this better and that this wasn't him. I told him he is now just like Robert, my x. He said you know this isn't me and I said I know that, but that my x said the same thing and it happened over and over and over again. He knows I won't take it one more time. He also knows I took pictures of all the cuts and bumps and bruises and that I will go to his command with them if I even think he's going to hit me or the kids. Later on, he said he doesn't want to go to counseling because he is scared of being kicked out, especially since he's getting ready to re-enlist in a month. I think the counseling thing is a cop out, but Id on't know what to do about it. He said if we go to counseling for spousal abuse that we could both have the kids taken away, because I've done it to him also. Especially in Cali, apparently they are really strict about it here. I just don't know. I know I can't just leave him, but I know he needs some kind of help. Thank you everyone for the support. I'm going o talk to him tonight and see what we figure out. He has been calling all day to see how I am doing...
Posted 9/13/2010 8:27 PM (GMT 0)
How about talking to the chaplain's office?

Remember do not engage unless you or children's lives are in immediate physical danger and in fear of your or their lives.  Granted, I would say slamming your head against the ground is immediate physical danger.

Perhaps the chaplain can help mediate, and get offline counseling?

Posted 9/14/2010 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
[quote]I know I can't just leave him,

Why can't you just leave him?

I'm not attacking you. I do want to know your reason(s).

((hug)))

Google "domestic violence" and "honeymoon phase." I think you know about this from your previous relationship(s), but look again.
Posted 9/14/2010 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
I know you're not attacking me. I know this is a touchy subject and I'm sorry for that. Well, I can't just leave because....No money, no place to live, he will try and take the kids (has threatened it many times before, using my biploar against me), I have two kids and pregnant with a third, who is going to take us in? How am I going to get a job to support us with all the issues I'm having right now? How can I leave him after one big incident, when he has stood by me for numerous big incidents with me? I know he's stressed and hurting just like I am. I'm going to help him all that I can. But, I let him know that if any alcohol comes into this house, I smell any on his breath, or if I even think he's going to hit me or the kids, that i'm filing for divorce, no ifs ands or butts about it! I did call my counselor and talked with her. She said if nothing else happens, she wants us both to come in ASAP! I thought about calling a chaplain and talking to them about things, I'm just scared to get him in trouble. I know that's stupid, but if this was a normal thing, i'd be in the police office already and doing all that other stuff, but it's not. He has been sleeping on the couch the past few nights and we haven't hugged or kissed or anything. He started to get upset when I wouldn't hug him after our talk tonight, but i just gave him a look and said I wasn't ready for that yet, he just looked at the ground. He still is refusing counseling at Fleet and Family Services, but said he will try to get some time off to go to my counselor with me. Although, he did make every excuse in the book as to why he probably WON'T be able to make an appnt....I'm too busy at work, they won't give me the time off, blah, blah, blah....
The whole thing is really starting to piss me off now! I haven't had a panic attack at all today...second that, I started having one while talking to him about the night, but calmed myself down and he rubbed my back and shoulders until I calmed down. But, besides that, no panic attacks, but I have been cleaning and talking to myself like some kind of mad women and have been getting very angry today. So, I have an appointment for tomorrow with my counselor. Sorry again about the sensitivity of this subject. I can delete it if it's causing too much trouble for ya'll. I just wasn't sure what to do about everything. Let me know what ya'll want me to do. I can figure it out on my own if I need to. It's okay, really.
Posted 9/14/2010 12:11 PM (GMT 0)
I think going to counseling yourself is a step in the right direction, perhaps getting your children in it might help too. Even if he does not go.

 

Posted 9/14/2010 1:25 PM (GMT 0)
Talking to a counselor is a very good thing, IMO. S/he will be able to give better advice.

1) There is free legal counsel available almost everywhere. Here is is a couple of hours a night at the library. Find out what he REALLY has for options for custody. My lawyer told me that mental illness cannot be used against you if you are compliant in treatment. That helped me relax a lot. My ex-husband knows this as well and by the number of times I ask him to watch my son for Dr. appointments, he definitely knows I'm seeking treatment. As part of our agreement towards my son's care, my son is not home when I have a medication change beause a bad reaction might scare him.

