Being Self-aware sucks

It's hard and confusing, well maybe not so confusing that's why it hurts. My therapist made the comment to me that I was suffering abandonment issues. On the surface it made sense enough. But today I was doing a little research and it struck a chord. I'm an internalizer:
problems with
*depression
?other centeredness
*care-taking & approval seeking
*LACK of BOUNDARIES
*Have difficulty saying "NO" for fear of abandonment

*Lack of sense of personal power

extreeme examples of shameless behavior include:
Sexual, Physical, Psychological and Emotional ABUSE....

I get so tired of reading up on these revelations and it's like I'm reading a darn book about my life. It just makes everything I've buried so much harder as it comes to the surface. Just giving me something new to work out or understand about myself. I'm trying to heal....but I don't know how. Nothing ever stays buried.

When you dig it up, you can release it. It hurts to bring it up, but it hurts too keep it buried.

Yes, it is a miserable experience, but worth it.

"Yep, I had become a people pleaser, codependent, verbally abused woman."

Me too! Getting divorced triggered a long hypomania. With new energy, I was able to "right" all the "wrongs" and move on. I'm not longer codependent. I'm in a healthy relationship.

AND, the best part is having a civil relationship with the people that hurt me. Especially my ex-husband. But a lot of that was recognizing how awful I was to live with and apologizing. Sure he's a jerk in general. But he did the best he could under the circumstances. Was it good? Was it right? NO! But trying to see his point of view (with a lot of the men on the forum with bipolar spouses), I've released all that hurt and anger and we can move with productive conversations about parenting our son.

I'm traveling down a slippery slope. I have my huaband worried, he said the last time I was like this was when I found out I was BP and started reading up on it. It sent me into overload and I was in a deep depression for a month or so. I understand that all the pain I have is buried some deeper than others. It's been fighting it's was to the surface for as long as I can remember. I tried to explain to him that it's simply identifying with and understanding the root causes of the disease. It's overwhelming and painful. Sometimes so much comes rushing forth that I can't breathe, I can't stop crying. I just can't go on ignoring my past, no matter how painful it is. All I can do is try and process in moderation. (easier said than done)
what's the use in being crazy if you have to be sane at the same time?
It hurts so much sometimes, I don't know who I am. The majority of my past/present behavior is directly linked to need to survive and cope.
Does it ever get easier? Once these connections are realized and worked thru?
Do we ever really work thru them?
I cried hard last night, trying to explain what's going on inside my head. How it feels to be around my friends and family one min and suddenly want to pull away, not be touched, talked to....it's unnerving. I want to run away and hide. But I have to hold those emotions at bay and it's such a massive struggle.
It sucks!!!!

Yes, healing is real.

The only thing I can think of that you can do right NOW, is to write, scribble, draw. When you fell overwhelmed, pick up a pencil and express it. Get it off your chest. No, your family can't understand what you are experiencing.

But, you can write letters and notes to them when you are feeling well enough.

You can explain it like a cat that is purring one moment and hisses and bites the next. You are overwhelmed and overstimulated and need a break. You still love - that never changes - but you need time to decompress and regroup.