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Married to bipolar wife on meds....and still need help

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 10/11/2013 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
I've been reading this form for some time....and tonight's the night I finally had to post. I suppose its a place to put my thoughts out there, but I also really need help.

My wife and I have been married 8 years. Even when we were dating I knew and experienced what we thought were her depressions but it was only later, after marriage, that it was re diagnosed as bipolar.

She is great at taking her meds.....and when it gets bad and the 'darkness' descends, she will eventually go back to her doctor to try something new or recalibrate the existing.

I love her. I've always been a pretty level person.....never reaching the gigs she can feel or the lows she suffers. More and more recently I feel like a yoyo never sure what I will get. If I am honest, I would sa she used to make me feel I could do whatever I wanted....now I can be lucky if I end the day with her even asking how my day was, letting me talk through any of my dilemmas etc.

Probably sounds selfish I know but sometimes I feel if I'm not worrying about myself then she can't.

Th biggest change is that since our marriage we have two beautiful children. We both love them loads. Ad she can be a great mum. By by the end of the day - or during if I am around- she simply has no more capacity to give to anything else...and more than that....she just attacks with frustration the whole time. She forgets which kid is meant to be doing what and when.

I am so proud of her that she takes her meds everyday. I really do appreciate that and can't take it for granted. I know I am lucky compared to so many others. But I also think she needs help in increasing her capacity to deal with the things life throws at you everyday because so often it overwhelms her, causes her to freeze, prevents her from being positive and she drags us all down for that day.
Everything becomes impossible and all she wants to do is hide but she can't because of the kids, so she resents it more, and then I get it in the eve.

She has promised me so often she will get help. She as ad therapy in past but won't go back to that type of thing. But she might do a helping her cope process. She says she will. But she never does. And I never manage to bring it up again until the next big blowout.

So I suppose I don't really know what to do. I am so aware that copes have issues irrelevant of bipolar. And I don't want to pin every argument or issue on the bipolar or her ability to cope. I also make mistakes! But how am I ever to know if this is just a regular marriage issue or whether the bipolar - even when on meds- is a constant overarching shadow and should I push her to get help. I am scared that if something doesn't change we will pass the point of no return n I love her too much to want to let that happen - i just don't know if I have much left to give.
Posted 10/12/2013 10:13 AM (GMT 0)
It's quite usual for the spouses of bipolar patients to require support for themselves. It is a difficult illness to be on the the receiving end of and spouses don't have as much control over the bipolar as the suffer does. It can lead spouses to feel very disempowered, as if their spouse's bipolar is running their lives, their household and doesn't leave much in life untouched. Parenting is very very difficult with bipolar, so is relating well in a marriage. How bipolar plays out in a family is very individual and I think you might like to get support for yourself to help manage the effects of your wife's illness. Bipolar is rarely managed by meds alone so if your wife thinks she is doing all that is required of her in terms of managing her illness, she is wrong, and your post is evidence of that. Managing bipolar generally encorporates psychological strategies and skills that only your wife can learn for herself. She's got to commit to leading the life that will have her bipolar stabilised for herself, you, and the children you share. Being a child of a bipolar parent is not fun. Glimpses of a balanced, healthy and happy mum, is not enough. Children need stability, consistency and a feeling that the parent is in control of themselves and situations. Kids can't meet their own psychological development stages without this foundation in their lives. Bipolar parents can provide that, but they must commit to managing their illness the best they can. Otherwise they are being selfish and hurting the little humans they are responsible for; not to mention fellow adults they have made a lifelong commitment to be a "partner" to; not a dependent. I'm not saying do not be compassionate and helpful in relation to here symptoms. I am merely saying enabling her to not manage HER health properly will not work in the long term either. For the marriage to succeed, she needs to actively working on learning how to manage her symptoms effectively every single day for the rest of her life. If she fails to do that, it is her that has let the marriage down, not you. Bear in mind, part of bipolar is a lack of awareness around how we appear to others. As people suffering from bipolar we are almost incapable of seeing how we appear to others. It is a symptom of the illness itself and it is an ongoing process of becoming as self aware as we possibly can.

I hope the information below may give you some "handle" on how you are going to manage the parts YOU have control over in this situation and how you are going to manage the parts you can't. Good luck Resw. It is a big challenge you have.

_ _ _ _ _

Acknowledge reality for what it is. This DOES NOT mean you have to like the reality or try to stop the reality having you feel bad. Acknowledging reality about having an honest, objective awareness of the situation you are in. It does NOT mean you have to put up with or fail to protect yourself from harmful behavior. Acknowledging reality means you recognize the situation for what it is; correctly identify your role in the situation and the role of others. Once you accept reality, you are more likely to choose effective solutions - that help you be the person you want to be and live by the values that are important to you, fulfil your purpose in life and live the kind of life YOU want to lead.

Helpful questions we can ask ourselves:
1. What past events lead up to this situation?
2. What role did I play in creating this situation?
3. What role did others play in creating this situation?
4. What do I have control of in this situation?
5. What is beyond my control in this situation?
6. What choices can I make in this situation?

