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Posted 9/18/2010 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
Not exactly bipolar as my meds seem to be working...

Why is it that the person you love can hurt you the most?  I have a constant underlying conviction that I'm not good enough for my fiance.  This isn't some enduring inferiority complex, but a mountain of hurt added to daily.  Not to mention family and friends telling me that "he's too good for you."

Today, I find a fabulous sale and buy him polo shirts for work.  Some of his shirts are very worn and should be replaced.  I knew that we wouldn't find a better price before they needed to be replaced.  I saved the receipt and wronte a note saying that they can be exchanged for color or size even though the sale had ended.

His response?  "Why do I need new shirts?"  "I don't like the kind with the cuff like that.  (Looks at receipt)  Well I guess for $8 they are alright."  Gee thanks.

I scrubbed out the scum from the shower - an item off my to-do list.  When I finally finish, I let him know that I hadn't picked up the bottles off the floor yet.  I only said this because if he went inside and saw that undone, he would be unhappy with me.  I acknowledged that I was aware of it and would take care of it.  But his response to me cleaning the shower:  "Did you get the paint cleaned off the floor?"  Wow.  Thank you.  Not only did you insult my effort to clean, you also pointed out something else on my to-do list in a condescending way.  (As if it isn't long enough already.)

Another thing on my to-do list was to trim two shrubs that were growing too tall.  I've trimmed them before with scissors and I intended to do that again, but the trim it in a way that it would grow fuller, rather than taller, and be easier to shap next year.  I was outside after checking on my rabbits.  I saw the scissors I use to trim the bushes in the shed, so I picked them up and started to carefully trim the bush.  My fiance comes over upset that I'm trimming the bushes with scissors since he bought a hedge-trimmer at an auction today.  I explained why I was trimming them with scissors to make them grow thicker for next year so they would look better.  He accuses me of "hurrying to trim them because I bought a hedge-trimmer today."  I am tired of accusations.  I began to trim the hedge because it was on my to-do list and seeing the scissors in the shed when I went out to check on the rabbits reminded me of that.

My son missed his nap today and was getting louder, talking in a high-pitched whine and clinging to my fiance who was already worn out after dragging a 3-year-old to 2 auctions.  In order to give my fiance his much-needed time out, and to protect him from my hurt and irritability, I told my son to take a nap.  And my fiance is on the attack again.  "It's 5:30!  Why are you sending him to a nap now?!"  I replied, "He's getting obnoxious.  He's not going to nap anyway."  And off he is again, "So you're going to teach him that he doesn't have to take a nap, that he can play and sing."  Never mind that is what he does everyday already.  And it's normal.  Everyday, he takes a "nap" after lunch.  It's really a quiet time.  Some days he naps.  Somedays he doesn't.  He gets enough sleep for his age already.  It's not about him getting enough sleep.  It's about allowing him (and me) to unwind and settle down.  Without a "nap" he gets overstimulated - like today - and everyone is frustrated and out of patience.

So here I am again, hurt.  I tried to do something nice for my fiance - to give him a much-needed break from a noisy, whiny, clingy toddler.  And for the response I get, he might as well just said, "You are a bad parent with poor judgment and you're going to screw up your kid."

Gee thanks.  It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside and makes me want to do everything I can to make your life better.  It makes me feel cherished and protected.  *sarcasm*

It makes me hurt, first I cry.  Then I am ANGRY, with no way to communicate it to him.  I have no way to say "You hurt me."  When I have before, it went ignored.

Now he is angry too, and I have no idea why.  He refuses to communicate with me.  When my son brought a bit of humor to cut the tension, I asked, "Are we ever going to talk or are we going to be angry forever?"  He says, "I'm not going to talk."

