HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Help - my husband is in the middle of a manic break

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 10/31/2010 10:22 PM (GMT 0)
I hope that I can get some feedback from those who have been in my position. I am new.

I have been married for 12+ years to a wonderful man. Over the last two years, I have seen signs of what I now know is manic. I kept thinking he had trouble coping with stress and that is why he was irritable, angry, inflexible, difficult to talk to. I didnt think he was manic because he never seemed to have real lows.

Then over Labor Day weekend, something snapped. We had an argument over the weekend, and he just wasnt the same from there. He was totally different, very angry at me, mean to our children, wasnt coming home at normal times, obsessed with making money and getting new jobs. I got his family and friends involved and we have all agreed that he was not himself and was definitely breaking down. It got worse from there - he was getting rides home with strangers after drinking, he saw a ghost and had conversations with him, threatened to shoot my father's truck after he drove by one morning, etc.

Long story short - we brought him to the ER in hopes of getting him a psych eval. His behavior was aggressive so they ended up admitting him against his consent. He stayed five days in a hospital where he was diagnosed with BP. Since being discharged, he has stayed at his parents house. He has changed doctors and switched to little meds. He has definitely calmed down but I definitely still see signs of the mania.

Right now, he is so angry with me. He blames me for taking him to the ER where he was "incarcirated". He blames me for costing him his job. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. I saw a note in his car regarding a divorce lawyer. I talk to him very rarely and usually it is about the children. He tells me that I am the crazy one and I have made him crazy as a result. He is verbally abusive and hurtful.

This is not the man I married. I saw no signs of this (and his family agrees) until two years ago. My question is - when will he come down??? Will he come home ever? Will he realize what has happened when he does come down or will he still hate me for all the stuff he is accusing me of??? I dont know the real status of his meds. His original doctor had him on some strong combination for about three weeks, but then he switched docs. The new doctor supposedly has him only on a sleeping med, but that doesnt make sense either.  I am looking for some feedback. I am desparate.

Thanks for all the help. I love my husband so much - I hate what this is doing to my family, especially the children.

Posted 10/31/2010 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, dear, what a sad story. Welcome. You have come to the right place to vent, and get some advice.

First, let me stress you have done absolutely everything you could do. You were entirely correct in getting him to the ER. For his safety and everyone else too. That your family and friends were in on the intervention should tell you that it was necessary. Took a lot of guts for you to do that.

Unfortunately, he didn't stay with the program, meds, doc, and switched to someone he could hoodwink into thinking he was really okay. Probably just told the doc he has trouble sleeping, not that he is awake day and night with mania. The feeling he probably has, if I could only get some sleep, I know I'm fine otherwise.

Sounds like he is in total denial, blaming you, saying you are the crazy one, and is dishing out abuse. You are a very loving and kind woman to still want to put up with him and get him better.
As far as I know, you can't make him do anything. He has to screw up big time and get in serious trouble if he is unwilling to accept anyone elses help. Then he'll be forced into treatment. The hard way to go.

Just a wild idea, can you go the his doc, making an appt for yourself, then tell the doc what you are going thru. First, you need help yourself coping with this, and second, the doc can't talk to you about your husband's condition unless your husband signs a release. In fact, once my daughter called the doc to "report" me, and he wouldn't even return her call since that would be admitting that I was under psychiatric care. Then he asked me about it when I came in next time. A little late, since the report was that I was doing real bad. Coulda been in a gutter somewhere and never showed back up at his office.

I think this would accomplish your goal. The doc would have knowledge of what is going on, and more insight when he sees your husband. Not that he can force him to come in for a appt, but he could refuse to refill his prescriptions until he comes in for evaluation. And you could get some help yourself. Or not, just a suggestion of what might work.

When will he come down? Hard to tell, not for awhile if he is not medicated, and drinking on top of it. Some BP people drink as a form of self-medication to help them cope with and forget the current mess they're in. Will he ever come home? Maybe he'll get real lonely, his mania will turn to depression, homesick, drop his armor for a time. There's no set time-line.

As for the divorce papers, ai yi yi. Know you don't want this, and maybe should contact legal aid/barr assoc. for a free consultation with a lawyer about it. He can give you the best advice of what to do, and you will need representation either way. The legal aide, or maybe I mean the bar assoc, give you up to 3 lawyers that you can set an appt with for free, or a low fee. Ten yrs ago it was $35 or free. Say, I thought you offered free consultations? You could try 3 and compare notes. Its wise to shop these guys out, even on someone elses recommendation, your needs could be a lot different than theirs were.

