Secrets

Hi. Some of you might remember me. BP II, rapid cycling, psychotic episodes, medication free.

I have not told my family. My grandmother is schizophrenic and due to that my parents have always been a bit sensitive regarding mental health. My mother has had some depression issues when she was younger and she dealt with it, but now she seems to think that she knows everything.

I tried telling them a number of times already, but they won't listen to me. My father immediately says that it is all in my head and that I shouldn't bother with it. My mother just says to take bad days one by one and then I will be alright. By this time I don't want to tell them that this is greater than mind over matter, that my mind affects my matter and that I have in truth never felt true happiness but I am utterly anhedonic. But they won't understand because they don't want to understand. So I have decided to keep this to myself.

It is a secret. Every time I go home I have to put on a mask. Cliché, but true. It is exhausting. Which is why I normally make up an excuse to go back to university so that I don't have to stay at home.

I haven't even told my friends. Well, I tried but they just laughed it off and told me that I am attention seeking. I have two friends that are open about their BP. But they do not really have it. They lied their way into getting diagnosed in order to get extensions on their due dates from the lecturers. And it worked.

I don't want to share my secret with them either.

I shared it with a childhood friend of mine. She was very accepting because she is diabetic and knows how it feels to have your health affect your life, but now she seems to have changed the way she thinks about me. When I am depressed, she tells me to go drink a pill and come back to her. When I am hypomanic, which is a good place for me, she criticizes me on not being happy for once. So I wear my mask around her as well.

I have nobody in my life with whom I can share my secret. So now it is a big secret. It tries to consume me sometimes, but I won't let it.

I am stronger than this.

My mental health will not define me.

But I want to share my secret with a friend who will understand me.

Sorry for the long post. It has been a tough week.