Not sure if I'm bipolar but it's starting to look that way

This is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through.  As I sit here and try to write this I look down on myself and say this could never be you.  I have been married to my wife for seven years, together for ten.  When we first met till a short time after we were married life couldn't have been any better.  But there was always a deamon lurking in the shadows.  Funny I guess I must have known it was there but I really took it for granted.  We would get in some of the same arguments that every couple gets into, but then I would spin up into such a rage that I literally would see red.  No, I have never struck my wife and never will.  I would punch things, throw things, say horrible hurtful things which I never would mean to say.  I would then get either suicidal saying things which I hope I would never do.  Finally I would get depressed and stay that way for several days. 

Recently things have come to a head and we made the decision to either seek counseling or get a divorce.  I am do deeply in love with my wife that I can't see anyway that I can live without her or my two year old son.  We went to our first counseling session last night and it was recommended that I go see a psychiatrist for the possibility of having either a bi-polar disorder or manic depessive tendencies.  I have an appointment in two weeks and am hopeful that I can destroy this demon in my life.

What's killing me right now is this comes and goes and is not a persistant every day thing.  But the times that it has happened, they were bad!   I am curious what the hell is wrong with me and I not only want to control it, I need to control it.  I'm praying that I havn't lost my life because of thses problems.  And right now I am happy to have anyone to talk to.  There is so much more that I could write but I feel so depressed and run down right now that I wil probably have to follow up later in this thread.

If anyone could give me any insight it would be more than apperciated.

Thank you for the quick reply, today has been such a dark dayfor me. I am finally beginning to realize and see things that I never realized were there. Help can't come fast enough and I'm happy that my wife is attempting counseling with me and is on board if I do have to go on meds.

We have been very social drinkers pretty much every day of our lives together with the exception of a two year hiatus with the conception of my son. Unbenownst to me I had some episodes of violent depressive behavior during that time too. As it came out in therapy last evening! For so long I thought it was just the alcohol which allowed me to get so angry. It wsn't until last night that I understood that the alcohol just takes the filter away, but the violent behavior and the depression are the actual problems underscored by some mental problem or process.

Again, I am just happy to have found this forum, even if it found that what I have is not bipolar disorder, reading the posts from everyone and having the suport is a big help. I thought that after a week of the hardest times in my life things might be better by now, but unfortunatly I guess I just havn't really hit rock bottom yet. I am doing alot of soul searching right now and trying to get throught the next couple of weeks till i see the psych.

I felt like I was Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas last week because I was bound and determined to drink myself to death because I thought my wife was cheating on me on a dating website. Wanna laugh?? I created a fictitious profile and began to talk with her. Our conversations got pretty intense and exen began to take a very sexual tone as we divulged things that we would never verbally say. She even went me naked pictures of herself!! As it destroyed my life, corupted my soul, decimated my family and our vacation in Orlando I turned to various outlets besides completely destroying myself with alcohol.

One was to call my pastor, through a lengthy conversation he described a song "If you like pina' Coladas". He detailed that it was a song about two people who fall out of love together and take out ads in the newspaper. After publishing their likes and turn on's they both unknowingly answer each other's ads. Funny enough, shortly after I broke up the false romance that I was having with my wife on this dating website, she dropped the bomb. She knew it was me the whole time and was trying to prove a point. She has said she is sorry and didn't know how adversly this affected me or my family but she did take some pleasure in making me understand a little of what it felt like to her when I had cheated on my ex-wife to end up with my current one. Told you it was funny, or should I have said convoluted as hell!?!

My only thought is just keep breathing, just keep breathing...like the fish in nemo "just keep swimming"

It kill's me because I'm a 38 year old firefighter/paramedic I've been a federal law enforcement officer and a municipal law enforcement officer. I've always been a hard ass and most people would characterize my personality as "intense", but I just can't stop breaking down crying. To make it worse, I'm doing it in front of my two year old son. I know I need the help so benefit him and me and hopefully with God's grace, my marriage. I'm just curious when the crying stopps, because I'll be darned I havn't even been able to cry at a family member's funeral. Is this part of it? am I crying because I'm depressed, sad , remorseful I'm not sure... BUt I have got to find a better outlet. Maybe it's just the non-stop rain down here today!

OMG, I just want to hug you right now...

I have never been in your situation so I cannot pretend to understand what you are going through, but I can give you some advice I heard when I just got diagnosed. I has helped me in some way.

"We are never given more than we can deal with, but always just enough to brace against our limits. And the more you are given, the stronger you are, the better you will come off it."

I hope it will help you. Just stay strong...

It looks like you've come to the right place for support while you wait for your psych appointment. A wise man knows when he needs help and reaches out, so you're to be commended for being open and honest. I'm sure that just knowing that others have experienced some of the same feelings as you is comforting. Your process of soul searching and looking back over your marriage is also a healthy exercise. Sometimes it's good to just pause and see where there might have been negative patterns or drifting in your relationship. A course correction is always better than abandoning ship, so hang in there.

If you're like a lot of us, you probably use the Internet to search on suspected diagnoses, whether it's a rash, bug bite, cancer, etc. Along with forums like this, there's endless organizations, resources, etc. to sort through. As you do your research, you might want to take a look at the book "Blue Genes." It's written by three doctors (Meier, Clements, Bertrand)who share their results from studying brain chemicals that affect our moods and personality. Maybe it will help you sort through things with your doctors and counselors. Anyway, I'll be praying that God leads you gently and clearly in the days ahead. I always liked the verse "...God is not a God of confusion, but of peace..." May that be your experience.

[mod edit: new member introduction moved to separate thread -  https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=2802146]

Post Edited By Moderator (Chloe43) : 7/24/2013 1:48:42 AM (GMT-6)

Hey, I have been wondering the same thing about myself. Unfortunately, it runs in my family. I haven't gotten too verbal, but I have completely shut down towards my spouse, for many reasons. Maybe I am bp, maybe I just don't love him anymore. It is good that you care. I think that is what is going to make it so you can conquer. Best wishes to you at the doc.