As for the kids, you could place a call to their teachers if in grade school and ask if everything is okaty with them in school. It might be good for all of you to go to family counselling and talk about whats happening with Daddy.

You're so empathetic, and such a rock.
Hope this helps a little. Always, take whatever advice seems good to you, and know we are not professionals. More like warhorses.

Keep posting, people are here for you.
Posted 11/1/2010 8:37 AM (GMT 0)
LoveMyHusband,

I literally cried when reading your post. I've been in similar shoes. My husband was finally diagnosed with BP last year after several years of hell-literally. Sandy has great advice! And I agree somehow getting with the doctor could help tremendously! I can't answer all your questions, as no two people are the same, but I can give you some HOPE. My husband and I are still married....been through some rough, rough times with this cursed disorder, but still here. I, like you, had to take my husband to the ER and watch as they "incarcerated" him....it was painfully horrible to see that happen to him. He was not happy with me; He has since thanked me. Over time, we have learned to communicate and I have set boundaries. I have learned his "triggers" and "cues" as to where he is mentally. I am not going to lie, it's still a daily battle....even with him on meds. Right now we are changing from Lithium and 15mg Abilify to Lamical (?? Sp) and upping the Abilify to 20mg. He just can't seem to get out of his depression. So the last month has been a struggle....he's been ugly and grumpy and even had one short (thank God) manic bout where I had to call the doc, but I KNOW this.....for as aggravated as I can become and as weary as I can get, it's 100x's worse for HIM. He "just wants to be normal"....and I have made it my mission to help him find that "normal". That said, I have set my boundaries and they are not to be crossed. That's to protect my heart and my children! You have to take care of yourself too!!! We have set "key words" to dissolve situations without them escalating and I've learned how to calm him. It sucks seeing someone you love hurt, and bipolar is a deep, dark pain. I asked him one day what "it" felt like (on a "bad" day).....he asked me "are there things everyday you are excited about; are there places you're excited to go? When you think about Christmas or your birthday are you excited? Do you like the feeling of riding around with the top down and look forward to pretty days? Do you just feel happy?"
Of course, I answered "yes"....and he bluntly said, "my world has no pretty days. Nothing exciting or fun. I feel numb."

Hopefully your hubby sees he needs help. He needs to want HIS life back in control. Until HE sees this, there is not much you can do except take care of yourself and the children. Maybe a good therapist? Mine has been instrumental in helping us figure this whole thing out. And I can tell her things I can't approach him with-I can vent to her and not set off a trigger with him. Bipolar is most difficult on the person who lives with it 24/7....but it also affects those closest, spouse, children, etc. YOU need a network of support. And hopefully he will see he does as well. And just know, there IS hope. There IS life after a BP diagnosis and there IS marriage and intimacy after as well. I do hope he will get the proper help/meds from the proper doctor(s) and start the road to stability........and realize you are willing to naviate this thing called Bipolar alongside him! Best if luck!
Posted 11/1/2010 12:04 PM (GMT 0)
That was a great post, Happy Flower. Especially like it that, "I have learned his "triggers" and "cues" as to where he is mentally"
Posted 11/1/2010 4:45 PM (GMT 0)
I really appreciate the advice. I am seeing a therapist independent of my husband to help deal with all of this. My husband goes back to his doctor this week so I am praying for SOMETHING - med change, the doctor encouraging him to start transitioning to move back home, something in a positive direction. I really struggle because even in his mania where he is mean and hateful, I keep trying to be loving and patient and to not make him angry. I want him to feel like he has a place to come back to once he finally comes down. Will he come down eventually even if they dont seem to find the right drug cocktail??

I am petrified of the upcoming holidays. I am considering asking him to really think about transitioning home in time for Thanksgiving. I know he doesnt want me to push him, but i think he is forgetting how hard that will be for the children if he is still not home. My ten year old child is becoming quite angry with him, and I fear the longer he stays away, the more damage it will inflict. I dont tell him that because I dont want to hurt him (I know he cant help it).

This is really a nightmare.
Posted 12/10/2010 10:48 AM (GMT 0)
Lovemyhusband,
My heart goes out to you because though my situation isn't at the point yours has been, I can see it easily taking that route if something isn't done soon for my situation. I am married to a BP man as well and have now dealt with a few years of his disorder without ever knowing what I was dealing with. It has caused serious marriage problems and is now affecting our sweet two year old daughter. You're definitely not alone in feeling like life is a nightmare.


Happyflower,
Your words have offered me hope as well as a lot of insight. Thank you so much for sharing so readily and having such great suggestions of how to deal with things.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply