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The mess bipolar has made of my life

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 11/17/2013 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
I have been diagnosed bipolar for 15 months now. It has really caused a strain on my life as I knew it. I spend money that my husband and I agreed I wouldn't spend. I spend on myself but mainly on other people. I love to see the smiles on their faces and be able to help them through tough times. However I am doing it at the expense if my own family. I'm not sure how to stop. I am dishonest about what I do because the disappointment on his face is heartbreaking. But for some reason I can't stop. It has come to me not having access to any of our financial accounts. I get an allowance each week. I cannot be trusted. I just feel like him and my son could have such a better life without me. I have always been the strong one keeping everyone together and helping them out of situations. Now I cannot even remember simple day to day tasks. I think my husband thinks my memory is an excuse but it really sucks to not remember what you even did the day before sometimes. I feel alone, ashamed, worthless, and invaluable. I hate what my life has become and I'm tired of fighting so hard to always end up back in the same place.
Posted 11/17/2013 3:04 AM (GMT 0)
I was diagnosed as Bipolar II about 14 months ago myself. After 20 years of seeing doctors, and watching myself make the dumbest mistakes, over and over again. Hearing myself say things and not believing I just said that. Knowing that my behavior is unreasonable, but feel that I cannot stop it. I know your confusion and pain. I, in some small way, am grateful for the fact that we are relatively on the lower income side, so overspending was never an option for me, but I do know how hard it is to know that the way you behave isn't the way you want to, but you feel you can't control it. I'm so sorry you are going thru this, but it does get better.
Posted 11/17/2013 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for responding. I really need to talk with people who can understand what we go through. It is hard to understand if you don't have bipolar. There is not really a way to explain the racing thoughts the impulses and the daily struggle. They think just take the medicine and it will cure it. I'm so ashamed of what my life has become. Who wants to live a life like this? It's a horrible way to live. I get so distracted. I start to so something and then something else catches my attention and I forget what I was doing in the first place. I am hoping this forum can help me find a little peace and understanding.
Posted 11/17/2013 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
First off let me say, I don't believe you are a "Bipolar Mess". Bipolar disorder just happens to be (biologically) a part of who you are. I know how hard it is to feel so out of control of your emotions, that tend to swing from side to side, sometimes with drastic consequences. I personally read everything I could get my hands on about Bipolar II, and all in all they ALL say the same things. Therapy has helped me to learn when my behavior is unreasonable (ie manic, or depressive). I have the tendency to be what they call "a catastrophic thinker"- meaning I manger to internalize everything and make little things into life altering things. Of course no one wants to live this way- and I TOTALLY get feeling like people think just take a pill and you'll get better. Yes medication does help but it doesn't clean up any messes you've made for yourself. I have the hardest time now with people who know that I am Bipolar thinking that if I am having a bad day I'm "depressed", or having a good day means I'm "manic". OK I KNOW I'M BIPOLAR but please STOP treating me like that is all I am now, is what I want to scream sometimes. With people very close to me (who are the most supportive to me) they sometimes seem to now "blame" how I feel on being Bipolar. IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!!! I am so sorry that right now you feel that you have made a mess- but with time and some forgiveness (mainly for yourself) you can "clean" things up. We have ALL made some mistakes that can never be taken back- said and done things we wish we hadn't- promised to do something, then something shiny caught our eye- been late AGAIN- taken time off because we couldn't deal with the "talk" today. Bipolar disorder is tough, and I have to TRULY believe that with time, I can get control of it. And I HONESTLY believe that you have the strength to do the same!! My email is [email protected] if you ever need to chat more privately!
Posted 11/17/2013 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you. Your kind words are soothing and hopeful to me. I am told I am going to be under the microscope from now on. Phone bing monitored, weekly allowance when I work 40 hours a week also. Bipolar should not define me. But with the people close to me it now does. I get questioned about my moods. Are your thoughts racing? Did you eat today? What did you eat? Where? With who? What time? Did you write in your journal? Did you take your meds? Let's take baby steps, what do you want to do in the next few hours? I AM STILL A GROWN WOMAN!!! Sometimes I wonder if my depressed states are not brought on by all this. I just want to get away from it all. But there are consequences for doing that. Now every decision I make has a consequence. All my decisions now are not rational or in my best interest. I get talked over and dismissed. Ugh. I could go on and on. My email is [email protected]
Posted 11/17/2013 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
I emailed you. Please get back to me. I don't mind the rants. As sometimes I just need to VENT to someone who possibly gets me. Hang in there Bipolar Mess. Things always happen, good and bad, the way they should! Hugs
Posted 11/19/2013 2:31 AM (GMT 0)
I think often we know exactly what it will take to bring out behaviour under control we just have to be courageous enough to go into the unknown, with meds, therapy and lifestyle changes. To manage bipolar we have to turn ourselves inside out and do whatever it takes to be as well as possible. Fifteen months isn't too long into the management journey of bipolar, so try to be gentle on yourself and take those baby steps towards wellness each day. Good luck xo
Posted 11/19/2013 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the encouragement. I'm glad to know 15 months isn't that long. It seems like a lifetime to me. I expected to take my meds and be all better. I sure found out the hard way! LOL
Posted 11/19/2013 8:48 AM (GMT 0)
It does work that way sometimes, so it wasn't an unreasonable expectation. Bipolar is impacted by so many factors and everyone's journey is unique. Bipolar can be a tortuous experience and you are right... it certainly makes time slow down. You have every right to be angry at the illness - there is nothing fair about it - it is painful and you did nothing to create it. You do not deserve bipolar. It can take a long time to get used to a dx, let alone sort the symptoms out. I understand what you say about how it feels like a lifetime but my point is more trying to reassure you that over time, one can come to a certain acceptance of having the illness, no matter how cruel and painful it can be at times. We learn to tolerate it, manage it and how to have and meaningful and fulfilling life even with the illness. I totally believe you have been to hell and back in the last 15 months. Like any chronic illness, it does demand we make lifestyle adjustments but once we find out what works for us and we incorporate it into our every day, we can experience very good quality of life. Before you know it you will have got this monster tamed and will be able to offer words of comfort to others with quite recent diagnosis. You are in a process of learning and it is a sucky time right now but if you keep doing your best towards managing the illness you have a very bright future to look forward to. It does get much better xo
Posted 11/23/2013 7:12 AM (GMT 0)
I hear you. I am just 11 months into this mess. I hated telling anyone in my family what was really going on for that same reason that you said. I feel happy or energetic one day and they are all panicking and asking how manic i am. "Is this you or is this the bipolar or the drugs?" I got really sick of it and was complaining to my therapist about it when he pointed out that they are only asking because they love me. If i didn't know what was going on, they have even less of an idea. They are scared because they probably haven't ever dealt with something like this. So one day when i was more stable feeling we sat down and i told them how it made me feel when they asked questions like that. Or when they tried to micromanage my treatment. They know better now not to ask, and if i want to talk to them about it, i will.
I know that this is a long crazy path. I haven't been in this for a year even and have been through at least 11 different drugs. 11 drugs for 11months i guess. Today i was given lithium for the first time. I don't know that it will work, but i have to hope that it will. Things have to get better eventually. As long as we believe that, i think someday they will for us. Good luck in your situation. It's hard. I know. But you are such a champ for doing it anyway. With love.
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