$%^& you!  devil cry

Posted 9/19/2010 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
I can't offer much but I don't want you to feel like any of us are ignoring your thread just because it's not bipolar related. my dad married a woman who has a lot of 'quirks' and through years of marriage hes discovered these quirks and how to do things that won't annoy her even though they wouldnt annoy anyone else, because theyre her quirks, and he loves her. sometimes people never change, so you just have to learn what makes them tick and what ticks them off and adapt to them. he probably doesnt understand that you were thinking about him when you bought those shirts, or that you thought you were doing the right thing by trimming the hedges with the scissors. men tend to think theyre right a lot. do you think its also possible he has a different parenting style from you? thats something you will have to meet towards the middle with because he obviously has a lot of different opinions from you, especially in the parenting department (and the shirt department.. and the hedge department...) don't let him hurt your feelings. try to get him to see how much the things you do around the house are important to you and realize that he might not realize how big of a jerk he's really being. i hope you feel better, i think its time to have a talk with your fiance.
Posted 9/19/2010 1:35 PM (GMT 0)
I think ya'll should break up. He is obliviously not good for you. Even though you are on medication you still need to be in a good environment and your not. The fact that you have a son means that he will look up to your fiance because that is his father figure. He doesn't appreciate you, your son will pick up on the way he speaks to you and not knowing that it's wrong will probably treat you bad also, as he gets older.That is also going to teach your son that he can talk to all women that way, this is the cycle. You need to break it seriously, he sounds like a complete and total jerk, You shouldn't marry someone that you have communication problems with. Maybe you should see if he will take relationship counseling, if not, then you should leave him for your own mental health and your sons.If you stay with him and he doesn't get help, you are hurting your family, you and your son. Don't take that crap because you feel like you have to or because you love him, you can always find someone else.It is better for your son to have a good mother and no father, than a good mother and a manipulative father, in wich case he would take you for granite. You are in my prayers and I hope you do the rite thing.
Posted 9/19/2010 2:08 PM (GMT 0)
Tortie,

I am sorry you went through that, you are right, the people we love the most, also have the ability to hurt us the most.

I hope you have clear in your head, your intentions for every example you have given. THAT is your truth. Hope that makes sense to you, without me having to explain it.

Stay strong
Posted 9/19/2010 4:11 PM (GMT 0)
I think my therapist is going to have me drag him into one of my sessions. (yay!)

So the last session, we talked a lot about relationships. I sort of talked out something I hadn't realized before: I need him to tell my why he is upset while he is STILL upset. Otherwise I panic.

So after the therapy session, we were at an auction (neutral territory + both of us in a good mood). There wasn't anything we were interested up, so I asked him to come outside so we could talk better. I told him

"When I came home and your truck wasn't there, I started to freak out because I thought you were angry because the dishes weren't washed, that you went out to eat, and that I was going to get the silent treatment tonight."

(The look on his face was priceless. He started to say "What?" but then let me continue to talk.)

I need you to tell my why you are upset while you still are upset. I'm not asking for feelings - just facts. Like you could say, "I'm angry the dishes aren't done, I'm going to go get a sandwich and go back to work." Can you do that?

I forget what he said. It wasn't exactly a reassuring response. The "I'll try but no guarantee" type response.

But then, he didn't tell me what he was angry about yesterday. I'm sure it had nothing to do with what I was upset about.

Anyway - my point with that story was that he was completely shocked with how I perceived something as little as him not being home. So apparently something I need to talk to my therapist is MY perception as well.

I slept in the basement bedroom last night. This morning, my son got up early and we (me, my son, and my fiance's dog) climbed up on the bed to wake him up in true Sunday-morning-family-bed-cuddle time.

I never quite know what to think when it's blown over, but not actually resolved.

Yeah awty - that makes sense. I think we don't know each other well enough to understand each other's motivations. We don't talk about it, both jump to conclusions and get angry. All without ever talking about it.
Posted 9/19/2010 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he's too good for you....more like he's not good enough for you. Any man that loves you should be accepting and loving towards you. They should appreciate you and what you try to do for them. It's a two way street and yes things get rough but it's the little things that can make or break us. Think about the things you want in your life....in your childrens lives. Don't settle, your worth more than that.
Posted 9/19/2010 9:38 PM (GMT 0)
I do have to say that relationships and emotions are his achilles heel.

