upsetting morning

Hello everyone!

First i hope everyone had a great weekend.  Mine was pretty eventful.  Attended a few graduation parties on friday and saturday.  Then on Sunday i had a great time at a BBQ.  So sunday night i went to walmart and walked around a bit.  I still have a little anxiety when i think about having to go home.  So i walked around a bit until i got tired, bought a few things and headed home.  Finally went to sleep around 2am which is REALLY late for me.  So far so good right?  Well this morning i guess i was dreaming and about to wake up.  For some reason, I felt that my husband was holding me and spooning like we always did.  So i nuzzled back, like i always did.  Then as im waking up i realize...wait...am i dreaming?  SO i jump up and turn around and i half expect to see him there.  Of course, he isnt.  And i realize it was "just a dream."  So why did i start crying?  I just laid there and cried.  I had that terrible feeling in my chest all over again.  :( I was doing so well, but now im feeling like I took a HUGE step backwards.  I have not spoken or txt him since i gave him his belongings.   I hate sitting here at work, knowing i have plenty to do, but i just cant get rid of the feeling.  The comfort i always felt when he held me.  For a split second, i felt his arms holding me and feeling secure...and then it was gone. And i am trying to do all i can to not cry....

It happens. I haven't started dreaming about my wife, yet. But I have occasionally dreamed about my ex-wife. about the good times, etc. We were very young (early 20's), she used me (admitted it to me) and left me. Wonderful dreams and reveling in the glow until I remember I hate her.

It is part of the grieving process. The brain wants a break so it relives "good times". Bear in mind, that you never remember most of your dreams. Since you probably went to sleep so late and woke up, you were probably in REM and normally wouldn't have remembered (especially when medicated). It happens.

You know what keeps me going? I know that I can find someone else to instill those feelings again. In a way it's kind of exciting starting over. It's all about your attitude. Always think about how you can turn that frown, upside down!

You are doing the right things by getting out. Much better than me, at the moment. Funny how we always give great advice, but rarely take our own.

You need to do whatever you normally do to keep your mind off stuff. For me, it's de-cluttering and cleaning and since my wife left, I have a lifetime's worth to keep me busy.

Hang in there.

Post Edited (ebonyknight) : 6/6/2011 1:03:45 PM (GMT-6)

ang77 said...
Thanks Ebony,
I really needed to hear that. It helps so much knowing someone has gone through this and come out OK. I havent started to think about starting over..just yet. I was enjoying the solitude. You know, ive been thinking. As you know, i have been reconnecting spiritually. Maybe it was God's way of letting me know i wasnt alone. Ive decluttered my house so much it looks too empty :/. BUT been enjoying the "free space" for my excercising and relaxing. Im hanging in there...still taking it one day at a time. Its good to know, that i wont always feel this way....Thanks for the Support!!
BTW..how are things with you?

Angie

I hear you. I like the solitude as well, but I don't know how to appreciate it. I don't know if that makes sense. I have few friends and even less family, so I am very isolated. That's why I am going to counseling, for me. I need to learn how to live in my own skin and like it before, I try another go. I settled for what I thought I could get and not what I wanted, and paid the price. So again, you've got the right attitude. Just look at it this way. Your human and you are still feeling. When you stop, that's when it's really bad. In my in between period, I was numb for a short while and it shuts you down, completely. I almost lost it all, but I still had family and friends then to help me and came back.

Fortunately, I am more mature, wiser and older now. After all, I chose to end the pain and not continue to let her abuse me. You did the same, even if the circumstances were different.

You'll be fine. You take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

Question: Do you want HIM to be holding you? Or do you want to be held in that way?

During/after my divorce I had moment like that. Except I didn't want HIM. So I turned it into a happy daydream about someday and someone. Hugged my pillow a few times too. :)

Let yourself cry. Let yourself grieve. But don't let yourself get sucked into a depression.

(((hugs)))

Hello everyone,

Thank you for all the support.  Ive had alot happen in the last couple of days.  My cousin succombed to cancer on Monday and we all went into Overdrive.  Had to pull money together to get my mother to Florida, last minute.  Made a drive to Houston (got lost), but we got my mother there in the nick of time!  Then my sister were stuck in Houston traffic for 3 hours trying to get home.  A 6hr drive turned into almost 10.  Along the way, we were caring for our 21yr old Chihuahua.  He was pretty weak for a few days but we had no one to watch him, so we decided to bring him along.  My mother made this decision, because she knew it was going to be the last time she would see him.  He was OK on the way to Houston, but as soon as we started the trip back, he got very bad.  He held on until we got home, and at exactly midnight, he passed away.  He gave us 21 years.  He was a member of the family.  For those of you with pets..i know you understand.  He was very dear to us.  So i had to tell my mother and father last night that he had passed.  Very difficult.  I am getting by.  Its been a trying few days, but i know it will not last forever.  Luckily my work provides a decent distraction.  Also dealing with some things at work...but then again..who isnt?  The trials and tribulations of life....(sigh).  Im waiting for the good times to come back into my life.  Lord hear my prayer.  Hope everyone is having a better week. 

one of my favorite quotes:

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." Henry David Thoreau

You're in a rough spot, but you'll get through it and love again. <3