Think I need help...

Went into a full on rage last night. This time, I hit. Threw things, threatened to leave, wanted a divorce right then and there, was emotionally abusive. Woke my daughter up and she came downstairs crying...by this time I was huddled in a corner crying and going into a panic attack. Husband sent her back upstairs, crying. Still feeling extremely angry and hyper....Kept hearing the baby cry last night, when he wasn't. Cleaned the entire house yesterday, should be exhausted, but not. Husband was actually scared last night. Haven't seen him that way in a long time. Couldn't sleep next to him, felt too guilty. Worse thing is...I don't remember most of it....I actually got that mad again. Swore it would never happen again, but it did. Don't even know why. I know him telling me he might not be able to spend Thanksgiving with the family set me off, but I don't know why I was in the mood to begin with. I think a hospital may be a good thing right now. I've turned back into the abuser...this is not me I swear. He kept saying he wants to be married to me cause he loves me, but how can he love someone like this. He's just so stupid. I wish he would just take the kids and go. No one else would get hurt by my weakness but me and I'm the only one who truly deserves it. After all that I've done to this family...maybe going away is the best answer for everyone. I hated my brother for doing it to his family, but maybe he had the right idea. I can't stand making my children cry. I'm the mother, I'm supposed to be their protector. I'm supposed to kick the persons ass who does make them cry, not cause them to cry. As many problems as we are having right now, I'm his wife and supposed to love and cherish him and be there for him after he has a bad day...how can I do that if I can't even get a hold of my own emotions?

What do you so when you've hurt someone so much? What do you do when THEY are your trigger? How do you take care of your children, when you can barely even take care of yourself? How do you live with yourself constantly, after all that you have done? How do you STOP this?

I agree; go to the hospital now...
concentrate on getting yourself better and the family situation will improve.

I too think you should go to the hospital or get in to see your pdoc asap.  You are very wise to think about going to the hospital.  In terms of stopping it - and you may be doing this - you see a therapist weekly - maybe marriage counseling would help identify the triggers, if there is one around you might consider going to a bipolar support group, you make sure you are seeing your pdoc about tweaking your medications regularly until you feel stabilized.  Just some thoughts.