Bipolar, 8 months pregnant and my husband kicked me out.

This is my first time seeking any sort of advice online from a public forum. I'll try and keep it brief, but will start with an intro of myself.

I am a 32 year old woman that was officially diagnosed as type II Bipolar in 2005. I was prescribed Lamictal by my psychiatrist and did very well on it until I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I had been dating the same person for about 5 months when I found out. I didn't find out about the pregnancy until I was 8 weeks along. I was advised to taper off the Lamictal and go completely off of it over a 2 week period. My biggest mistake was not going back to the psychiatrist. I didn't stay with my boyfriend after finding out. I had the most normal pregnancy a person could ask for. I had my son naturally in April of 2007. His father was very supportive after the birth, although a little "come and go" during the pregnancy. My son's father and family has always been very involved in his life, despite us not being together.

Prior to my son's birth, I had been to psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists off and on since I was 14 years old. I was hospitalized for drug us and depression at age 14. I lashed out as a teenager, ran away, didn't get along with my parents, etc. Some of those things are typical of teenagers in general, but I pushed my limits. My father was never involved in my life until I was 11, then "disappeared" when I was 15. I've talked to him only a handful of times since that age. The next several years are sort of a blur. I dropped out of college in my 3rd year, met a guy and got engaged. He left me with no explanation several months before our wedding. After that, it was binge drinking, recreational drug use, money and bankruptcy issues, casual sex, and what I later learned to be bouts of depression and mania...all in some twisted attempt to find myself and feel understood. Late in my 20's, I went back to school, got my degree and had my son.

Fast forward to present day. I met my husband a little over a year ago, moved in with him in January of this year, and got pregnant in March. We'd had a few spats throughout this time, but we were totally in love and planned to have our baby. I quit my job after finding out about the pregnancy because of risks associated with my field. A long list of obstacles were there for both of us to deal with. Melding a family (with my son), I moved an hour away from anyone I knew to be with him, first time I hadn't worked since a teenager, new baby due November 2010, shotgun wedding, being completely financially dependent on him, custody battle with my son's father, my husband learning to live with a child for the first time and giving up his bachelorhood, etc. A little background info on him...he had been married previously, and the story I get is that his ex wife was crazy and moved out within 2 months of the wedding. The divorce wasn't finalized for a year and a half. In late April there was a phone incident between my husband and his ex. Dirty pictures were texted and who knows exactly what took place on the phone. I found out about it through some sleuth work and have serious issues with trust since then. I believe there are unresolved issues for him with the failed marriage, but he says there's not. I have a hrd time believing that since he was still sleeping with her the summer before he met me and there was still some type of contact even after we started dating.

I believe I should have left at this point. But I was so in love with him and wanted to believe he'd never do anything to hurt me again. Months go by, the fights started getting worse, I spent many weekends an hour away at my mother's house. I tried as hard as I could to keep my 3 year old son out of the chaos. My husband has never laid a hand on me. But he yells. Very loud. And says hateful things. So since May of this year many things in the house have been broken, by both of us. My depression had gotten worse. My OB started me on Buspar then switched me to Prozac in the middle of my 2nd trimester. At 6 months, I started seeing a psychiatrist again and was started on Seroquel 50mg a day. Recently I've tried tapering off the Prozac. And that's when the crap really hit the fan. Now don't let me forget to include, my husband's reasoning for all of these fights since April, were because I continued to smoke cigarettes. I cut back, tried quitting a dozen times, and it heaved me into such a depression that I'd be in the fetal position on the floor crying for hours on end. He said that was the only issue but that I turned into 8 million other things. Well obviously there were 8 million other things bothering me. We tried marriage counseling, but he refused to go back after the 3rd visit. And I have yet to convince him to return. The fighting ceased for a while, when I was on the highest dose of the meds. My depression went away and I started feeling normal, until I starting trying to decrease the meds.

This should be a happy time in our life. Recently married and expecting a baby girl. But the depression has returned, and it's worse. I feel completely lost and sometimes like I just can't cope. I feel like I'm stuck in a marriage with a man that doesn't understand, and is in no way compassionate or sensitive. I cry for no reason, or for something that is trivial. Now I feel like his whole family is against me as well. I'm paranoid, scared, like I'm stuck in a dark hole alone that I can't pull myself out of. I've spent the majority of the past 2 weeks at my mother's house. Yesterday he told me to get out of the house. My baby is due in 5 weeks. I'm planning on transferring my medical records back to my hometown doctors and living with my mother. I'm not working, I have a 3 year old that I do get child support for but it's only enough to cover bills. Post partum depression scares me. I'm obviously not on the right meds. But my husband tells me I'm delusional and psychotic. And I feel like I'm at the point that I can't go back to his house. He yells at me when I cry, he says he tries to deal with me but my mood swings are chaotic and he just can't handle it anymore. I feel the end of my extremely short marriage is coming quickly.

Now I'm very sorry this was so long...I hope someone out there can offer some advice or support.

I sincerely doubt that anything you say is going to change his behavior.

