Should I just let my wife go?

Based on current events, I believe my wife has bi-polar disorder, BPD, or maybe both. Her Mom has both. I don't know what to do as her husband...

about a year ago my wife was hospitalized for suicidal tendencies. The on-call psychiatrists wouldn't let me see her for 3 days. I still really have no clue what was discussed. They released her after 10 days, I was hoping for a break through, but things were still very "walking on egg shells."

She went to outpatient follow up care, but she would never tell me about it. She was diagnosed with OCD when she was 15 or so, and I thought she was dealing with some anxiety and post-partum depression. A month after her hospitalization she left me the most beautiful card. She thanked me for all my sacrifices as a Dad/Husband and couldn't wait for the next 9 years, as it was our 9 year anniversary.

Then a month later she took off with our three kids to her brother's house in the neighboring state. She said that the relationship was giving her too much stress and anxiety and she needed the summer off. She did this the summer before and came home in tears regretting she left, so I figured that would happen again.

Then in July she told me she needed to be free, that she hated me, that I never loved her, I picked her as second best, etc. I was crushed because there was no chance of reconciliation, etc. She also filed for a restraining order, and then rescinded it. I tried to do everything I could to improve myself, and give her the space she wanted.

I didn't really believe she wanted divorce because I asked her when she was going to file and she didn't answer. I also asked her what she wanted to do with her wedding ring and she took it and put it on a necklace. Between August and November I continued to give her space, I started P90x and lost 30lbs. and even got a better paying job. I thought for sure we could at least speak again.

Then in November she filed for divorce. She insisted that I ruined her life, wouldn't talk to me, let me have the kids on Thanksgiving/Christmas and was hell-bent on me taking them more than the school breaks. She insisted that her anxiety was gone by being away, she didn't have any issues, no cheating, she just needed a different life.

Part of me was relieved, because she would hate me and love me all in the same day. She had anxiety about sex, intercourse was non-existent. She had an emotional affair while she was still working 3 years prior. There were so many cold shoulder periods. She was mad at me for wanting to go to the ER one night, when I in fact had kidney stones.

She was always buying stupid crap at the dollar store. She would be yelling at me for buying junk food and then crying about yelling later in the evening. She even told me after calming down from a rage-fight that she had major control issues. I loved my wife, we had such a strong bond, and since she had OCD for sure, I wasn't going to let it pull me down, although at this point I was pretty frustrated and letting it show.

So fast forward to today. The divorce is still pending and can finalize any day now. We have 50/50 custody and settled out of court. Her brother confronted me and said that he kicked her out because she was always shopping, leaving the kids to him. She has been working out like crazy, leaving the kids to the brother, and rapidly lost a lot of weight. She is binge drinking and "acting like a horny 17 year old."

This floored me because I never suspected cheating because she was so anxious about sex. I guess it is just alcohol removing the anxiety, but it makes me very jealous. I confronted her and she denies everything. She told me I was making up accusations, harassing her, and never contact her directly ever again. She is also denying the emotional affair and that she ever told me about having control issues.

She says she doesn't need any help, even though everyone knows she at least has OCD. Now she is leaving my kids with her bi-polar/BPD mother, her brother cut her off. She has had out of state trips to Nevada for her birthday without the kids, and leaving them on school nights to bars. None of this made any sense until I knew the back story.

I am pretty sure she has bi-polar, BPD, or maybe even both like her mom. I am not sure what to do. I love my wife so much on one hand. I know that it helps a TON to have a consistently supporting spouse. But she is in total denial and won't even talk to me. The divorce can be final anytime. What should I do? For her, and for the kids...

Should I file for a court ordered evaluation? I signed the divorce petition not knowing about the alcohol and sleeping around. Should I even think about a future with my wife? Should I just close this chapter of my life? I can't write off my kids regardless, and the only people considering anything than just marital stress is her mom and myself.

This totally sucks!

Thanks a lot!

You have to take care of your kids first. I don't think 50/50 is a good idea if she has an uncontrolled mental illness. Their NEEDS are infinitely more important than her WANTS and IMPULSES.

I think you should be able to get 100% custody, and she can have supervised visitation IF she complies with mental health care.

I know a family that is reverse - the husband/father is the one that is unwell. That was their arrangement. The kids, even 12 yrs old and older were afraid to get into a car with him because they thought he would commit suicide via car accident and kill them too.

Do you really want that for your children?

You are in an IMPOSSIBLE situation. Fight for your children first. Then for a calm secure future for yourself.

IF she is undiagnosed and untreated, and if she would go on medication/stay on medication, things could be different. But without her full cooperation in her own treatment, I can't see it. I have bipolar disorder and I'm a mom. Not a perfect one. But I do my best, am able to work a little bit, I have a great support system so my son doesn't have to watch my bad (depressed) days. I have lost sympathy for people who refuse to accept treatment and make the necessary (usually dramatic) changes needed to create stability.

Hello, Just Shocked, and welcome to the Bipolar Forum,

According to my psychiatrist, so many people who are mentally ill with depression, bipolar illness, anxiety, etc., have multiple illnesses--a bipolar patient, for example, might also have anxiety and other problems.

If it were just one illness, maybe it would be easier for doctors to administer medications that could cause remission of the illness, but that isn't always the case, so specialists do the best they can to maintain stability in people with mental illness.

Bipolar illness is a chemical imbalance, Just Shocked. Obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, or borderline personality disorder added to the original diagnosis of bipolar illness can really make remission difficult. Chances are your wife has more than one problem going on.

I tend to agree with Tortoise on this: that is, unless she makes up her mind to co-operate with a psychiatrist, shows pro-active effort to help bring her chemical balance back in line and resolve the anxiety and other issues, the chances for a successful and happy marriage are very limited, to say the least.

Whatever you do will be your choice, but I would do it with the help of an attorney since you are trying now to find out what the real problems are for your wife, and you are caught in a divorce pending. Until you know from your psychiatrist (your personal one) just what recommendations he has for you, you should be very careful about signing documents giving 50% control of your children to your wife, in my view.

The fact that she has gone this far with an effort to obtain a divorce indicates that she's really determined to get out of the marriage. You have something of a tragedy on your hands, because the children and you are the victims in these matters. They stand to be damaged psychologically by their mother's illness and disturbed behavior. You and they will probably need psychotherapy to recover so that you and the youngsters will not have long-term damage psychologically.

Take care and I hope you will make thoughtful decisions about signing any more documents related to your wife's demands. She's ill, remember, and may not be fully rational regarding everything. That's a major reason for you to have an attorney.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 3/2/2012 8:24:54 PM (GMT-7)