HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

So Lost...

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 7/22/2011 8:15 AM (GMT 0)
My husband had few breakdowns recently after opening a new business and dealing with overwhelming amounts of stress. He is 37 and I am 38. He hates his business partner and has complained about not being able to work with him for over a year now. But because we had so much family money invested, he kept on... until one day he tried to beat him up but when his business partner ran, he came home instead. He broke down crying and screaming... I found out later he had been drinking heavily every day possibly all day for over 6 months now. He said he did it to cope with the stress. I caught him lying over little things including drinking. His partner said he couldn't trust him either and said he didn't want him coming back to the business. So after the third breakdown, after he ranted about killing himself, his cousin helped me check my husband into the hospital. BTW, he had been seeing a therapist a few times by now which I helped him find one after the first few breakdowns. The day after his fourth breakdown, his therapist advised that I check him in. So I did... During this time it had been sooooo hard. I cried all the time and I wanted to be there for him but he was so scary during those times... so full of anger and self hatred. I couldn't even talk to him sometimes. But I tried my best...

The hospital let him out the same day. They had him sign up for a day program - which is full time for 2 weeks.

They diagnosed him bipolar and gave him some meds (Lamictal?) or something like that. He started on his schedule and seemed to be doing ok with his day programs. He started manic cycling again recently but he had some good news that justified his good moods so I tried not to let it be a red flag.

During the last month of all this, he had also been diagnosed with diabetes 2 caused by his drinking. He has stopped drinking since... so he says.

Back tracking a little back to when he first got released from the hospital... before staring his day program... the ER people gave him Lorezapam. I HATED seeing him on that med. It made him a zombie, making him slur his words and stumble allot. It wasn't him in there... he was empty. On the fourth day of being on the Lorezapam and before starting his bipolar meds, he went into a Diabetic Shock while we were on our way to a wedding. Yes, we probably should not have tried to go to a wedding but she was my highschool BFF and it was important for me. I thought maybe we could go even for a couple of hours... I was wrong. He tried to jump out of the car, slurring and ranting like a mad man. He peed on the road and dumped trash out the window - all sorts of erratic behavior that was uncharacteristic. He blacked out shortly after that and didn't remember anything he had done. I took him to our aunt's house that was the closest to where we were (out of town) and his aunt helped me get his blood sugar back to normal. He cried and broke down repeatedly and made no sense until about 5 hours later.

Ok back to today... I've been going through sooo much with him. We had been together 13 years now... and our anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks - we will have been married 7 years.

I loved him sooooo much... but this past year has been soooo hard that my love has been constantly tested. We were fighting allot for this past year now and allot had to do with him coming home late, drinking and getting a DUI.

Backtrack one more time - sorry - it's all flashing through my mind while I type and cry...

He started his bipolar meds and he had to up the dosage after the first week. He took a bath while I was gone (someone from his group said it was a good idea) and when I came home, he was loopy again. I didn't realize it was a combination of the higher dosage and the bath, but it made me flash back to when he was drinking and lying about it. I was very suspicious but I let him be and go to bed. Then I saw someone from his work text him and something made me take a look at his texts. He had texted someone - while I was home - saying something along the lines of "missing you... missing your touch. cum to me." Sorry, he doesn't talk dirty to me so this took me by surprise and I was shocked that I saw this. I woke him and up asked him who this was. It just said a number and not a name. He said he didn't know... he seemed confused and didn't know who it was. We talked and talked and we finally wondered "together" if he was trying to text me cuz he did say he was missing me. I was downstairs and still kinda upset he was loopy while he was upstairs texting? I dunno... I'm suspicious but I try to believe him. And the more I thought about it, he had never cheated on me nor gave me reason to... so I believed him.