Your description sounds like he is being verbally and absolutely emotionally abusive to you and your child. No matter what your behavior there is no excuse for this and his behavior appears to be focused on exerting control and power over you.

It may be that this is stuff left over from his first marriage or childhood. But that, in my opinion, is no excuse. It may be that you have very little perspective on your own behavior and you are indeed being very difficult to live with. But to act on that by being verbally, emotionally and financially abusive is not an appropriate solution.

I would contact your local battered women's shelter and talk to them. I would suggest you get pre-emptive and get a restraining order.

You have been through one custody battle over your first born. You don't want to go there again with your soon-to-be-born daughter without some evidence on your side of his abusive behavior. And your son's father could use the accusations and behavior of your husband to make allegations against you in a new custody battle.

I think you are correct that you need to work closely with your psychiatrist. You need a therapist. You need lots of people keeping lots of records documenting your state of mind and behavior should you need them. Not to mention the fact that you need the medical and therapeutic interventions ASAP.

If your son is not in preschool, I also suggest you consider finding one for him near your mother. You also need external evidence of his well-being and behavior and your mother's word is not going to count for anything. Make sure you list your husband as NOT having custody of your son and that he is NOT allowed to pick him up.

Best wishes.

Hi Bi (*grin*)

I come to the forum on occasion but rarely sign in (I just look and read).

Anyway, I read your post and just had to sign in to answer.

I am so sorry for your pain. I just want to say that it sounds as though your husband is "gas lighting" you. By this I mean that he is "twisting things around" so that all of the problems (whatever they are) are yours and you're to blame. I recognize this behavior quite well. He (hubby) sounds as though he has feelings he can't process (most likely about his own life, past, present and future) and you are just a convenient release valve. From the smoking issue (seriously, is this how *you* would behave towards a loved and smoking?) to the fact that he would not return to counseling. (3 sessions is actually a "key" number to counseling -- by the third session, a counselor is beginning to get a grasp on the true situation, despite what's being said by the parties.)

Look at it this way: if YOU were really the "real" problem, wouldn't he WANT to continue counseling so you can get help, thereby solving the "real" problem? I mean, he wants the "issues" resolved . . . doesn't he?

You, on the other hand, are willing to continue counseling -- despite the fact that "you" are the "problem" -- which speaks louder than words to me.

The truth is, he doesn't want the real problem uncovered because the "real" problem is most likely him (and his behavior to cover up the real problem). This is alcoholic/addict behavior (which doesn't necessarily mean *he's* an alcoholic or addict but may simply mean he handles his thoughts, feelings and communications through conditioned alcoholic/addictive behaviors -- perhaps his parents/primary caregivers are or were alcoholics/addicts during his formative years . . ?).

The ex-wife issues (his ex-wife) are also a red flag. Go and read his divorce papers (all of them. his *and* hers) and you will get a real reading on the situation they called "marriage." This will take an open mind, a willingness to "see," and a great deal of courage and fortitude on your part but you will be rewarded for seeking the truth (unfortunately, I can't tell you when the reward will come, only that it *will*).

Anyway, I just had to e-mail and say: get out while the getting is good. This type of gaslighting (refusal to acknowledge true problems) can leave you and your children horribly and permanently emotionally scarred. You can't fix HIM. Only HE can do that. Work on you. That's all you can do really. You've got enough on your plate (one and half kids plus you and every-day life). You don't need this extra-awful burden, do you?

Wish I was there so I could hug you, pat your belly, and take your 3 yr old for ice cream (you can come too, of course!). Please, please, please look for people who will support you in the manner in which you need support . . . friends, family, al-anon, counseling; whatever will get you through. Remember: your children need you happy, secure, and loving, more than any adult . . . and YOU need you too.

Best of luck to you in finding your way to happiness (we all struggle, every day -- don't let anyone try to tell you differently, as if there is something "wrong" with *you,* as if *they* are "fine" and *you* are the problem. That is a lie. Life is a struggle for everyone and blaming doesn't work for any of us).

Chin up, shoulders back, one foot in front of the other, head towards the light. We're all rooting for you! (I know *I* am!)

Luck, hugs and may good cheer find you,

GypsyBlue

PS sorry so long! i had more to say on the subject than initially planned!

Honey you need to get yourself to Al-Anon like yesterday. You recognize the signs of an alcoholic but you are making a ton of excuses for him.

I would have thought that your husband kicking you out of the house when you are 8 months pregnant was sufficient evidence that he is an abusive partner but I guess not. The fact that I named his behavior as abusive and you apparently felt compelled to defend him speaks volumes.

You may also find that many of your symptoms fit well under the diagnostic umbrella of Borderline Personality Disorder. Might be worth your time to check it out. I can't say - just some things you have shared make me think you should check it out.

Perhaps you are both abusive to the other. That doesn't make it OK. It just means you should seriously consider whether it is your children's best interests for you to continue to live together at this time.

bullygirlie said...
"What does everyone think about this?"

Please introduce yourself and start your own thread.  Thank you.