I am not going to be ignored. But until he gets my message, it won't be talking. My attempt for the day: I SEWED a note to his pillow. "You are turning my heart into hamburger. Stop hurting me."

I'll sleep in the basement until he starts talking. I have one (final) idea that could completely backfire. Give him back the ring with a note: "I can't marry someone who won't communicate with me." Of course, that might set off a nasty chain of events that I don't want to think about. :( But that is what my heart says right now.
Posted 9/20/2010 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
Can you please do me a favor? Do not do anything until you talk with your therapist.

Please understand I am not saying the following things to make you feel bad, just to point out things that you could do to better your relationship skills.  Because I cannot help him for he is not asking for help.

 Concerns:

1.You sewed a negative message into a pillowcase.  Do you think that is really is a good relationship communication tool?

2."I can't marry someone who won't communicate with me." Well yes of course, but the thing is this is not cool relationship communication on your part either.  Because it sounds like he might just be oblivious.

3.  What is wrong with him saying he will try?  All we can ask from people is to do the best they can at that moment in time.  No one is always going to be perfect.

I hope you know that I do wish you well, and I also want you to behave in a manner that you can still hold your head up no matter what happens.

The communication style you (and he) are using might not be the best for the situation.  Because it speaks not only for relationship communication issues, but also your own feelings of insecurity might just be hurting yourself here.

 

Posted 9/20/2010 3:15 AM (GMT 0)
I don't see my tp for 2 weeks this time.

I am worried this will turn into depression. That will NOT help! Right now, OK. Stressed, worried, confused, hurt, ANGRY.

I am so desparate for a hug. :(
Posted 9/20/2010 3:18 AM (GMT 0)
((((((((((((((((((tort))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Posted 9/20/2010 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
OK. I did something TOTALLY out-of-line, but I'm going to sleep better for it. I looked at his computer history. He read my blog at 8:20 - late enough to read today's blog. So he DOES know what I'm thinking about. He does know WHY I'm hurting right now.

So I don't have to wonder if I've been heard. Do I just wait for a response? I might never get one.

I know I was wrong to see if he had read it. I can't tell you how relieved and more calm I feel. I tried to sleep starting 3 hours ago. I think I will be able to sleep now.
Posted 9/20/2010 6:06 AM (GMT 0)
Glad you are feeling a little relief, and hope you do get some sleep.

Maybe he just can't face himself on this, admitting inside that he's been very cold-hearted and unappreciative. Is he a perfectionist? He expects alot thats for sure.
My ex was like that, would reduce me to nothing with words and never understanding. Then I would wake up in the middle of the night, so anxious and in pain. I stayed with him 21 years, children were involved. Wish I had taken action early on. I might have been better off alone.

Hope the morning finds you feeling better
Posted 9/20/2010 1:01 PM (GMT 0)
Wow.

Lots of communicating going on, but not the way each partners wants it to go. You both are not listening to each other. My way or no way? We should not pick sides here. I understand the pain of not being validated. I understand not being heard, or appreciated for going the extra mile, making the effort to explain what I am doing and not being recognized for it... I also get it when I don't see or hear my partner's perspective, his way of expressing himself, his own struggles of dealing with my BP issues etc. We are human, they are human, hurrah!!!

So let's ease up on high expectations and fast judgment calls and quick actions.

Yes, I agree it hurts in the moment, when you do not get the responses you want for behaving properly. I know. But MMMNavy is correct. You need a third party arbitrator here....

Hang in there, just a little bit.
Posted 9/20/2010 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
PS: I am recognizing the triggers... and validating your efforts... don't think I am not seeing that you are working it.

Tortoise11, I won't enable the mania nor the depression. I am trying to support the wellness and balance aspect of you. Hope that is not too corny.... and I think you know what I mean.

