Posted 12/2/2012 10:05 AM (GMT 0)
This is a very long post so I don’t expect many of you to read it. It’s just the ramblings of another crazy bipolar freak. For those who do read on I hope it gives you strength to proceed on your life’s journey with hope light and love in your heart. My love and hope I share with you your light is for you to find.(been slightly elevated so pls bare with)
I fortunately grew up within nature in a reasonably well adjusted loving family, but still managed to be damaged by others projections and create damage to my own integrity, so struggled with life. I seemed to live a happy caring life, but in hindsight I still inadvertently used and abused others in my need to control, in an effort to feel my needs/wants met, just to stay happy, but always wanting more, or felt that, “missing something”. In my self righteous ignorance I was a vampire until I woke up just enough to start questioning a little, I was around 39 at the time. My first port of call was reading. Deepak Chopra’s books were easily understood and only informed me of things that I already knew innately but had chosen to not look at or act upon
Early in the year 2000 I was lucky enough to holiday in Sri Lanka, it was so beautiful I saved relentlessly and returned later in the year. One day over the reception desk my eyes met the eyes of an angel it was an auspicious moment in my life, one I will never forget. I came face to face with total unconditional love and trust. The connection was instantaneous and forever we both knew it. We did not stay in contact the knowledge of each others existence was sufficient, I believe for both of us. I had been given a wake up call. From that connection I resolved to commit myself to myself and promote self change in earnest. It’s been a hard struggle but surprisingly it has also been a great pleasure.
I’m happy to say that particular angel is now happily married with a beautiful family, a knowledge that gives me huge joy and a warm smile.
My real journey along the path back to myself began when close to Christmas 12 years ago in 2000 I met (through the internet) my current partner who was damaged even more than I (lacked belief in himself). My belief/opinion (counts little as I cannot read minds, but it helps me excuse him in my mind) is that already damaged, I know he took drugs LSD in the 80’s that probably gave him access to the/an energy/divine without the awareness of his true self, he gained the knowledge that others possessed, or gained access to something that he wasn’t naturally able to access, so not a true reality. (too damaged) With that belief it takes very little to start using other people’s innate goodness and connectedness as a link. They recognise people who are connected to their divine nature (it shines through) and learn to emulate it on the outside but can not connect to it in reality, (this makes them angry, maladjusted and needy) the vampire is born. Rather than do work on themselves which can seem impossible, requiring too much scary hard work they take the energy or the lifeblood of others and hate themselves for their own perceived weakness, when they witness the damage they cause. Stuck in the cycle too afraid of change is scary, scary place to be, especially if they trust no-one, how can they when they can’t even have a firm belief or trust in themselves? Any journey starts with the self...
In being true to myself and my nature I was able to withstand Physical (fortunately that stopped) verbal and emotional abuse, in the knowledge that all the nastiness was held in him not me and was caused by his own pain so usually my unconditional love shone through. I did join him in the playground quite a few times before I got a grip on myself. Unfortunately when people start vamping off others subconsciously it does them even more damage, locked away is their guilt, and shame that they refuse to look at as that causes more pain. Often these people have little idea of how much damage they project on to others. In reality it is a crucifying experience and tends to send people a bit crazy, to say the least.
Most people are struggling to keep their own integrity intact in our pretentious society, on a daily basis. When damaged others come into their lives demanding the energy from it, it unbalances even the best of well intentioned people, weakening the soul hence weakening the physical body. The only worthwhile energy (unconditional love) is given freely never coerced. It is up to each of us to find it in ourselves to try not vamp it from others.
I was diagnosed bipolar 10 years ago when the stress of the situation exploded. I was not as strong as I thought my health suffered quite a lot I was getting quite weak. My conviction was not then strong enough. I refused medication anyway even pretended to take it when they were going to force it on me if I did not.
It was never an easy path, I visited heaven and hell, walking in the spirit world (purgatory maybe) for inspiration. To others I was away with the fairies, flying high burning out and then my quiet meditation, self reflection that lasted days at a time, seen by others as depression, thankfully hope and faith never left me. Burn out to me was losing my false self (my ego) becoming the true me, born of mindfulness and consideration with good intention. I truly felt like a phoenix from out of the ashes, new born. Mind you I was so often tempted to relinquish my quest, as it did seem too far too much and often too crazy to contend with at times. That would have been soul destroying. I was compelled to keep on going. It was that or a pretend existence of
self deceptions and knowing me, moral integrity was at issue here.
Whatever you are you hiding about yourself, you do not want other people to see?
