Anger with ipolar spouse

Hi i am new to this community, but not new to living with a bi-polar spouse. I am appalled at how I accepted his behavior for nearly 32 years of marriage. I have had depression and a lot of my own anger to deal with. His diagnosis was only made after two nearly successful suicide attempts one in January 2013 and another in September 2013. The diagnosis of BP was made in November of 2013. In both cases -- drugs and alcohol. But before the diagnosis there were terrible periods -- he wouldn't control his spending, he drove without a driver's license for nearly 40 years and we had terrific fights about this. Finally he had a huge car accident -- luckily no other vehicle or person was involved. This occurred when I was in hospital for respiratory problems. He was so fully focused on his "near death experience" and at the same time would tell everyone he was "great" and I was "great." He's cut himself off from his children, didn't want more children, so I had three abortions. We live abroad so I cannot easily see my two sisters. One incidentally married to a bi-polar man. She won't talk about this with me. We've made our living writing books, which is further isolating. Every time I cultivate a woman friend, he tries to break this off or he talks them down. He is on meds and not drinking now, but spends most of his time working on "computer problems", even after I come up with solutions to get an expert to the house. There are always health complaints -- but part of this is not taking prescribed medications for a stomach ulcer. At home I can always escape to another room or leave. But when we go out together -- I feel trapped and get very angry. He is always criticizing me about my "terrible temper" and has done so for most of our marriage. Right now I have some big health issues and am going through tests for cancer. This of course doesn't help things. Once I had to go to hospital, he got so drunk he didn't even know where I was. And didn't arrange with friends to come and visit me. I was doing so well with exercise and other things, but the last time I went out for a long walk was when he made his first suicide attempt. I got some good counseling and then we moved to another area. Then I thought things would stabilize, not realizing he was bi-polar. Again, like the first time, he gave me no advance warning and od'ed on booze and drugs. He left no note of explanation. I wish I had let him die the second time, but had already called emergency services and they discovered the empty packets of medications. I had called emergeny services several days earlier because of the drinking -- but they refused to come and said I would have to take him to hospital. He couldn't even stand up so how was I to get him into the car??

He says if I leave he'll kill himself. All the control mechanisms possible. And when he tells me to "calm down" it is in such a condescending fashion that that makes me more furious.

Today something just clicked and I've read lots about coping mechanisms for spouses in my situation. But the hate factor just seems to defeat me and I go into retreat-- mainly reading to escape. Ironicallyl for the first time in our married lives I have financial security due to an inheritance from my mother who died in June. So that at least is no longer a worry because he doesn't have access to these funds. We fought for YEARS over inheritance (he's 13 years older) issues as I felt I was due more than one/third of his estate. This led to a huge argument in front of friends, who we then broke off with completely.

We've done some great books -- and he loves being "famous" and says "I made you famous.' Screw that,, I did every bit as much work on those books as he did. So I am "rich and famous" and horribly angry, potentially very ill, and I feel like I'd rather be dead than continue in this situation of blackmail and manipulation.

I figured I could write this all down and not worry my sisters with these feelings, which they pretty well know. And everyone has problems in marriage or any long-term relationship. I don't want another husband/heterosexual relationship. After three abortions, my husband wouldn't have a vasectomy and I couldn't take the Pill the last thing I want (and haven't wanted for years) is sex. The last abortion was "celebrated" by buying a bucket of Kentucky Fried chicken which he wanted. I've jumped through hoops for this man. I should have walked out years ago, but would always think I had been playing a role that created the problems. I can't separate my hate for the BP disease from my hate for my husband.

