Feeling Down, or Up, or Down, or Up.... or Something.

I'm feeling down, and I'm hoping it won't start a mood swing.

I'm wanting to work again.  Mostly because I want to get my house back.  It is leased out to my parents - they are saving me from foreclosure, trying to sell the house.  I want to get a job that pays enough to pay for the house and pay back my parents.  I really love the property and I'd like to keep it as an income property.

I asked about a job opening at a hardware store.  The hours are 5:00 to 9:00 (a.m.!).  It's 20 minutes away, so getting up at 4:15 a.m. is a bit much.  Childcare might work out for those times.  It's just part-time.  I didn't ask how many hours. 

My fiance suggested a job at a daycare center.

Now I'm freaking out with anxiety.  I'm feeling down.  Feeling pressured.  Feeling guilty.  Maybe I can't do this.  Maybe I should apply for disability like my therapist suggested?  I don't even know what that process is.  It's so scary to me!

I don't know which way to turn, but I do know I feel terrible on the couch just sewing. 

Post Edited (tortoise11) : 10/12/2010 10:11:16 PM (GMT-6)

The only reason I could do that job was because I was in a long hypomanic episode. As soon the episode ended, I was terminated for poor performance. That was a year ago. :(

I worked in the pet care industry for 10 years, so if there is a pet-related job I can get it. No pet stores with in 40 miles. No grooming shops within 20+ miles. No grooming shop large enough to hire employees in 40 miles. There isn't enough of a market to support another dog trainer here. I can't work at the boarding kennel for a reason not worth explaining here. I did performance dogs (like stunt dogs at amusment parks) briefly in a hypomania, but I couldn't handle it and was seriously messed up in anxiety to the point that my dog quit performing for me! The vet clinics? I won't work for my fiance! or his competiton! So unfortunately that is out. Moving back to my hometown 40 miles away to get into the pet car industry won't work. Bipolar shattered my reputation - people's false assumptions... anyway it sucks for me. I've given up on pet stuff.

UNLESS my fiance buys the vet clinic her works at and adds grooming services. I would do that, but it would be so part-time. I COULD do that. I've had bad anxiety when I've groomed (even though I'm really good at it). But the people would be fine, I'd have to take lots of "time-outs" when I get too overwhelmed and I'd have to have more anti-anxiety medication that now.

The other bad thing about that is it would be so part-time. Like $200 a MONTH part-time. I need to make about $1,000 per month. That would be 30 - 35 hours at $9/hr. I don't think I can do that. :(

I can't do shift work. I can't work evenings. It screws me up too much and I'm on Seroquel so I'm getting loopy about 7:30 p.m.

So with living in the middle of no where ... the hardware store sounds good. Except it probably doesn't pay much. I don't think it would pay more that $800 per month. But that's better than nothing. Plus I could groom dogs (if/when that is possible) at the same time.

So even though I had a major anxiety attack and then slept the rest of the afternoon, I think I need to talk to my fiance, talk to my neighbor and get my butt up to the store before the opportunity is lost. I'm hoping that with the hours there isn't much interest in it. :crossfingers:

Then I need to talk to my pdoc right away, I know it will trigger hypomania. Every job I've taken was in hypomania or triggered hypomania. And I've lost every job I've ever had, and had every attempt at a small business fail when my episode ended. It is so frustrating. :(

I read through the requirements for disability and I'm 99% sure I would qualify. Age and years working is fine. I have 3 disorders on the list that I've had for more than 2 yers and that will continue for more than 1 year. And stress of working WILL cause an episode.

But actually admitting that I can't handle stress of any kind? :( If I got disability, I would probably go into a depression. But the disability money is just *barely* enough to cover the house expenses. I think you can work a little bit with disability income too. So I could do a dog grooming later that way too.

I don't know what to think. Just thinking about options and lack of options I'm freaking out again. I have to stop now... pulse racing, tearing up. I have to go lie down. My fiance will be home from work anytime now and won't be happy to find me in bed. Or curled up on the couch. No good options. I don't know what to do! Not in the next 3 minutes! Not in the next day. Or for the rest of my life. :(

Oh - my new not-yet-trained dog that I intend to get around to training as a service dog was great today.

She laid close with me during the anxiety. Mostly ignoring me. I need to teach her to lay closer and apply pressure to me, but whatever.

And then I starting slipping into depression. I was still lying down and she started harassing the crap out of me. Would NOT leave me alone. After smacking her on the muzzle (whoops) I realized what she was doing! I got up and gave her treats. :) And remembered to take my Seroquel XR on time.