2) There are shelters for battered women everywhere - and they do take children. You can go TEMPORARILY. Tell your husband that you are upset and you need a break. Go for a week. Take a break. Think about it. Go home if you want to at the end of the week.

3) I know singles mommas that get by on child support, and do what they can to make additional money. There are government support agencies to help people like you get back up on their feet after events like this.

4) YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS!

5) If your silent / no physical contact thing is working like it sounds it like it is, hold out on him until he goes to counseling. Enough excuses already!

What I'm trying to say is FIND OUT what options you have. You don't have to do anything about them. But you can't let yourself get trapped in previous patterns because you don't know your options.

Once you know your options, are safe and prepared, then focus on the rest.
Posted 9/14/2010 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
I was in two abusive marriages with children. Once the abuse started...it repeated itself.
They apologized and made me think it would Never happen again and then it did and I
felt stupid. Then they tried to blame me and I believed that too. Neither of my husbands
would go to counselling or Alcoholics Anonymous...a clear indication they didn't want to change.
Do you have some money you could tuck away or get to a shelter? Do you have any family
member that would take you in? The longer you are away from the abuser the clearer it gets
as to how dangerous a situation you are really in. Can you go to a counsellor or Al-Anon meetings?
BTW...abusers do abuse the children also...may take awhile but they'll do it if they don't get help...
even if they do get help it's always a risk. One of the symptoms of alcoholism is violence, a change
in personality and grovelling remorse the next day. However, remorse doesn't keep them sober.
Posted 9/14/2010 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know what to do. I love him and hate him all at the same time. If I had a job and a house and a car in my own name, no I wouldn't stay. I'm not happy with the way things are going. But, I can't tell if I'm not happy because of my moods or if it's me.
I'm not scared of him, right now I'm just pissed and acting like a complete biatch. I'm the kind of person who NEEDS the physical and emotional attention of a mate. The longest I have ever been single was 6 months and I was just sleeping around with all kinds of people and getting into so much trouble. It's as though my moods get 10 times worse when I'm alone. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of my moods getting worse, I'm scared of what that will do to my kids, I'm scared of being alone, I don't want to take the kids from their father, I'm scared of what he will do to himself if we all leave him, I'm scared of what will happen to the kids if we stay, I'm just scared of all the different situations of what affect they will have on the kids. I can't eat hardly anything right now and I've been cramping the past two days. I have an OB appnt today and a counseling appnt. We get paid tonight, so I'm thinking about taking the kids to a hotel for a night or two. I can't stand seeing him. Every time he looks at me I want to hurl or hit him. I never thought he would do this. I don't understand anything right now. Everything is falling apart and I just want it to all go away.
Posted 9/14/2010 4:48 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry for all that you all have suffered with things like this and thank you for the kind words and advice.
Posted 9/14/2010 5:57 PM (GMT 0)
1. Here are a list of places in Cali for help: http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_state_type.php?type_id=1753&state_code=CA


2. here is a couple for the "S" places in CA if I am remembering where you are posted:
http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_state_type.php?type_id=1520&letter=S&state_code=CA


3.Department of Defense's Family Advocacy Program
Web: http://www.defenselink.mil/fapmip/

locations across the United States providing services to military families dealing with family violence. You can find a program near you on the FAP's website by selecting Family Advocacy Program.

Military HOMEFRONT
Web: http://www.militaryhomefront.dod.mil/tf/domesticabuse
The Department of Defense's webpage for victims of domestic violence who are serving or are in a relationship with someone serving in the military. The page provides basic information about the Family Advocacy Program, child abuse, domestic abuse, and resources for military families experiencing domestic abuse.

Lindz,

I want you to know that I support you (and you being safe), and what I am saying here is just thoughts off the top of my head.

This is the thing while getting counseling may end his career, but his out of control behavior can end someone's life (yours, his, or his shipmates).  As a former officer first I would want him to get help, however not all officers are as understand about serious home situations.  In all honesty, not getting counseling might not be an option for him.  You could do a restricted report (which basically means that you can get him in enough trouble that he has to get help, but it could go nuclear bad).