Philomene

Hi from Philomene -- NO my husband is not in therpay. I had a therapist after the first incident. I now understand the rules about certain events that cannot be discussed in the forum. I started with a new therapist after the second incident, but then the issue of possible cancer came up and I have not pursued this. No i had not children from my first marriage and my husband who already had two children (and custody of then) were raised from age eight (and financed0 with my fulltime participation. He got me pregnant three times, but each time said "we never discussed children" and "I can't have a vasectomy because it will impact on my writing." Being thirteen years younger, and not knowing but feeling that I couldn't really count on him, I did't want to have my tubes tied. He had kids, I didn't. What hurt the most is that I really wanted HIS KIDS -- but that didn't figure into his equation of "being free" at last after his difficult years as a single parent. His masculinity was at stake -- but what about my identity????

My closest friends nad my two sisters and my fromer psychologue all say that I must take care of myself first. I am trying to do that. But although things are "calmer" with the meds he takes faithfully, either I am so habituated to his ego, or his ego remains in place. I am filled with resentment at having been looted of my savings and properties and the large amounts of money generated by books in which I was a full participant but not credited (until recently). When girlfriends would ask him (without any prompting from me) why my name was not on the by-lines -- he was convinced that I had "prompted them" to ask these questions.

I feel his praise is all "condescending" because in fact he wouldn't stay within the rules of mutual decision making a about expensive and excessive spending to achieve his dreams or his needs. Probably 100,000 dollars has gone into computers and software during our marriage. And nearly half-a million on a sailboat. I couldn't even sail and yet coasted through European waters with all our professional materials, possessions, and dogs and cats -- if he had gone overboard -- I couldn't have helped him,, let along known how to help myself. He has put me in physical danger in this way, not to mention the pregnancies. When I was 43 -- a dangerous age to have a child because of down's syndrome etc. I said I was no longer interested. He is a total ****** abouts such issues. If he doesn't want to know something that conflicts with his preconceptions -- he ignores it.

He says he is "cured" of BP, but BP is a chronic condition. I find it difficult to be with him and when we are with friends he spends most of his time talking about himself. I want to Know about other people and their lives, because i learn everyday from them and when they need help I try to help out.

Because he created real problems for me in America through financial transactions carried out in my name, we nearly lost everything we had in Europe in a lawsuit brought by the USG. Thankfully our host country intervened on my behalf. But I can't go back to the USA to be with my sisters or neices, nor was I able to visit my mother because of my fear I would be arrested. That's not fantasy that is a real issue. He said "my sisters no longer exist for him" -- in otherwords he tries to cut off another lifeline.

He is not prone to be physically violent -- but before the September incident I became so angry with him for his drinking that I slapped him twice. that only happened once before in our marriage when he accused me of infidelity, which was a frequent issue in the early years of our relationship and then marriage. He rpeatedly accused me (unjustly) of having affairs with realtors, etc. when we were trying to sell my house and acquire another place to live. But then Prince Charming (typical BP) kicked in and I thought I had found it all. Well what I found, I then accomodated myself to and to a degree that disgusts me with myself. Why I accepted this I can only accept that he isolated me from other people to the degree that it was "gaslighting". That I began to believe him. h esyas I am the best" thing that every hapenend to him that "no one will ever love you like I do". I hope to God that last statement is true.

Thanks, Philomen

Hi and thanks again -- We did discuss therapy after the first incident (actually the second if you count a self mutliation event. Since the event in September of 2013 I've been to Al-Anon support groups and also to a support group for family dealing with psychitrically sick people. At the sedond group I was told "Well, when it happens again, go on vacation". Wake up call or what -- I was really shocked and shakened. Still clinging to the belief I could/ca make it better. He says the house we've bought is his first home -- my response "Why didn't you make me your home?" Like walking into an empty church -- it was only "illuminated" when I went to Xmas eve mass with my neighbor cause her grandchildren were in the "living creche". Suddenly this dreary, almost abandonned Catholic church -- 8 centuries old was warm and filled with light. I am not having an epiphany -- I sioured on religion at the age of nine being told by a stupid Sunday School teacher that children that "hadn't heard of jesus" would go to Hell." Heh, I've never condoned conditioned judgements. That's why I was happy to leave my steady job and go and work solo with my husband.