That's encouraging. I should actually train the dog. She's as a fluke responded perfecting to a BAD mixed episode, anxiety and oncoming depression. Those are the big three for me. So knowing that she can identify those, I need to train the response (task) that helps me. And I need to train her to support my weight and help me balance since I get so dizzy/lightheaded/syncope in anxiety/panic attacks.

Menards? Good place for anonymity. If it goes well you might get more hours. Sounds like a possibility. If you don't like it, Menards is quite the swinging door of opportunity for people. And have never accounted anyone serve me who seemed stressed out. Sometimes stress is perceived but not really off the charts. Your fiance hit the nail on the head, if you're this anxious just thinking about it, what is a job really going to do to you?
But ever so tempting since it is part-time, you have the child care covered and will not be dishing out a lot of money on it and its close to home.
Your goal of paying for your house is admirable, tho I fear lofty. Did you buy it before prices were inflated? I'm a little confused about who's living there, if you have a 3rd party paying to lease of it from your parents. (Helpful folks.)
I'm impressed that at your age, you among many things, bought a home. Oh, and do you have much equity in it?
Did I see mentioned that you forgot the Seroquel two days in a row? Could be contributing to your discontent even more.
Disability is a possibility, doesn't pay a lot/mo. but you do get Medicare after 2 years. Do you have insurance now? Getting disability does not mean you will have to stay on it. Make out an application soon, it is a lengthy process. And you will be paid in arrears from the date of initial filing, a nice chunk of change. Can your previous pdoc do the necessary paperwork for you? If your parting was peaceful, could work out there too. Don't think you need a current failure under your belt. What was so stressful about the last job?
Just my ruminations. Got to go check out my new friend's blog, he he.
Thinking about you !
Sandy

Google Apply for Social Security Disability and look for the official goverment site.  They have the forms there.

Make an appointment at your locial SSA office (there is a locator function on the site)

There will be a person who will help you put together your initial claim.

When you apply the doctors cannot refuse to fill out the paperwork for the SS administration.  There is no opinion place on those papers.  It is all fact baced.  If the doctors want to give an opinion they can write and give you a letter if you request it.  Friends and family will also get an oppurtunity to fill out paperwork to give their point of view.

The  SSA office collects records as far back as you have been recieving treatment.

They will look at all your work history (including whatever happened at these other jobs)

After the initial claim, (nearly all bipolar are turned down at least once.  It is an "invisable disability" and you have to be like, missing your limbs, to get apporved the first time arround) go get a lawyer who does disability cases.  They do all the paperwork for you, make sure all the deadlines are met and collect all the medical records for you.  (I wish I had gotten mine sooner in the process)

I worred about the cost of the lawyer, but I found out the ones that are good at this take a portion of back payment of awards only.  (mine will take a quarter of the backpayment, or $6,000, whichever comes first.) If they don't think you can get it, they don't take you as a client.  If you don't get SSDI, then they don't get paid.  You pay nothing out of pocket.

I was turned down twice before the hearing, so don't let that get you down.  It took 18 months, so be prepared to wait a long time.  I'm still in a place where I don't really know my feelings about getting approved.

Hi tortoise,

I just want you to know I am sorry you are not feeling well. How often do you see pdoc? Do you have rapid cycling in your diagnosis, I am curious? (I can't remember if you are type I or II?)

Work vs no work is a tough decision and I believe you need to feel somewhat stable to make that kind of decision. You need to be clear in your mind of what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. And I know that is so tough when you don't feelt well. Also, making this decision could lead to stability if you make the right choice for yourself. You mentioned that you worry about possibly getting depressed if you don't work. For me that is definitely a factor. While there are so many days I can barely function at work, I know for a fact that if I were home each day, I would not be able to function in this world, at all.

I think when it comes to working there are things that are a MUST:

Stable hours (mine is Monday to Friday 8am to 4pm), period. Shift work does NOT work with bipolar.

I believe you must take things into consideration like "dealing with people" for example. I had to get out of the customer service industry completely because my irritability and depressions would interfere with my work and I would become more ill. I don't deal with people a lot; just a few mental health patients which works for me bc I understand what they are dealing with.

These were things I had to go back to school to obtain. Otherwise it was just taking those jobs that I knew I couldn't be healthy in. I knew I needed good hours and to be on my own a bit more.

Hope you can sort things out. Keep mood charting; I get worried about all of your extreme ups and downs.