Today, we fight again but this time I found money in his wallet. He had not gone back to work since his "incident" with his business partner and has not made any money. He had over $200 in there in cash and I asked him about it and he started getting upset with me. He started yelling "this is my money, I have a right to have money" blah blah blah... Sorry, I do all the billing in our household so I know when it's not our money. I just know if you have over $200 in your wallet, and I don't know about that, that can't be a good thing. I told him I have a right to be suspicious about this and I need to know what's going on. He told me who it's from (another business associate) but continued to get upset with me and yelling - "I'm done!!! I'm done with you and done with this. F-you and F- all this. You are part of my problem, you are so weird (he's called me psycho before)." He said "F- you" repeatedly and then even said "you can't even have kids anyways!" This part hurt me allot... we have been together many years but have not been able to have kids yet. He continued with other hurtful things... and just kept yelling. I called his mom who is ALSO BI-POLAR and cried to her. He was ranting the whole time and she could hear how horrible he was being...

He packed up all his stuff and left. This is the second time he's left in the past 3 months. We have fought so much and I have cried so much. But I love him so much. Do I have low self esteem and is that why I keep taking him back? Or am I not being sensitive enough to his disease? Sometimes I don't know where it's disease and where it's just f'ed up attitude and if I am in an abusive relationship and I don't even know it? I shouldn't fear "triggering" him on a daily basis?

He hasn't really made allot of money in his business venture that he has been at for last two years. I have been supporting us for the last three years since he had lost his job. He has told me that he feels inadequate with me and I feel bad that he feels that way. Tonight he was being plain mean - mocking my voice and saying he was only with me because of guilt from the beginning (He fell asleep while driving my car and I was in the passenger seat. We were fine but the car was badly damaged. We could've been killed but we were ok and he felt horrible about it).

I'm so lost I don't know what to do... Sometimes I don't know if I'm hanging onto something that I shouldn't or if I'm not fighting hard enough.

Sorry I had to write so much... I just had to vent a little.
Posted 7/22/2011 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, Cali415, welcome to the forum and keep posting as you feel the need. Your husband has a number of things going on, as you already know so well.

It's most important that he see a psychiatrist and get on proper medication for bipolar illness. He also needs to see an endocrinologist about proper treatment for diabetes, and he should also be in touch with alcoholics anonymous if he has been unable to sustain a total abstinence from alcohol.

But first things first: try to persuade him to go in to see a psychiatrist
with you. The hospital, frankly, didn't really keep him long enough
to make sure that he was functioning reasonably well to be out of
a room there. Maybe your psychiatrist will take charge and make certain requests of the hospital for your husband's benefit.

His diabetes must be brought under control right away, too. There are certain things he must accept about that illness: that it's incurable
(in most cases), that he must follow a somewhat stringent diet, and that he must give up alcohol.

Actually, alcohol may be at the root of all the problems, frankly. It is
known that caffeine and alcohol make bipolar illness (or any illness)
worse. He should not use either of them. He needs to take his medications, get his rest, and avoid alcohol and caffeine if he wants to get better. That's a tall order for a man who is functioning on the level of a two-year-old. Some maturity has to be brought to his mind to make him realize that he alone is responsible for what's happening to him. Alcoholics tend to blame everyone but themselves for their problems. (Alcoholics Anonymous is the best program to help arrest the drinking problem and bring him to his senses.)

There is medication that will help curb the desire to drink. His psychiatrist may be able to prescribe that, as well as the appropriate medication for the bipolar episode he is in.

Now, about you. You are a victim in this, Cali415, and you need to get psychiatric help for the post traumatic stress syndrome that you must be suffering. You may need to be on medication for it. Secondly, you need to consider that it may be essential for you to leave the situation you're in for your own mental and physical health. I would begin to make some plans for the time when it's no longer bearable, particularly if he refuses help. You seem so conscientious; you do not want to develop into an enabler for him to continue with this behavior.
Besides that, you need and deserve a healthy life of your own.

Please take all the steps you need to secure your own safety and try
one last time to get him in to see a psychiatrist who will take charge and direct his care. He really needs to be hospitalized, in my view, and treated for all three major conditions that he has.