Hugs,

A./
Posted 9/20/2010 1:47 PM (GMT 0)
"Maybe he just can't face himself on this, admitting inside that he's been very cold-hearted and unappreciative. Is he a perfectionist? "

TY. I hadn't thought of it from this perspective. YES - he is a terrible perfectionist - at least at work.

At home? I'm not sure if it's "perfectionist", but he does want things done a certain way. But I don't know what it is until AFTER I've done something wrong, and then I'm not sure if I did something wrong or if he had a bad day at work or has something on his mind.

I think I am going to start listing his "rules" and expectations. Partly because it makes my head swim and partly because it might be useful in the future.

There is a difference between what he says and what he believes. Because he has said repeatedly that he does not have expectations for me, or for what he wants me to do. BUT, he clearly does.

Maybe he doesn't say because he doesn't want to sound like a controlling jerk? But if he said, it would be so much easier. Yes, yes, no, I'll try, yes. I could communicate back what I'm willing to do or cahnge and tell him what I can't change or what would be hard to change.

Without that dialogue I am giving away pieces of myself. We'll look back someday and I won't be the person he loved. I'll be his soul-less little robot, who (probably still) can't do anything right.

I think you guys are right about needing a 3rd party involved to help mediate. I don't want to fight. You can probably guess from my strong rhetoric that I am NASTY in a verbal fight. I'll carefully throw every weakness and insecurity back at you, the better I know someone, the dirtier I fight because the better I know someone, the more ammunition I have. I have a way with words that can do some serious damage. I never want to see him *actually* angry. He's told me about 1 or 2 explosions he has had at work. He's not an angry/explosive type, but he was VERY upset with himself over a mistake. (Doing surgery on the wrong shoulder, for example.) Not blowing up over little things. And I only remember 1 time he mentioned it in over a year. I know that the capability is there.

He told me that he and his previous girlfriend of 4 years used to fight all the time. Maybe he is afraid to start down that road? I asked what about and he said that he was "hard to live with." LOL At the beginning of living with someone, you expect bumps in the road, differences of opinion, and different ways of getting things done. Some changes you like and adapt to easily and others are hard to confrom to. I didn't think he was hard to live with.

Now it is 10 or 11 months of living together and not improving - ONLY because of the communication problems. IF I knew what I was dealing with, I could deal with it. KWIM?
Posted 9/21/2010 2:01 PM (GMT 0)
I (thought) I was over the hurt and thinking rationally, but after my fiance cam home, I fell apart crying. I was just sitting on the couch and suddenly started crying (silently). My fiance was doing something, asked me a question and looked at me. He asked "Are you alright?" I just said, "We should talk sometime."

I went downstairs and bawled my eyes out. He was cooking dinner. He asked me to come upstairs to help with something and I forget what he said, but I had mascara ALL over my face because I had been crying so hard. I washed up, clamed down, started crying all over again in the bathroom. He came and gave me a hug. I got it together again, sat down to dinner, and started crying again. ... good god. lol. Finally went to the bathroom and calmed down to eat.

He is irritated by crying, so I always hide it from him. But I couldn't anymore and I thinkg he realized that the note I left on his pillow is real. I really am hurt.

Besides for my little crying outburst, things are not getting worse. I really tried to do a couple things around the house to avoid irritations. Like the screen door slamming - drives him nuts and I forget all the time.

But he got home from work early, my son announced what I was doing and why (thanks, kiddo.) And even though I installed it correctly, I couldn't get it to work. My other project was to put up 2 new clotheslines. I looked at the old ones and how they broke and got the correct hardware so the new lines would last longer. But I'm not strong enough to bend the hardware! I had to get him to help me. :( Afterwards, I gave him a hug, said thank you, and told him that I hate that I need him. lol. I was so frustrated - that's not exactly what I was trying to say, but I think he "got" it: "I need you and I love that you are here for me." would have been more accurate. :)

Sooo.... he won't talk, BUT he will listen. So I got a little turn to talk last night. I tried not to overdo it because I had the secret insight that he had read my blog. So I had no reason to point a finger or get hard on the negative "you did x, y, z, that hurt me."

