Don't know where to say this...

You guys are the only people that would understand/appreciate my little happy news.

I applied for disability benefits - I had not been able to work for over a year.  The application form was so hard to fill out.  It's one thing to know I can't function.  It's something else to put it in writing and tell people about it!

I knew it is unlikely to get disability for mental illness.  I never entertained the thought that I would be approved.  It was a kind of closure for me - close this door, forget about it and move on.

Today I got a phone call - I was approved.  Gee, thanks.  You're really screwed up - here's some money.  lol

I'm really happy.  I just started working in a very part-time basis.  It looks like I'll make less than $500/month.  I have to figure out how to report that now.  :/

I think it's under $1,000/month, I'm not remotely close to that and don't think I ever would be.

I worked a little every day last week and started having mild mood symptoms. The weekend was stressful, this news today is not helping. Racing thoughts... Bad things...

I reported working today. I am well below the cut-off for working. I'm having a hardtime - emotionally - processing this information. Switching from 'Hell yeah! I deserve this." to "Am I playing the system?" Plus I've been cautious with the use of my Service Dog in public since my evidence for disability was a little shaky. I took her out for training. She did her job perfectly. She has added and in car alert for when I'm driving. It's cool that she picks up on anxiety, etc., before I'm aware. She alerts me and I'm like "Hey! I'm having anxiety (or whatever) and can do something about it before it's too late.

I hope this processing stuff is over before it rolls into mood problems. Calling my pdoc and tp tomorrow.

I am so happy for you.......

hugs, Caren

Thanks for the kind words. I spent most of the day yesterday in bed. I'd do something and then be so exhausted emotionally and physically and have to lie down.

My fiance was frustrated with me because he didn't know what was going on. I told him that I'm working too much. (He is my boss, but I set my own schedule.) I told him what was going on, that I was going to call my pdoc, etc. At noon, instead of eating lunch, I laid down. After work, I pulled the shades and laid down to cry. When my fiance came in he gave me a hug (an unusual but very appreciated display of support) and asked what was wrong. It is his birthday and I had lost his card, forgot to finish cleaning the kitchen, hadn't gone shopping for dinner, didn't have anything to bake a cake.... He gave me a hug and a kiss and went outside to play with the dogs and do yard work. I recovered to help out in the yard, be normal for few hours. Found his birthday card. :)

I'm going to try to relax this weekend. On Monday I can decide if I can work a little 5 days a week, or if I can only work 4 days.

It feels like a kick-you-when-you're-down kind of thing. First the government decides that I'm unable to perform substantial, then a very definite "heck no!" from my body/mind when I do try to work.

I'm dealing with the label "disabled." I've used it before, gotten disability accommodations, been using a service dogs.

But somehow this is hitting me hard.