I have joined a group of volunteers here in Europe -- and will meet with them tomorrow. Everything from collecting food for distribution to needy families. I will work on teaching English and also am very interested in spending time with elderly people who have no friends/family to visit them. Just to listen to them -- to learn from them. And from children you learn so much and laugh so much. I want to dance, to laugh, to sing(though I have a terrible voice). I want to fly. I can fly. I I can dance. But I am not sure that any of this is somethig my husband can share.

I try to forget and i know that anger only takes away your energy and gets you no where. I realize I cannot turn back the clock. I realise that I thought by accommadting him I would receive the same respect and considerationl.

My parents treated my excelllent academic records and other achievements as "normal'. Then when I got my first fulltime job and moved out when they were on a trip -- there was recriminatio. All I took were my clothes and a mattress. My Dad, however, only confided to me of his sense of venerability. I loved him so much. My mom was aloof -- a nurse -- she denied or made me feel criminal when as a child i needed therapy after the death of her father -- it was clear that she could heal "other people' but not herelf or her children. Whiule tellling me I had to "get out of my shell" she lived like a turtle and would never convey the real truths of her life -- when I told her some of mine, she was appalled or simply withdrew.

I feel extremely f-uped. That I have let other people ( my mother, my husband of 35 years) control me.

As to my husband and therapy -- at age 77 for him, teaching an old resistant dog new tricks????? He's resisted this for more than 30 years....And as to marriage therapy -- I don't think we have much going for us except cohabitation -- maintained by meds, (his and mine own anti-depressants). THOUGH I feel I can grow and gain understanding of myself and my future (of course I have to choose that myself and live with the recriminations and consequences).

My two dogs keep me going. How could I possibly leave them. Last summer my husband forced me to participate in giving a drug overdose to one of our cats. Yes, the cat was a bit weird, but he vet said that ethics would not allow him to put the animal to sleep. I can tell you it was one of the most terrible things I have done. But he refused to bring this cat to our new house. Do you know how you feel, forcing lethal meds down the throat of a small cat, then preparing the creamatory fire?

I must e clinically ill to put up with all of this for all these years. I don't know but I think I still hate him more than I hate myself.

Thanks, Philomene

Philomene, my life has been very similar. But I escaped my abusive mother and husband and now am free. Life is not always easy but it is meaningful and peaceful. The wounds/scars of abuse don't heal easily. It is so hard to break free of all the years of conditioning and to challenge all those cognitive distortions that have been force fed to us all these years. Having a sick mother does help to make relationships with sick people our default setting. People tell us to put ourselves first but when our survival have depended on putting other people first, and keeping them appeased, it is easier said than done. I hope that with the support you get here and with your constructive outlets and connections, you might be able to associate with people who can put you first, and in doing so, you will have the opportunity to be safe to put yourself first too in those moments. Baby steps.

I like baby steps and insights about "conditioning'. Like the PAVOLIAN response that makes you so vulnerable to other peoples pain, while ignoring the damage and pain you experience.

I feel like THE WAR HORSE -- can I really survive and thrive -- this situation for partners is nothing less than PTSS -- trench warfare, fragging, government sponsored terrorism. I feel like I'm living with a terrorist.

Philomene

Hey Philomene... he's a Facebook present for you :) https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=783932751623459&set=a.294121643937908.94026.250385954978144&type=1&theater I hope you like it :)

Hey, You seem to be very psychologically aware. Fear of abandonment is a powerful force. It is something that occurs in childhood. If we have a connection needs met in childhood, we do not fear rejection, nor does it interfere with our self worth. We just brush it off and accept that person must not have been the right person for us. We can still grieve the loss of someone we care about but we don't feel inadequate or responsible for their leaving.