Take care of yourself first now, Cali 415.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 7/22/2011 7:51:13 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/22/2011 1:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Cali415,

I am not bipolar but I read your post and I feel so bad for you. I think your husband needs to face his alcohol problems and get that out of the way before he is going to feel better. He may be drinking and you don't know about it. It sounds like he has kept many secrets. And you have been supporting him. I don't think you are asking too much out of the relationship. He needs to show you some respect.

I hope that you get this sorted out. There will be others on with more experience with bipolar than I have. I am a depression mod, if you ever feel the need to post there, you are welcome to. I feel that you need some sort of support right now. Have you thought about going to a counselor? Tell them what you told us and see what they say. I don't think you are being treated right. That is just my opinion.

Oh, and welcome to the bipolar forum. I hope that you find the answers that you are looking for.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/22/2011 6:45 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much "It's Genetic" and "Karen." It means so much to me. I haven't been able to tell anyone except for his parents what I am going through. If my mom knew what I was going through, she would probably tell me to leave him...

Yes I suspect here and there if he had been drinking. I ask him but he says he hadn't. But I did catch him lying before... so I don't know now if he is telling me the truth. I think bottom line is... I don't trust him anymore.

He had been seeing a psychiatrist during his day program he was in full time. He had "graduated" yesterday and was supposed to be going part time now. His psychiatrist was the one who diagnosed him as bi-polar and put him on meds.

I have personally faced depression before and I know what it's like to grow up with an alcoholic step father. I even told my husband that often I feel like I'm back in the same situation about his alcoholism. Then he gets of course very offended and mad at me for comparing him to my stepdad.

I think you are right.... I need to let him go but I haven't been able to. I don't know how to begin... I've been with him for 13 years.

Thank you all again for your support. I so need this forum right now.
Posted 7/22/2011 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
Come back as often as you need you feel to talk about it. We're
all here for you.

It's Genetic
Posted 7/22/2011 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you... "It's Genetic"

I am so lost right now still. I haven't left the house, haven't really slept. He did not go to his day program today... I called him to see and he was staying at a friend's house. We were both supposed to have a session with his doctor today... He said his phone was dying and that he still loved me. At this time, I don't know if I can just accept that as enough. He hasn't even said "sorry" yet for all the things he said while he was lashing out. Should I not expect an apology? Maybe that's where I am wrong... I still expect to be able to deal with this with traditional ways of courtesy and communication. But I realize that he is no longer capable of that when he is experiencing his manic or rage.

I have not been able to get a hold of him last couple of hours. Maybe his phone really did die. And I have called his friend he is staying with, a couple of times, but he didn't return my call.

I've been sitting here watching as many inspirational videos as possible... even ones with marriage counseling. I feel like if take him back out of love and faith, this is what God would want me to do... (Been on search for spirituality so I'm not quite religious but I do believe there is a higher force at work here). But on other hand, if I take him back perhaps I would be a fool and be hurt like this over and over again.

Is real love supposed to be about being able to take the abuse? Am I twisted the way I am thinking here? Our relationship was not like this for the first 12 years. We fought but we loved each other dearly. This past year has been so different and so crazy... when I realize he may not be the same person anymore... am I losing hope? Am I lacking patience or am I lacking self confidence?

Society tells me I should leave him. Spirituality tells me I need to be patient. I wish I knew what my heart was telling me... all I know is that I am hurting.
Posted 7/23/2011 12:38 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe if you took a break for awhile and see what happens. You might get a different perspective of things if you do. His friend could of answered the phone or called you back. This sounds fishy to me. But that is my perspective. It really sounds like he isn't trying enough. He could of made the meetings today like he was suppose to.

And taking abuse isn't about love. It is how you care about yourself. You don't deserve it. You shouldn't be taking it. You are probably lacking self confidence because you have gradually come to accept this way of being. Being a door mat is hard work. That is what I was told once. It takes a lot out of you.