Hugs,

Mogs

Ugh. I completely fell apart today and left cancelling all my plans without telling anyone. I still have to call my parents to tell them I won't be picking up my son tonight. :( What is with this anxiety? :( I feel like I need to have Klonopin on my person at all times.

My mood chart is showing that *something* is happening. I don't know what. Anyone care to translate?

http://www.medhelp.org/user_trackers/show/311129?go_to=timeline_slider&start_date=2010-07-14

Checked your mood tracker, but am not skilled enough to give you an evaluation. Very colorful, not in the horrible range, haven't been tracking meds, consistent anxiety this week. Is your menstrual cycle on there somewhere?

You're thinking and doing alot this week. Bound to be stressful and cause anxiety. What do you do about stress? You always have such good plans, but maybe your "how to deal with anxiety plan" eludes you at the moment. Did you write that plan down somewhere? Take some deep breaths, go outside for air if thats possible. Pet the dogs, rabbits. Abandoning your afternoon agenda is a good strategy for when you aren't feeling well. Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy.

I see you making great strides and progress as far as working. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Your son will probably have a ball staying with your parents, and vice versa. You planned an ungodly amt of driving for today. Maybe it felt like you'd never get there, long ride, thus contributing to the anxiety.

Don't minimize your progress. More than baby steps, doing well ! Wish you felt it.

Thinking of you,
Sandy

Maybe it is hormones

Post Edited (Trying to Understand) : 10/7/2010 6:28:27 PM (GMT-6)

Take the night off unless you want to vent.

Call the doc in the morning. You could call the pharmacist tonight?

P.S. Not stressing out about the job. I don't care either way. I won't be disappointed if I never hear back from them. I won't be freakin' excited if I get the job. OK, I will be, but I don't feel like I would be now.

Because I don't care, anxiety is gone. If I can work, I have $. If I can't work, I can apply for disability and have $. I can't work full-time and be away from home and my son that much. So $-wise, part time or disability is almost the same amount of money.

GOOD JOB FIGURING THAT OUT, AND RELIEVING YOURSELF OF THE STRESS OF IT ALL. YOU HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB GETTING IT LINED UP.

YESTERDAY, EVENING, YOU WERE FEELING PRETTY RUGGED. HOPE ITS BETTER, BUT WANT TO REMIND YOU THAT ITS FRIDAY, SHOULD YOU CALL THE DOC REGARDING YOUR UNCOMFORTABLE PHYSICAL FEELINGS? SEEMS TO BE OVER, JUST MAKING SURE.

MADE A DOG CART AND TAUGHT THE DOG TO CART ! YOU NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME. VERY GOOD IDEA, SOLUTION, TO GETTING OUT MORE WITH YOUR SON. BET HE WILL LOVE RIDING IN THE CART PULLED BY THE DOG. THIS MIGHT BE CUTE AT CHRISTMAS WHEN YOU GO THE NURSING HOME WITH THEM.

I have an interview on Tuesday night, after my Wild Edible Plants class. I won't have time to stress over it. I'm assuming I'll be offered the job. I get this cute little almost-hypomania and ALWAYS get hired on the spot, lol.

Elevated mood, yes. Abnormally elevated... not yet. I'm still OK, but I need to be careful this afternoon and not let myself do things that would let my mood get too high that it becomes a problem. I'm starting with forcing myself to eat lunch. I haven't eaten yet today. Then I'm going to use this good mood to my advantage and (hoepfully) finish a dog portrait that has been stressing me out for a month. Then some boring chores... and then I should be back to fine. The Seroquel XR should knock this down by tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning starts off with my bellydance class, so it will be OK. It's good mix of anxiety (that I can work through to gain confidence), exercise, and female community.

I'll keep posting. You guys tell me when I get too high and need to do something more about it.

You do sound chipper! :) Don't exhaust yourself and hopefully it will continue! I'm taking a break. I didn't do the portrait. Skipped to the housework. I think my fiance was a little peeved that it wasn't done and that I started a new project without finishing other stuff.

One project I have out is putting a new lining into his ancient (truly ancient) favorite blaze orange hunting hat. I'll sit down and baste everything in and put it out of sight. I can come back later when I really need to chill out and do the actual stitching. I am really careful with his stuff because he's a vet (read surgeon) and he always inspects my sewing and knots. Mostly out of curiosity. lol But when I get my thread tangled into a TINY tight knot, he can always get it undone for me. Crazy! (One of the silly reasons I love him.)