Just to help you clarify something in yourself, in response to something you said, I offer that you to consider the following: "Neglectful and abusive partners essentially abandon their partners emotionally. Bipolar can only explain a small part of an abusive and neglectful partners treatment of their spouse." This board is littered with love and concern, among people with bipolar, for their partners. Not all people with bipolar are abusive and neglectful. I don't say that to make you feel alone, but to help you iron out the cognitive distortion that bipolar = abuse. Your hubby is an abuser and bipolar is no excuse for abuse. There are some couples who manage bipolar very well together and use it to gain more self-responsibility and more intimate appreciation of each other. There is much more than bipolar wrong with your husband.

Try to treat yourself. One nice way is to plan to do something nice for someone else... and then turn that gift back on yourself. (We don't tend to give halfheartedly to others but we can tend to give halfheartedly to ourselves - so its a way to improve the quality of self-treating).

You've suffered a lot of trauma, and you are still trapped in an abusive situation, so try to seek safe environments each day to give your nervous system a rest and be very gentle on you. You have endured a lot in your life. Safe environments help us reorient ourselves to "which way is up" within the topsy turvy world of an abusive relationship.

Big hugs xo

Oh I understand the Catch 22 and people need to find their own way in managing such situations, just as I did. For me I had to break away first and as you can appreciate, I still have challenges with trust, but as the years go on, I keep attracting more and more people into my life who share similar values and support me for who I am. I have never had that before - and I'm an old girl - so yes there is always hope. I understand what you mean about difficulty caring for yourself when abused. Remember when you are still in a situation of abuse it is essential that you keep you walls up. Like you say, it is trench warfare... and vulnerability is often capitalised on by someone who doesn't put our needs as equal to theirs. I can understand how enjoyment actually makes us drop our guard and be more vulnerable and that is something we cannot afford to do. The chat sessions are usually about chit-chat atm... I just discuss developing resilience when someone asks. I agree that with sensitive matters, one-on-one is a much better way to work through specific issues. Maybe being in touch with the present moment is a way you start to reconnect with you, while keeping your emotional protections in place. You probably need to be quite vigilant and alert mentally, so increasing in awareness may be able to help you. Possibly just take one breath in and breathe out and observe what it felt like. Alternatively you can focus on what you can hear, see, touch, smell, taste in the present moment. You can also witness your thoughts, emotions and body sensations at that particular moment in time. They are just options. You can trial them all over time and decide what work well for you to focus on. For example, for me, I find listening to all the sounds I can hear grounds me solidly in the present moment. Being in the present may seem like a waste of time in itself, but in terms of resilience, I think it might be one of the most essential foundations. Once you reconnect with yourself, your intuition/wise mind, can help you lead yourself out of the darkness in the way that is the best for you. You are the expert on you and your life. No one else has lived in your body, no one else has walked in your shoes. Being in the present moment can lead to reclaiming your sense of self. If you cannot find a residential treatment centre, taking some time away from your husband in which you can read, journal, cry, sleep and rejuvenate might be possible? It is up to you to set the pace for your own healing and surround yourself with people who respect that this is your life journey and allow you to take the wheel of your own life, to steer in the direction you need - and to use your brake and accelerator in the way you need. Gentle Hugs, Jade xo

Hey Philomene,

Yes, "fun" can be absolutely terrifying for people who have been traumatised, and it actually can be dangerous for people currently being traumatised. You need to listen to you gut with it, because it sometimes neither simple or safe to have "fun" in abusive environments. Survival must come first. Even after we are safe, enjoyment can have become so foreign to us, that feels uncomfortable; vulnerable and unfamilar. Balance new experiencing new enjoyment with brainstorming new possibilities of keeping yourself safer. When something works to keep us safe enough times, we overuse it automatically so much that we can begin to even define ourselves by our survival responses in an unsafe environment. That said, try not to overthink or overanalyse (yep, pot kettle black coz overanalysis is my way of coping!).

