Anger with ipolar spouse

Hi Ben -- Well my husband too had a bad car accident two years ago -- but the BP symptoms were there all along. It's pretty well impossible to get someone committed no matter where you live. It takes at least two phsyiactrists to evaluate and even then…. But this escalating abuse and lack of sleep plus the fact that we are hitting the spring-sun changes (that's a factor too in BP) makes this really tricky. Does she admit/see that she's BP? Was she actually treated/diagnosed for this? I guess so but you say she's been off meds for 20 years -- why? Is it only recently -- meaning since the December eruption -- hat you've been coping with these symptoms? Alcohol often gets tangled up in the lives of BP people, which leads to situations in which they put themselves and/or others in danger. In an emergency situation, where hospitalization is called for I had the chance to press for more information, which led to a clinic and finally a diagnosis.

What about your wife's family? Is there anyone she's close too or has she burned them all off? As for yourself, there are many mental health support groups -- talking with others who are in your situation -- look into that. Nothing like comparing experiences.

All these ideas mean you've got to get your own energy up -- but its self-defense. Doubtless you are worn to a frazzle --

Philomene

Hi Ben -- I know where you are coming from about the ego-issues of BP. If, as you say, her family loves her and enjoys her -- can you talk with them about YOUR issues. They are making you carry the whole burden for them. I've been lucky to be able to ventilate with my sisters and step-daughter. But when I "pre-diagnosed" BP months before a second clinical stay, I begged for help. But no one could come. Partly people don't know what to do. That's why trying to find a support group for family of bp spouses is really important for you. We imagine everyone we meet is "normal" except for our spouses (and the lives we live as a consequence). What you find out is well, you are normal and that most people have gone through incredible and tragic family events.

We get used to walking on eggs, and that builds up a lot of resentment and anger towards the spouse. This seems to be for several reasons -- one is the bp person wants you to feel like they do -- I mean really up or really down. They are afraid of your independence, maybe to the point of being afraid that they'll be left alone to cope. So while there may not be "direct" "visible" abuse of you, this IS A FORM OF ABUSE. When you find yourself in pointless arguments -- just leave the room, or the house, go for a drive, go see a movie. This isn't permanent abandonment, this is just a way of getting the message across that the other person needs to and can take responsibility.

Abuse can be insisting on unwise decisions, unwise spending, over-indulgence in just about everything to the point where it derails you, your plans, your thinking. You've got to start thinking about YOU, that you are number one. You are not superman -- make that clear. I had been superwoman in the sense of unraveling and getting the messes straightened out. Superwoman died early in 2012.

If your spouse refuses therapy, meds, etc -- well are you willing to talk about your issues with a professional? I think you are aware of that living with a bp spouse can cause the other partner to take on a lot of guilt, and also to become very depressed at not knowing how to get "free" of some of the long-term patterns of behavior that you've cultivated to keep things "on an even keel" at great expense to you.

Quit focusing on your spouse, start focusing on YOU. What would you like to be able to be doing that you can't do know? What things -- little to start -- could you do to make your life more sturdy and safe for you? Writing a diary or keeping a little notebook is good not only for ventilating, but for beginning to cultivate new ideas? Why not talk to you general doctor about YOUR problems with all of this? The spouse is NOT the only patient, not the only person who is suffering from this illness.

That's a lot to ask of yourself, to open up to someone -- but you are already using the forum. Family, well, they are in a different position from a professional. And if you don't like the counselor, then change to someone else to you find a person that you feel confident and comfortable in. Who listens, who asks questions (Or at least listens to the questions you are asking, which are really questions you are asking yourself -- how am I going to keep going?) The answer is that you can only keep going by developing and practicing certain strategies of positive change for yourself. Do you ignore the damage you're suffering or do you move ahead and try to prevent further damage and to understand just how you've been damaged?

Think about this aspect of things. Think about setting aside time each day just for you -- one thing might be to get some of the audio tapes by Kabat-Zinn -- especially using the one called "full-body scan". It focuses you for 45 minutes on breathing, on feeling emotionally what you feel, and working your way through your body. I used this intensively to get through a real crisis and made it clear to my spouse that "this is my time" do not "interrupt".

Guess this gives you a bit to think about.

Philomene