I'm on the rollercoaster..........

Well, for the last four years I've had fun and real nice time in the amusement park of life, but somehow I found myself on the roller coaster.... it sucks.

So here I am AGAIN, as I have been many times before in my life.

I'm experiencing the nasty, yucky, type of mania, not the great creative type.
I'm sure some of you know what I mean. Work has been my trigger. The looming lay off from my post, and the prospect of a major pay cut if I stay in a new position, or the downer of finding new work. Anyway, the unknown, which is not good for me at all.

So, yes, I want to get back at my employer, and yes, I want to sabotage the operation totally, and give them bipolar justice. I'm also feeling that I really doubt taking a new position is going to work, because I have this resentment towards them. I'm also seeing the white shadows in my peripheral vision when alone. I hate being alone at night like this. I work nights, so bummer :/ You know, that haunted feeling we get. I feel like I'm surrounded by malevolence and I'm being watched. I'm hyper vigilant. I want to escape so bad.
I'm watching for signs of doing something stupid like spend all my money, or commit a rebel type crime, like financial, etc. I hate being this way. I'm not religious at all, but I am a believer, and I miss the feeling I had when I was brought back, it was like I was told everything is going to be fine. I know I'm not alone, I just see or hear it anymore :/ I want to feel that way again... secure. I am faithful.. I need to find a way back.

I am treated, very well in fact. I've had a good four years after a suicide attempt and spent 6 months involuntary sectioned. In fact it was great being in there....

Risperdal and lamictal work very well for me.

Please people, I don't need the I need to find God, or it's a lack of faith, or it's a belief in something that isn't real, or my treatment isn't good, or I need help..lol. I know I need help. I where I'm at, and I know how my meds need to be tweaked.

Let me believe how I want to believe...

I would love to receive posts from people who have experienced the phenomena that is the shadows in the peripheral vision. The feeling of being haunted. The feeling people have had where they came out "knowing" they have had some kind of reassurance. Also, from those that had lost the ability to tap into that reassurance and maybe found it again....

It's prolly the DMT my brain released when I very nearly succeeded in my attempt, but then maybe that is the way to communicate..who knows, I don't..but I don't want to feel alone..so please post

I get the shadows and sensation of "seeing things" in the not-so-nice hypomania. Very upsetting.

 

 Yep, get the seeing shadows/haunted feelings also. But i have accepted it, and thru accepting have taken away its power to scare/hurt me.  

   Buddhism is how i deal with alot of my issues. It isnt about faith its about finding balance in your life.

   Having a dog sleeping next to you helps me greatly. Especially if its a great big moose of a dog.  LOL LOL

  But i would definelty not engage in any form of justice, it feels good at the time but it isnt the kind of feel good you want in your life, and can haunt you for a very long time.

 Bill

I rely on my dog with the shadowy stuff. If my dog is calm it reminds me that there is no one there, I'm just seeing things.