I've been going through a lot lately

I miss posting here. I've been so upset for so long and I let it's genetic get inside my head and make me want to give up posting here. But I don't want to. I need an outlet to share how I'm feeling because it's too much to hold inside me.

I received a phone call in the middle of the night (4:30am) from my brother who was filling out paperwork last minute and needed my address. He was extremely drunk. I think both of my brothers (at least one of them has to) also suffer from bipolar disorder, but they both drink so much it's impossible to tell.
He told me that he had just gotten back from a two week training course. He is in special forces in the Marines. He is going to Afghanistan very soon. He told me in his drunkenness that he wasn't going to tell anyone in my family but that he loved me so much that he wanted me to know.. apparently marines who 'room clear' (they are the first ones to go into an unsafe area/building and clear it) have a 96% casualty rate. When he told me that I started crying. I can't believe that the next few months might be my brother's last few months. I wish he had never joined the marines. He doesn't even like america.. he just didn't know what to do with his life. now he's probably going to die and I can't even afford to see him before he goes. I'm just devastated. I went to my psychiatrist last Friday and he adjusted my meds and I was feeling very good until two nights ago when I got this phonecall. Now it's all I can think about. Every time I let the thought of it wander into my conscious I just explode crying. My brother is the only person in my family that I love. I had a very hard childhood and I was basically abandoned by my father when I was 11. My brothers and I have been living in separate states since I was 13. I just wish I could go back to my childhood and grow up with my brothers again in a loving environment. I hate my family. I honestly am just dreading getting a phone call from one of my parents now that my brother is dead. I keep imagining it over and over. Me at his funeral. Me watching him get buried. Why did he choose to tell me this bad news? It's destroying me. I spoke to my therapist on Monday about it but it didn't make me feel any better. I don't think anyone knows how I feel right now but I just feel so terrible. If my brother dies, I'll probably die too.

Why doesn't life ever get any better?

OMG, when it rains, it pours ! What a difficult phone call to receive. My heart goes out to you.

But, you are letting your mind run away with you. I know its hard, but you can't go on imagining a funeral, etc. Visualize a stop sign, big and red, and yell at yourself STOP.

This is just a wild card, but if you call the Red Cross they might be able to arrange a way for you to see your brother before he is deployed. Don't get your hopes up. Just a call.

I am "estranged" from my younger brother and sister. Its hard, they live far away and we are living very different lifestyles. The past has marked us terribly, and in different ways. Its sad.

Thinking of you ...

Voix,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  That is a lot to carry, especially when you are your brother's sole confidante and you don't have the rest of your family to turn to.  I am glad you are posting here again - that is too much to have to keep to yourself.

Sun