Thinking “This situation shouldn’t be happening” does not stop the fact that the situation is happening. When we acknowledge a situation is happening whether we like it or not, our energy can then go to managing the situation in the most effective way. Situations often arise out of a long chain of events in the past; each event a sliding door and decisions made by ourselves and others, lead us to where we are today. At times we have no control over a situation and acknowledging reality can help us alleviate additional suffering. Once we have done all we can to deal with a situation effectively we can relax in the knowledge we have done our best and that is enough. While we cannot control outcomes, we can choose to take healthy, effective actions that increase the likelihood of achieving our desired outcomes.

To help us endure the bad times, it can help to remind ourselves. "This is the way it is right now. I can’t do anything to change the past. I only have control over the present. If I can’t change the situation, I can do something healthy and effective to make me feel better and endure the situation".

I hope you can take something away from that Resw... it can be a very different way of looking at things... and it takes time to absorb and put into action. Again, all the best.

Jade
Posted 10/14/2013 7:41 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Jade.  it was a kind of relief to read your response.  i was nervous it was going to be that i was missing the point and instead it clarified and framed all that i am feeling.

i need to find teh way to bring this up with her and actually talk about her bipolar in a supportive and comfortbale way.  not so easy. friday was like a major day and yet -the day after - when all was calm and back to normal - for her it was as if it never ahppened.

so i am still basing current feelings on friday and she is on top of the world!

i know the right thing is to talk about it, and yet its so much nicer in teh short term when she feels like she does now.

 

Posted 10/14/2013 7:48 AM (GMT 0)
and also.....do people have any recommendations for teh type of support/therapy that can be helpful for someone with bipolar. key goal is her beign to expand her coping skills in life to better organize herself, what she and the kids need to be doing when and where, planning ahead, practical skills, not being so overwhelemed and freezing when difficult - i would love to be able to say to my wife 'i've heard about this great approach of ........ hwhy dont you try it'
Posted 10/16/2013 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
Can't go passed DBT. Sheri Van Dijk MSW has a book called "The Dialectical behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook for Bipolar: Use DBT to Regain Control of Your Emotions and Your Life". It could be a good investment for you to make; read yourself (it has a section for loved ones). Even if she never picks it up, you will be armed with insight on how DBT build skills and you can embrace the learning for yourself and use the skills to cope with and interact with your wife the best you can. I'm taking 4 days off due to exhaustion, but I run online DBT groups in bipolar chat room each night at 8pm site time. Carers are welcome. I'll be back on Sunday night, if that seems like something that might help - no probs if it isn't ;)
Posted 12/6/2013 10:55 AM (GMT 0)
Living well... do you still run the group? If so, can you convert the time to australian eastern standard daylight savings time? I can't work out the link you posted.
Posted 12/15/2013 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
hi I can tell you some of my experience as a bipolar patient. I went without proper treatment for 18 years. I am RN and I my mother was a paranoid szhizoprenic that had a frontal lobotomy in the fifties. There was alot of shame that I developed over this, and I refused to accept had the illness for a long time, and I also, was given the wrong medication, and was told I had an anxiety disorder at first. I would try to control and limit my medication too by saying " oh I can prove to myself I don't have a mental illness " I was wrong.

I am now on lamictal 100 mg a day. I had to do a 1 yr withdrawal off a benzodiazepine, klonipin and an antidepressant, lexapro. this made me crazy, masked my symptoms and and made me hypomanic. when I got the proper dose of lamictal, I stabilized and I am back to my old self mentally.

I have also been diagnosed with lyme disease recently, and it is possible the lyme disease is causing my bipolar symptoms, which is common in lyme disease.

I am also getting therapy from a holistic therapist who does conventional as well as energy work on blocked and repressed emotions. I found that all the repressed emotions from 52 yrs had to be expressed and I am working on more to get fully well. I never learned how to properly express my emotions when I was growing up. I also learned to try to get an adrenalin rush by riding my horses fast in horse shows every weekend during my teenage years, which I also think could have contributed to my illness. I also engaged in risky behavior, drugs, and affairs. Many patients really like the euphoria they get when manic, and some patients will not take their medication to get it. this was not the cause with me. But I really noticed this and found this out when I worked in the mental health field. LOL. Isn't that ironic I was bipolar, an RN, not getting the proper meds my self, and working with patients that had the same thing I did?

talking about denial. anyway, yes your spouse needs therapy to learn coping skills and to get all those blocked emotions out of that body.
Posted 12/21/2013 5:28 AM (GMT 0)
I used to be Bipolar type II. Cured it after detoxing liver/gut, and supplementing with methylB12. I think Lyme definitely caused this. Getting official treatment for Lyme right now.

@mystery1
Interesting that I also had difficulty expressing my emotions growing up. I thought it was due to the mercury/Asperger's? Do you have mercury also? I also had ADHD/anxiety, withdrawn and lonely since childhood. All of these have improved with detox so far.
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