The only thing I really needed him to absorb I got through with a comment that might have hurt him a little. I think I got through to him. "I have NEVER had this hard of communicating with anyone in my life before. Even [my ex-husband] and I have better communication *now* that you and I ever have had."

Yeouch. I hope it got my point home. I didn't say anything else confrontational and he did talk a little bit responding to me.

He left me a note yesterday (and a thank you) which I appreciated. And mmmm.... yummy sex last night.

I guess this is how we "do" conflict. We talk a little bit, here and there, over a period of days, while continuing to do the normal stuff. I like that, but I do NEED to hear his point of view.
Posted 9/21/2010 2:03 PM (GMT 0)

  Hey tortise, well you know i spent 11 years trying to help my wife "get" me and what i need help with. And you know now that i am in divorce proceedings and moved out of the house.  I feel now that we can;t really help those we love understand us. THey either get it on a primal level or they dont. My bad luck was to marry  a woman who has showed more and more that she is selfish. That didnt jive with what i needed to be successful in my life. 

    In the end people will be the people they will be. Normally only a life/death experiece or medications (like what we take) changes people. I have found that i need a person who is more interested in us, not just themselves. So when i go looking again, i will be looking for someone who knows how to appreciate and knows how to show appreciation.

    I hope for you that i am wrong, that he can learn and change and become the man you need in your life.

  Bill

  

Posted 9/21/2010 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
If he would just TALK to me, he would be perfectly perfect.

I'm working on finding new friends and a wider support system. Spread it out thinly so if he has a bad day it doesn't affect me so much.

I just got back in touch with a former co-worker and his family. They have 5 kids, the youngest the same age as my son. The wife is also a stay at home mom and has depression and anxiety - over some of the same things I have anxiety over. We also have another common interest. (3 things in common). We're planning a playdate for the kids. +1 for the support system.

Still working on the neighbor. Also a disabled stay at home mom. She's super sweet. She offered to watch James anytime I'm having a bad day. She knows I'm "sick" and on meds, but doesn't know what it is. +1 again.

If I get all my talking out IRL, and get positive feedback there, I should be able to cope better with less verbal communication that I like at home.

I have to figure out this: IF our communication doesn't change, is it healthy for me be in this relationship?
Posted 9/22/2010 12:08 AM (GMT 0)
A relationship can't survive without good communication. It is impossible.
Posted 9/22/2010 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
OK. I sent him an email.

"I was not happy to see that you washed the dishes. I usually come back from an appointment in a bad mood (reality sucks) and doing something physical that I can see results helps me get over it. Today I had a reason to plan on doing it in the afternoon.

I do procrastinate on washing dishes too much. When you do it, I feel guilty and you are not to happy or nice about it either. It would be easier if you simply said, "Would you please wash the dishes before lunch?" I don't think that is controlling or demanding.

Today was an example of what I would call "expectations." You must have expected it to be done before you got home, I didn't know that, and you were upset, then I feel hurt. Then you do it yourself, and I feel guilty which adds to my feeling of not being able to do anything right. If I knew what you wanted, none of that would have happened.

I didn't even figure out what was wrong until I was ready to leave. First I thought it was Hunter rolling in something. Then I thought it was the puppy. Please don't leave me guessing.

I'm sorry for screwing it up (again). I'll try not to procrasinate anymore.

Thank you for watching [my son] today. I love that I can trust you completely with him. You are a great parent.

XOXO"

Did I do alright? I didn't want to attack, just explain how it affects me.

This morning I asked him if my email made sense to him He replied, "Vaguely." I finally feel HEARD. And I think he's starting to understand what I mean by "expectations."

Today we talked freely - about our various continuing education classes, yardwork, making lunch together. Rather superficial, but talking.
Posted 9/22/2010 10:26 PM (GMT 0)
Tort,
You ever think about not being so hard on yourself. Hello he is an adult he can wash dishes, and it is not your exclusive job since you are the girl. Just learn to say "thanks for taking care of that honey." Frankly, I think a man washing dishes (doing housework in general) is sexy.