Unfortunately his career may need to end because you need him to be there to coparent and as a mate, because as you said you need someone around and the longest you have gone without a relationship was 6 months, and that is shorter then even my shortest deployment (granted I had a much more ship based job).  I am not saying this to be harsh, just realistic.  Furthermore, his career might already be in trouble, because I think I remember you saying that he got sent home when you were hospitalized.  Now, he might be able to get a hardship discharge due to your illness.

Posted 9/14/2010 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
If I separate from the abuser, is any financial compensation available to me?

Yes. You might qualify for the Transitional Compensation Program, which provides for financial, medical, dental, and commissary (grocery) and exchange (other goods/ products) privileges to family members who are being abused by a Service member.

If you have separated from the abuser, you are eligible for Transitional Compensation if:

•the Service member has been administratively separated from active duty due to abuse of a family member OR
•he was convicted by court-martial of an abuse offense AND either he is separated from active duty after the conviction OR he is sentenced to forfeiture of all pay and allowances;
•you were married to or you are the family member of a Service member and you were residing in his home with him when the offense occurred and
•the Service member has served at least 30 days on active duty.*
The payments are made once a month for 12-36 months and will begin either:
•on the date the administrative separation starts
•on the date the court-martial sentence is given or when the pre-trial agreement is approved.**
You will no longer be eligible to receive benefits if you remarry, go back to living with the abuser, or if the conviction is reduced to a lower punishment or the administrative separation is revoked (canceled).**

If the commander is considering separating your husband from the military, you may want to check with your FAP counselor to make sure the commander prepares the appropriate documentation for you to receive these benefits. You may also check with FAP to find out what the monthly compensation amount will be for you and your children.

Note: Even if you do not qualify for the Transitional Compensation Program, military service regulations require service members to provide "adequate support" to their family members.** Talk to the installation legal office for more information.
Posted 9/14/2010 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, thank you for finally being honest with yourself.

You've just made a list of what you want and what you need. Now, how are you going to get it?

Baby steps.

You don't HAVE to leave him. That is your choice.

BUT, you can take baby steps towards your list so that in the future if you DO have to leave him, you will be able to.

(((hugs)))
Posted 9/14/2010 9:35 PM (GMT 0)
bump
Posted 9/14/2010 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
bump on hw mean to bump the post to the top, so it is easier to see

it does not mean anything bad

Posted 9/15/2010 12:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hope things are going better by now at your house.
I think sleeping apart, at home, for awhile if you can, is helpful. Its helped me.
Getting abused like you did is assault. Have the # of the police handy for next time, just in case. You can't let him do that to you. Are you waiting till your head splits open?
The whole family needs individual therapy, the kids are hearing all this crap. They love you both - confusing.
Posted 9/15/2010 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
you should tell him he needs to get help and if he won't, then you should leave him.I know how it feels, I know It wouldn't be easy because you love him, but It's not gonna get better.My husbands abusive and it will slowly kill you from the inside out.
Posted 9/17/2010 5:25 AM (GMT 0)
UPDATE: The kids and I have been staying at a hotel the past few nights. We haven't gone to see him at all and he hasn't seen us. I told him we were going to continue to do this until he decided to go to counseling. He has finally decided to go! We have an appointment next week and I was sitting next to him when he called his boss and said he has to get off early that day to go to an appointment with his wife and his boss said he can have it. No fuss what so ever over it! I knew he was just blowing smoke up my ars about it being sooo hard to get off to go to an appointment with me. Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm glad to be back in my house again and have a little help with the kids. I've barely slept the past few nights and I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight...He begged me to take the bed tonight, so that I can get a good nights sleep. Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice. I'm really hoping he follows through with the counseling. I really do love him and want him, my kids, and myself to be a happy, healthy family.

I even had my neighbor keep an eye on him and he didn't go to the store once to buy alcohol! Hopefully, he is taking this seriously...
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