Whatever you hide even if it is buried deep in your subconscious so as you don’t have to think about it, it will haunt you for the rest of your life, dragging you and those you meet down. Unless you deal with it, it eats away at the very core of your being. I was told today I’m an angel by three different people I felt humbled a very pleasant feeling. Most of my life has been spent on being quite “devilish” I have not always lived a connected life (mainly due to mistrust of other peoples intensions) but have always enjoyed it. Then I understood angels, people who are open are a conduit for divine energy, love or whatever you like to call it, can see/feel each other in their reflection you could have knocked me down with a feather coz there was me thinking they were the angels. Thankfully there are a fair few about.
Babies are often depicted as cherubs, they have no baggage. until of course they are subjected to societies pressures and temptations beguile, corruption, fraud, usage damage and manipulation, we start to tense against the assaults out of fear of loss, making us lose are divine nature (ourselves) most of us have done things we are ashamed of, mine started at a very early age, damage inadvertently and some unavoidable, done to me as a child. I was a naturally adventurous and curious child picking up a lot of guilt/shame so tried to fit in with what seemed easiest for me at the time trying not to harm anyone, many of my pleasures could, in hindsight be seen to harm others but I was blind to my shame ignored my discomfort as by then I was only doing the same as everyone else. I was really quite a nice happy-ish sort of girl but I held onto my hidden fears and judgement of and by others (within this sterile seeming pretence of life and living) while ignoring my own indiscretions
I managed for a long time, being a hypocrite, continually discontent and at odds with myself.
Trying to present ourselves as different from who we subconsciously know ourselves to be damages self opinion, it flags it up, especially if it is qualities we would not like to encounter in someone else. Good intentioned people often know this and cotton on eventually as long as they don’t try to attach/connect (possessively) themselves to someone/something else (idealisation) to compensate their own perceived weaknesses.
Once we feel we reach comfort within ourselves it is too easily lost by our spoilt nature or our own neediness we distract ourselves with materialistic and hedonistic and egotistical power struggles and we get sucked back in. Because we are good natured we don’t wish to hurt someone so we start to go against our nature and distort the truth to alleviate pain in both ourselves (we do not want others to see what we try to hide about ourselves) and others. Hiding truth from someone takes away their autonomy to act with full knowledge of true reality. Keeping people in a pretend world you create by not trusting them to make well judged choices. That is in effect trying to control another person’s thoughts and actions, it takes away their ability to make considered choices and eventually unless they are strong in their true sense of self it does damage. Often making people believe what you project onto them. Your thoughts and reality, not theirs, you have not trusted them with the truth.
I had to forgive everyone else before I could ever contemplate forgiving myself for all the baggage I had accumulated. I have been to hell and back to find myself but I regret not one moment of it. I have love for all in nature it is the good energy that flows over connecting all that is our saving grace. Many through instilled fear built up over years, never find a way to connect. too intent on trying to force their will on others instead of trying to gain their own willpower Ignorant behaviour is never condoned, even by the people perpetrating it, it is eventually going to cause them damage. They will suffer for acting against the shared go*dness of universal energy their subconscience will not let them rest easy.
It is your own connection to the divine that gives you this strength of feeling, not the person, who is only a channel. Once you stop doubting your own goodness (by letting right action flow through you) and pay attention to be mindful to your commitment to your true self. you will find progression and freedom from insanity. It is too easy to get excited in the emotion of the moment and try to hold on, creating possessive feelings of wanting, or run scared. It is then unless we are strong in our self knowledge we lose touch with our own connection to divinity.
I lost connection to my true self by entering society’s madness in the mistaken belief that it was the only way. Only by knowing myself, no longer blind to the realities of life, refusing to be drawn into the silly pretence built in society by greed and selfishness that causes fear in others, can I remain a free spirit.
This knowledge of the divine, when we find it, excites us and overwhelms us so as we get confused when we try to relate it to others, (sends a lot of us crazy and gives the impression to others that we are a tad doolallytat), but it is up to each of us to take responsibility for taking control of our own emotions and not collapse into them on our journey to enlightenment. The love we receive from others that we connect to is a reflection of our own connection with the divine (good universal energy) in truth. It is all within you and up to you to connect to the channel direct, not through others knowledge of themselves but your knowledge of self.
The divine is in nature, everything even the games people play is the conditioning of human nature, unconditional love within the self and of the self is the only way to be in touch with the divine of all.
It is time for another JC, or the like, that cannot be bought by organised religions (big power vamps who have sold themselves out to the material world) to use against the struggling people. Someone who can escape the clutches of the mental institutions, That seem set up to drug those who may disrupt the self interest of the power hungry, by illuminating the truth. I believe every person alive has that potential if they do not weaken and are fully awake to true reality.