Good Afternoon. I am new both here and to bipolar. Ok, let me rephrase....newly diagnosed. I am a mother of 13 year old stepson, 10 year old daughter from previous marriage , and 5 yr old from this my 2nd marriage of 6 1/2 yrs. i have always been known as overly sensitive, extremely moody, and do have a history of periodic loss of logic. Let me start with the recent problem that brought my bipolar diagnosis. It started actually with a melanoma diagnosis which literally scared me something horrible. Once it was removed, and then back in again and more removed.... I was told all was removed, but what I apparently
heard as I was terminal. Unfortunately, that was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. I became very very depressed. This was 9/2010. I saw my primary care and had been on wellbutrin xl 300mg for years. He recommended I try Celexa to aid with my depression. By October, I had become manic. I spent MASSIVE amounts of money...on newly acquired credit in both mine and my husbands name. My thought was to give my kids and husband a wonderful Christmas since I was most certain to have been defeated by melanoma by the next one. All this time, I was trying to talk to my husband, but what I read from him was that he did not care I had Melanoma and was depressed. Once the holidays came and went I could no longer keep my excessive spending and honestly, I don't even remember buying most of it . This began to cause huge problems for my marriage as we do not have the money for extra bills like I created. My sensitivity brought me to tears with the least voice raising (I call it screaming..lol). I felt so alone. I up and quit taking all my meds ...don't ask me why. wellbutrin, celxa, and nadolol for migraines. So I then began searching for....just someone to make me feel good. Lets just say obviously that was a bad idea. I did meet a few people for "fun" all while calling out of work. This was not fun but made me feel worse. I eventually made up huge stories....different to both my employer and my husband. Traveling on money we didn't have for supposed businees seminar trips...and sad thing is most of these trips I spent them in a hotel room crying. At that point I was having such horrible suicidal thoughts...All of this came to a head only after my employer actually went out of the way to call because I would not return the fmla form to keep my medical insurance and job. I had created a huge mess of lies, spending, breaking things, horrible anger and agitation, and crying. After being called out, I finally broke down and let it all out to my husband who immediately called my pcp and a therapist. I was told I have rapid cycling and possibly some BPD tendancies as well. It is now 7 wekks since restarting the wellbutrin and lamictal (I am now to 200 mg after slow titration up). I do feel better. We are to the point though financially that my husband has made it clear I MUST feel better in the next week or so and return to work. I just made it up to 200 mgs on the lamictal and still had a angry outburst just yesterday with my husband. I am getting a little less short with the kids and memorial day I left my house for the first time in 10 days. I did not even walk out to get the mail. I am actually terified to go back to work and I do not really know why. I am embarrased for one. And honestly, the job I do is very public oriented...lots of phone and facetime with often VERY angry people. I have joked for years what I'd like to say to some of the people I have to deal with at work and quite frankly I am worried I might actually say all those things if I go back. And I just can't see why I feel better and happy ...Monday my husband said I was annoyingly over the top happy and perky. And then Tuesday morning I was screaming and incessantly calling my husband crying over my screaming. I know I have rambled on, but I am very good at that. I figured I would throw out my info on the table up front (and rest assured it was described mildly unfortunately. I am so afraid. Maybe I might do something REALLY stupid and go through with some of my thoughts. They have quit running so constant through my mind but still going back and forth. I am here because I have been reading you for the last several weeks and am certain other people can identify with my fears, worries, and joys. If you have made it this far, thank you for your pateince. I hope there is someone here that can tell me this does get better and I will feel normal one day...whatever that is.