Please do not take this in a bad way, because I wonder if this is an issue of low relationship self-esteem and how to fight fair and maintain realistic expectations.
Perhaps learning to chill out about the little stuff like dishes and shopping honey. Perhaps, he is not critiquing you. He might just suffer from not self editting enough. But also know there are other physical things you can do to help you thru the having a bad day.
Hugs,
Navy
P.S. if he was really upset because he washed the dishes then he needs to grow up, and you need to let go of that kind of control

Posted 9/23/2010 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
Please explain "sewing a negative message in a pillowcase" , went over my head, lol.

You seem to be going way overboard trying to please him. Does he get that bent out of shape about things? It seems that you are trying to "earn" your way into his heart. Don't you care for him unconditionally? He owes you the same. And don't fall for the idea that yeah, he loves me, just likes to pick on me like a bone, its OK, I understand.

You are trying so very hard. I want to acknowledge that. Don't sabotage your efforts by feeling guilty.

Go Girl !
Posted 9/23/2010 12:45 AM (GMT 0)
tort,

I have a little experiment for you, if you want t...o because I wonder how much of this might be helped by building yourself up here... I would like you to think about trying  hear this song a couple times a day or anytime you feel bad. But at least 3 times a day.

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/bruno-mars-just-the-way-you-are-official-video/00fc3b9e5cda0be1e81e00fc3b9e5cda0be1e81e-256746784317?q=bruno%20mars%20just%20the%20way%20you%20are&FORM=VIRE5

Hugs,

Navy

Posted 9/23/2010 2:17 PM (GMT 0)
TY. That's a beautiful song. I had to share it with my facebook friends too. :)

He's not like that about everything. There are plenty of things he doesn't care about at all. Just trying to give a reality check in case I made him sound too awful. :)

We deal with a lot of our issues with humor. A banter going back and forth about our pet peeves. Yesterday we were out shopping and went out to eat. I had so many chances to bring attention to things he says that come off badly. It was a little bit of humorous, light conversation injected in between the rest of our talking. No hurt feelings. I tried really hard to NOT sound like I was attacking him, just simply point out statements that affect me.

You guys think I'm trying too hard too please him? Where is the difference between pulling my own weight in a relationship and trying too hard?

By mentioning it WHEN it happens, he seemed to understand my point-of-view better. And now that he knows what bothers me, I can let it rest. I refuse to be the nagging type!

I think the communication has started. I feel heard. I don't feel hurt. I'm starting to realize that it is just a pattern of him talking and not necessarily a complaint or being negative. I'm trying to not get all bent-out-of-shape over it, but still trying to draw a boundary over what is too much.

@ TTU. I wrote a note, "You're turning my heart into hamburger. Please stop hurting me" on a piece of fabric and sewed it onto his pillowcase. :D I should probably take it off, lol.
Posted 9/24/2010 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
Woot! I think things are all better now. Going on 16 days of normal. Impulse control is much improved - able to eat just a little less each meal to (hopefully) lose weight. I'm taking better care of myself. I bought nicer clothes and tossed the stuff that didn't fit.

We've been spending more time apart on our own interests - I'm taking a dance class and a wild edible plants class. He is taking a business class. He is getting ready to leave for a few days to go hunting. Visitation is going smoothly with my son so he is gone 2 - 3 days a week, giving us a break and more fun while he is here.

Our relationship is better than it has been in a long time. (Then again, I've been in episodes for 18 of the 19 months we've been together). He initiated sex at lunchtime - a huge treat for me because he normally doesn't do either.

I want to thank you all for the encouragement and reality checks. You gave me the confidence to start communicating in ways that he understood. I realized that he doesn't necessarily have to talk much for problems to be resolved. He is more than willing to listen - and that is what counts to me.

Yes, we do have work to do to make sure this communication deepens and becomes easier. I see my therapist next week and we'll have lots to talk about - some good and some not-so-good.

Thank you again. You guys are the best!
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