Trying to keep my head above water

Hey guys,

Apologies for being absent over the last few weeks. A lot has happened.

I am putting a hold on leaving my bf.

When I decided I wanted to leave, we were at a really low point. I did not get any emotional support from him when I injured both of my hands and was off work for a couple of months and when I got back to work, I didn't have a lot of support either. It opened my eyes to how I can't depend on him to support and care for me like a partner should. I had already been masking my symptoms and keeping silent about my bp with him for the last few years and feelings of resentment about that were resurfacing as well.

Although I gave no hints or indication I was planning to leave, he picked up on my body language in that I was putting as much distance between us as possible. I wasn't really speaking to him a lot and so when he noticed all of this, he started being his "nice self" to me. I was home sick again a couple weeks ago with a really bad cold and he even called home to see how I was doing. Things have been peaceful for the most part. He lost his temper yesterday, which I am not happy about. He apologized....

I know how this must all sound to everyone.

This is the reason I need to pause this:

Although I have finally after all these years reached the point where I am starting to really recognize the gravity of the unhealthiness of this relationship, a couple of weeks after I made the decision, the next two weeks were spent feeling extremely confused. I was literally going back and fourth about the decision in my head almost hourly. It was torture and I cannot tell you how exhausting that was. I spoke to the abuse counselor about the confusion and we had a great session about it. Of course we identified that part of that confusion was the fear itself of leaving and starting over on my own. The other part that was weighing on me, was "what if I regret it". Seven years is a lot to walk away from, even though with things in such a mess, one could say there is nothing to walk away from because it's been so destroyed. This is the kind of internal dialogue that was going on in my head like an off and on switch.

Then I saw my family doctor. She made a counselling appointment for me so her and I could talk about all of this because she wanted to stay involved. (Something I need to insert here....Back in the winter, I was approached at the hospital where I work to take on a new psychiatrist (I'm a medical secretary). I already have 3 to work for, but one left on maternity leave for a year so I am taking the new one for that time period. I started emailing the new one about a month ago before his arrival and I could tell that he was going to be a handful. Seems nice, but just very Type A and I know I am going to have to be on my A game every single day. The pressure of starting for any new dr. is heavy but this one takes the cake. He arrived last week, and so far it's been tough.) Given this situation and the confusion I was feeling, my doctor was concerned about my mental health. She said it would be too much to take on and unless I was in danger of being physically harmed by my bf, she said it would be best to just put this decision to leave on hold. Since I was off work so long through the late winter/spring, I would hate to go off again due to a breakdown. And nevermind being off work...I don't want to have a breakdown! And honestly I felt like I was on the verge of having one. She really thought it would be best to take the pressure of myself of making this life decision for the time being and after the emotional month long roller coaster, it felt like a huge relief to take that pressure off.

I don't know what the future will hold, but I said to my doctor, at least I did get to the point where I was strongly considering leaving. It helped me see that I can get there again if I need to.

Anyway, have to go. At work & feeling overwhelmed already this early in the day.

Thank you all for your support through everything. I will likely go back to my old username after a little awhile.

Much love,
M.

You can prepare yourself without intention to leave. It's wise. What if he suddenly dies - would you be able to support yourself?

If you can without pressuring yourself or upsetting yourself, you can have confidence that if/when it comes to that you won't have to worry about _____________ fill in the blank.

I'm thinking things like fattening a bank account. Who knows, it might go to getting a car or for a wedding. But you'll have confidence and security regardless of your choice in your relationship.

This plays out for me in little ways. My fiance is my employer. I need a new piece of equipment for my job. He would buy it. That would save me money. But if he dies, I move, etc, then I wouldn't own the piece of equipment necessary to earn a living in one of the few ways I can. So I'll buy the piece of equipment. I'm not entertaining thoughts of leaving him. I'm being realistic and taking care of myself. I'm giving myself the give of confidence.

I am glad you are alive and well. I was worried!

Thank you all :)

I hope I can save some money but we'll see. If things get worse down the road again and work isn't so stressful, I may revisit this whole idea.

I am feeling better today. Deeply depressed yesterday so that was awful. I worked out at the gym last night & soaked in the hot tub after....that felt good!!

M.