I think you have understood what I mean by your comment... "Little by little, with positive input such as you've experienced, then it probably become something more autonomic -- like breathing or the beating of your heart."
I'm glad the sounds you could hear bought you peace. And yes you are right, in that the more we practice these skills, the more likely we are able to use them to help ground us AFTER massive adrenalin surges or during times of over-thinking or rumination. That said, it is not to be used DURING times of crisis or emergency. Our adrenalin surges are there for a reason. It is telling us that there is danger and it is important to listen to that body sensation and decide what is the most effective way to get the outcome we are wanting. Once we have taken the necessary action and the incident involving danger has passed, that is when we can work on lessening our adrenalin in our blood. Stretching the diaphragm is a very effective physical way of automatically turning off the flight/fight/freeze response in our brain. This is done by breathing very deep down into our belly. We cannot stretch our diaphragm when in crisis so being able to do so is the physical way to say to our brain "all is well" and the brain responds by lowering all stress reactions throughout our body.

I find that setting regular alarms helps me tap into sounds or engage in deep diaphragmatic breathing. The more we develop that habit of listening or mindful breathing in our brains, the more we are able to do it after distressing situations have passed and it is time to calm down.

We are unique individuals in different situations. Not everything that has helped me on my journey will help you. But I am more than happy to brainstorm options, for you to trial, for you to find what works best for you. I hope each day you are able to experience at least one moment of peacefulness.

Let me know what is working for you and what isn't and we can see how to fine tune or develop additional skills that may help you improve the way you experience life.

I'm glad my posts may help you to generate ideas and achieve moments of peace.

Jade xo

Oui, il est certainement merde

Whereabouts are you from and where are you living? Being an immigrant would make your situation so much harder. Even more like no doors and windows! I've collected some more gems for you... "Rumination is like taking poison and wating for others to die". "Let's say you want to leave your husband but circumstances dictate that you are trapped. It's about having a slice of the pie even if you can't get all of it. What things can you do to distance yourself emotionally, what ways can you spend less time with him, how can you spend more time with respectful people? Although we might need to parent ourselves that healing does need to be done in relationship to others. It is not enough to change ourselves, we have to develop relationships that nurture our best qualities as human beings. We can change alone but we cannot heal alone." "Many people have a rocky childhood. There is no need to feel ashamed for still carrying the past. The brain is wired to do exactly that. The brain 'hyper-learns' during childhood and that conditioning becames very very strong. We can't change what has happened to us but we can fill up our heart and our lives as an antidote to help offset those influences.

Does the most significant issue in your childhood involve avoiding, approaching or attaching? Ask yourself, what would have made all the difference when I was young, what is it I most long for? Go about creating THOSE experiences. You are not trying to deny the experience but resource yourself to cope with and offset the experiences you have already had." Taken from Rick Hanson, Hardwiring Happiness. I can also talk to you about paper-tiger threats next time... and keeping adrenalin reactions more for genuine unsafe conditions not because a situation is merely triggering a memory of a time where we are unsafe. It is something I struggle with a lot. I have severe Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and it helps me talking to you about these techniques to compensate for our trauma not just physically but in our hearts and minds as well.

Mes pensées sont avec vous l'âme soeur...

Jade xo

Below is the website in regard to what Jade was talking about re paper - tiger threats. I am just reading about it myself.

http://www.rickhanson.net/event/paper-tiger-paranoia

I hope this helps :)

Angel

Edit:  I hot linked your web link

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 1/24/2014 9:12:45 AM (GMT-7)

Hi Jade, Well I think I mentionned that I am having exams for cancer issues. Biopsies show nothing, but there are issues with lungs and intestines. So three more tests, hopeully all done before the end of February. Luckily a neighbor's daughter has her 10th birthday toay -- so distracted myself getting little goodies (and also remembering her brother and sister) as the family is recently reintegrated. Tomorrow I'll be with my friend/neighbor Maria -- meeting some of her "sisters". She said "but we're all black". But I told her that all humans on the earth are descended from a small group of black humans from AFrica -- that's true. Saturday we'll go and eat a belated birthday cake with the family. So another thing to look forward to. I'm okay and realize that we can't drop burdens of regrets, but we can now and again take one of the small stones of regret and leave it on the path. And that the American notion of "happiness" ignores the fact that "happiness" is a phenomena to be treasured, not a guarantee, or even possible to capture it every single day. Accept and embrace happiness when it comes, and accept and work your way through the experiences that are difficult and painful.