I hope that things go better for you. You deserve to be treated in a much better fashion. You are a good person, always remember that.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/23/2011 6:24 AM (GMT 0)
Cali415,

WoW, that was a lot to tell and explain. I am so terribly sorry that you are going thru all of this, it must be so stressful and walking on eggshells. Your husband really needs help. And none of this is caused be you at all. Pleez know that the hurtful words he says is a form of verbal & emotional abuse. I think you need to maybe not live under the same roof until he gets help and is truly working on himself. But I would also recommend if you want it to work out then I suggest that you both see a marriage therapist.

I am saying prayers for you and you will be in my thoughts. Your post just really touched me. I send you hugz and smiles...I only wish the best for you and for your husband and I hope he can find the right combination of medications and therapy.

Pleez make sure you are safe and have support from your family and close friendz. I am so glad that you have a job and can support yourself that definitely is important to have. If you ever want to chat you can email me. Its on the members profile, just click on my name and it will take you to my profile.

Your Healingwell Friend,

Serenitee

Bipolar 2, Borderline, Anxiety/Panic Disorder,

Posted 7/23/2011 12:38 PM (GMT 0)
Real love is about two people who stand independently but share their
thoughts, feelings, and emotional passion with each other.

You are quite right to put spirituality first in your life; that's what helps you stand alone and strong, but gives you the patience you talk about and respect for yourself and others.

Your husband is woefully lacking in that right now; he needs help. Hopefully, he will see that alcohol may be destroying his independence and livelihood and, most importantly, his family. Please try once more
to get him in to see a psychiatrist.

Barring that, you need to plan ahead for your life, Cali 415.

Take care of yourself first now.

Keep posting as you wish; you need to get all of this out of your system.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 7/23/2011 6:54:32 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/27/2011 2:03 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

I just wanted to check in and tell everyone I am ok. He came home the next day and we talked and talked. He cried in my arms and made affirmations that he will really try. We met with his parents the next day and talked more and spent some quality time. Today, we saw his psychologist together (he also has a psychiatrist and a therapist) and we communicated even more. We have been making healthy progress. Yes, it can all go down the drain any day - I know but I have decided to try harder to help him through this. He apologized for all of the ugly things he said (he was never verbally abusive before, this was a new side of him) and promised he would never walk out in rage again. I am aware that promises can be broken and that we have to go day by day... but he was there for me once when I was going through my depression, so this time I will try to be there for him. If it gets ugly again, maybe I will think differently... but for now... for today, I will recommit to being the supportive partner and the loving wife I need to be.

On the alcohol issue - he has had two drinks (beer) that I am aware of since he has been "getting help." He has fallen off the wagon those two times and we had long talks about it. He could very well be sneaking drinks when I'm not looking but we are together most of the time, so I do believe I would notice if he acted weird. I ran into his friend he stayed the night with when he left the other night. I asked him why he didn't call me back, and we realized I had his old number. Yes when I called and left a voicemail, all I heard was a beep - no intro. So I guess I did call the old number...

Anyways, I will check back to this site as often as possible. I realized that he wasn't the only one in denial of his condition. I was too... Now I am trying to be more aware of his condition and paying more attention to him taking his meds and seeing his doctors. I am trying to be more involved and more educated.

I appreciate everyone's support - especially when I was shaken by the whole experience and feeling alone... thank you again for being voice of encouragement and also voice of caution (wisdom).
Posted 7/27/2011 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Cali, I'm so glad he has the professional help he needs. That means he will be willing to take the appropriate medications, too.
Peter of United Kingdom has said it well when he suggests that he
is bipolar but recognizes that he must have respect for himself and others and that he must be responsible to himself and others. That's
the whole solution in a nutshell, frankly . Expect that from your
husband; the likelihood that you will receive that is much, much greater now that he is seeing two counselors and being medicated properly.

I hope this is the rainbow you've looked for. It certainly sounds as if it might be.

Take care of yourself. We're here for you. Thanks for keeping us
posted.

It's Genetic
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply