Introduction- sorry kind of long

Hi, my name is Sara. I have bipolar I and generalized anxiety disorder. I also have fibromyalgia, CFIDS, arthritis, IBS, migraines, etc. I am in my early 30's and have been married 15 years to a wonderfully supportive man, and we have a large family.

My first major depressive phase with a suicidal plan was in 6th grade, and I was diagnosed properly seven years ago, but I'm here because I feel newly diagnosed. This year has been a rapid cycling year- 1 manic phases, 2 mixed phases, and 2 severely depressed phases. This last mixed phase landed me in the hospital. The mania stopped with the new medicine, and I was finally starting to crawl upwards with the depression, until we got some really bad news- we were turned down for the refinance of our home which puts us in real danger of losing it. Then I went downhill again. The meds are really helping- I can tell because I'm holding it together at all, but I'm still trying to keep from going right back to the hospital. For all but the first year or two after my diagnosis, I've been in total denial. I've told everyone it was anxiety and depression and would only accept treatment that leaned towards that- until a crisis came up, then I would desperately scramble for treatment, and when it was over, go back to only my A-D, which I tolerated for a long time but didn't do a ton for me. I had a year and a half remission, which added to my denial- I thought God had cured me. :( But this year has shown me that I can't do that anymore, that if I want to attain stability I have to admit I have bipolar and actually get adequately treated for it.
I have irritable mania, and I don't struggle with a lot of the things I hear other bipolar people struggling with (hypersexuality, spending too much- maybe because I've been poor since early childhood and my beliefs are incredibly firm in the sexuality area, again since childhood. I do develop paranoia and thought intrusion, and I drive recklessly.). Usually my mania transitions into a mixed phase, which once treated usually plummets into depression. So I often feel "out of place" even when I read bipolar material. I haven't talked with other people who have the disease, except in hospitals, so this is a first for me.

Anyways, sorry so long. I'm looking forward to being here.

Hi Sara - again :)

Denial is an interesting phenomenon. It can actually be of great benefit in certain circumstances. If we feel we have too many responsibilities and bipolar might get in the way of having us fulfilling those responsibilities in the way that we want, it is all too easy to want to reject the dx. Denial tells us that if we listen to it, it will all be alright... and for the most part it is, until the symptoms come along and send us for a "six".

The other part of bipolar is a blindness to the symptoms... sure you can see the more pronounced ones, but there are more moderate symptoms that for me, once they were pointed out, I could then see and it helped me accept my dx. I was scared. I thought by accepting my dx, that I would be swallowed up by symptoms. I felt ashamed as if I was responsible for my illness even though I wasn't.

Like you, it took me a long time to adjust to the dx. Your journey will be your own but I found it easier the more I accepted it. I have long wondered why people didn't like me, why I didn't fit in, why I was rejected. When I realised it was because of the bipolar symptoms that I couldn't see but they could, it solved a 40 year old mystery for me.

It is not unusual(for me at least) to want to attribute bipolar symptoms to anxiety/depression, minimalise them or try to normalise them as a normal response to an external trigger. The hard truth is God does not heal bipolar, nor do doctors. It is an incurable, life long illness that is our personal responsibility to manage so that it doesn't burn us and everyone around us. While it definitely feels counter-intuitive the first step to bring bipolar under control is by identifying subtle daily bipolar symptoms and not ascribing the symptoms to other illnesses. Once you accept these subtle every day symptoms as part of bipolar,you will be able to accept consistent and ongoing care for the bipolar and you will also make little changes in you life to help stop the bipolar flair up.

I have a problem with accepting this myself, but going to hospital is not a sign of personal failure. No other illnesses are blamed on the sufferer quite like mental illness. Stress causes heart attacks but no one wags a pointed finger at at heart attack sufferer saying "tut, tut, you are a poor stress manager, I don't know whether you are worth treating".

Personally, it seems that Seroquel is a good anti-psychotic, anti-mania drug for a wide range of people. But our bodies are all so different so don't feel like you are somehow to blame is one particular drug trial doesn't work. Seroquel can make one quite drowsy so possibly Zyprexia, or another type of anti-psychotic might be best for a mom with a lot of small children. Also consider getting help with raising your children. The more stable influences they have in their lives the better it is for them. (Take it from me as bipolar mum who failed in this area).

I hope I haven't thrown too much at you at once. Give yourself time to digest my response. Listen to your gut to how each point I make, makes you feel because THAT is the truth. I do not know you or your situation so I cannot know with clarity what is going on for you. I have merely tried to give you some clarity about a very complex, confusing illness.

My last point is about multiple illnesses. Each day I record my symptoms or all my illnesses. Having the time to do this is a luxury, I know. I rate each symptom in a spread sheet and turn it into a graph. I then take the graph to all my various medical appointments. I find it helps each specialist see how the illness they are treating fits in with my overall health and the management of other illnesses. It keeps my diverse treatment team all on the same page. I think it also helps me keep my illnesses separate, so that I don't feel overwhelmed by the cluster of them as a whole.

I just want to wish you all the best in your journey Sara. Just reading your brief post, you seem like a warm soul with good values, integrity and authenticity. No illness takes that a way.