So thank you for your concern. Some days my balance is better than others. Today is one where I feel more peaceful. I am celebrating that sense of quietude, savouring it like a fresh mango.

Yes I am an emigree -- America to France.

Good to know you are there for me. Sometimes i just loose my string.

Philomene

Hi jade, NO you didn't "scare me off" with your expressions of reaching out and connection. I write what I think and you should do the same. And there may be times I go "silent". An idea for cheering up that helps me some, keep a big jar and every time something nice happened, just write a little note. Then when you feel down -- fish around and pull that happy event out of the bottle and it will help get you back (maybe). I'm good at offering suggestions, but not so good at carrying out my own sensible advice.

Actually I love the French -- they are really many different kinds of French people -- depending on the region -- some very open, some very formal, some hostile, some friendly. The traditional kissing of the cheeks even varies depending on the region -- 2 times, three times, four times.

Can you chafe a little of why today is troubling you? We both know some days are just rotten, others okay and rarely a day comes along that is like a rainbow. I'm here not just to lean on you but I'm here for you to lean on. It helps me to help others. It gies me confidence that I still have some resources (and I'm not having an easy time, but I am really strong.

A lot my confusion comes from low self-esteem -- in guilt since childhood. Then reinforced over the years. Then there is the issue of feeling how unattainable Joy, happiness, can seem. America sells the notion of "seven ways to be the happiest person in thee world) just like they market hamburgers. Part of this method is to teach you (wrongly) to minimize your pain -- like how can I complain when I look at the starving and bused people around the world. Well, you can't minimize your pain.

There is anAmerican Kabat-Zinn (or Zinn-Kabat) -- check him our on the internet and his books at ythe library that come with CDS for relaxation, meditations. He doesn't push a "religious" but a point of view of accepting that if you feel bad, just feel bad. It doesn't matter. That it's okay to have rotten times, just let them during a relaxation exercise be there with you. Don't fight them. Then having given yourself 30-minutes to 45 minutes of getting in touch with your body and your feelings through this BOdy Scan technique. Then do something really simple -- match up the socks in your drawer or was a single window. Don't go into hurricane mode. Feel good that you've matched your socks and each time you need some socks you get a reward.

My neighbor and friend is from Brazil. Today I'll go with her to a tea/coffee chat session. She said "Well, you'll be the only "white there". Did you know that it is now proven that all races on the earth (human) are descended from the original humans of Africa who were black.)

I do believe in intuitive links to people and sense of kinship. Women do this more easily than men and especially when distance separates us from our siblings and friends from another period in our lives.

So above all you didn't scare me, just got sad and overwhelmed as I think you are feeling today. Please let me know if I can help better. I don't believe in the Pollyanna cure -- we're stuck for life with certain issues about ourselves. It is sometimes more than you think you can do -- just to get out of bed. Focus on the first reward -- like a really special cup of coffee. Then have a second one. Then if you feel like you want to hide, well hide for a while. That's okay Everything you feel, do, experience is OKAY. It's not weird, defective, abnormal -- it's just what is going on at a particular moment. And to deny the negative feelings only makes it more difficult to cope. Don't punish yourself for feeling bad. "I feel bad, I have reasons to feel bad, so I'm gonna feel bad for a while". Even giving yourself a "five minute I'm gonna feel bad moment" can help to compartmentalize overwhelming feelings.

Everyone on this forum is reaching out or extending a hand. WE are all bonding -- bonding means lots of things and people express their need disere and feelings of bonding in different ways. So xo, hugs, and write to me very soon.. I need more sisters in my life, Phlomen.