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Please tell me it isnt my fault

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Posted 1/5/2015 10:25 PM (GMT 0)
I met and married the woman of my dreams 4 years ago. I knew she was bipolar, but she said 100 times her prior symptoms were because of her household life prior. Her family according to her was abusive and caused all the prior issues. We had a wonderful relationship. Traveled, fixed up our home, ect. I mean to the simplest detail we just fit together so well.

1.5 years ago, she convinced me and her doctor that she didn't need her medication. Her reasons for this was we wanted to try and start a family and was afraid of side effects. Her doctor agreed and she went off. 4 months went by, all was well. Then many troubles from outside our relationship burdened her and she fell into depression. Her parents found out she went off her meds and that she kept it from them because they are extremely controlling.(her mom is extreme bipolar) Them finding that she was off meds and being kept from them caused them to go into extreme control mode. They wrote a 10 page letter to her DR claiming I am controlling her and forcing her off meds. Of course I didnt, it was her choice. Basically it has always been 4 people in our marriage.

She suffered depression for months and finally sought help and went back on meds. Almost immediately she swung in mania. It was shocking to see a completely stable woman completely out of control. She had all the signs. Extreme spending, lack of sleep, uncontrollable thoughts and actions, illusions of grandeur. I was getting constant calls from family and friends asking if she was ok. Everyone noticed a giant change. She was written up at work for her behavior and disrespectful attitude. The list is a mile long.

7 weeks ago, right before Thanksgiving, she left after a minor disagreement. She first went to a hotel, then of course fell back onto her parents and went to a hospital. Her controlling parents sent me a threatening letter not to contact them or her.

And this morning I received divorce papers.

So basically only a few days before she left, we were writing baby names down. Planning trips for our anniversary. Now I am alone. I am completely heart broken. I did so much for her.

Am I at fault?

What is very sad is, I will be ok. I am still young, without kids, I own a business, ect. I feel so bad for her. She will be single soon, living with her parents, bipolar, jobless.

I have been told she will soon stabilize and all of a sudden realize she has lost everything and show back up at my door. Is this true?

Post Edited (Sadhusband) : 1/5/2015 3:30:53 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/5/2015 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
It is NOT your fault, living with someone with bi-polar is very difficult (I'm bi-polar but under control with medicine). It is sad that her parents have so much control over her, I'm sorry about that. And yes she very well could come knocking on your door again once she gets under control, it is up to you what you do about that. It very well could be if she stays on medication she could live a near normal life, but it's hard to say so you have to be aware of that and decide if you take the chance on her and possibly living a roller coaster life. You also need to decide if you go back with her if having children is a good idea, I would think long and hard about that giving her recent episode. Although I have 3 kids, (all grown up now) and wouldn't give them up for anything it was hard. Either way you decide, know that this is not your fault. Welcome to HW and the group, you'll find this group for supportive.

*******************************************************
Fibromyalgia, COPD, Bipolar II, GAD, sleep apnea, arthralgia, insomnia, paresthesia-bilateral feet, degenerative disc disease, diastolic dysfunction, GERD, Hypertension, lumbar disc disease, urinary incontinence, Peripheral neuropathy
Posted 1/5/2015 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
Angellisa,

Thank you for your response. One point. While I am heart broken, this entire year has hardened my heart, so I am thinking very clearly and calmly about it. What I mean is, while her leaving is sudden, its been a very rough year.

Here is my concern. She was 100% stable for 7 years prior to going off her meds. Her DR always said she was on the lowest dose of lithium possible. I have no doubt should could be stable again and for the rest of her life with the right care.

I also have no doubt that the divorce is 100% her parents pushing her. "Treating her like a baby" doesnt even come to describe how over the top her parents are.

So my decision isn't just about my wife, its also about her parents and how I could even move on with them.

Its shocking to me, that a woman just out of a psych hospital, who clearly isnt stable, is allowed to file divorce papers. I read that in most cases, it takes a person 3 months to 6 months before stabling out.

Post Edited (Sadhusband) : 1/5/2015 4:07:29 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/5/2015 11:02 PM (GMT 0)
Also from what I gather, people who are manic seem to file divorce at a very high rate and often retract it correct?
Posted 1/5/2015 11:26 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know about the statistics about manic people retracting their divorce, although it sounds plausible.

It is sad that her parents are controlling her, as I agree I doubt the divorce was her idea. Being she was just hospitalized and is trying to get stable, I doubt a divorce was her first priority and her doctors would also tell her not to do anything drastic until she had time to stabilize.
Posted 1/6/2015 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
Another question.

The court allows me to require marriage counseling with my wife. Would this even be worth it in her state?
Posted 1/6/2015 12:43 AM (GMT 0)
It might be, it just all depends on what you want? Do you want to remain married to her? Will her parents even allow it, it doesn't seem like she has much control over her life, that's truly sad.

With the proper meds, she could start feeling better in a couple weeks and feeling more like herself in a couple months, but it depends if she is on the right meds. Do you know if she restarted the same meds? Sometimes when people go off their meds, they have a hard time finding the same balance they once had on the same meds and new meds might be in order. Hopefully she doesn't have any problems and is back to herself in no time. It is very possible to live a normal life having bi-polar, I pretty much am a even tempered person since I've been on the meds on I'm on for the past few years, haven't had any manic episodes.
Posted 1/6/2015 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
I have not heard or talked to her in 7 weeks. Her brother, who happens to be very down to earth, is also a doctor. He was keeping me updating, until his parents figured out we were talking, and they cut off telling him anything.

But I am sure that she is on a wide range of medication.

I off course would give everything I own, except my dog, to stay married if I knew she would be somewhat stable.

I am 100% convinced she will stable out, given her past history. Only this time I and everything we built will be long gone.
Posted 1/6/2015 12:59 AM (GMT 0)
Well don't give up then if you want to remain married, if the court orders marriage counseling then by all means go. Her parents can't control her forever, sooner or later she is going to want to see you I"m sure of that. And what you built isn't gone, it can be repaired, it will take alot of work on both your parts but it can be repaired if you both give 100%. I'll say a pray for you, that things work out.
Posted 1/6/2015 9:13 AM (GMT 0)
bi-polar, yes complex, i am a man with it, high functioning and in a loving relationship. with this condition it is about effective management of the disorder. medication, psychotherapy, and working through stuff so that you know what to do before the **** hits the fan. i am fortunate that i know when i am becoming manic, and or when i am going into a depressive crash. educating people is everything. more so the person with the condition!!!! you may have seen the raw side of bi-polar, but people with it, who are managed and stable are very intelligent and resourceful. basically, you can and people do stabilze and function. poor old bi-polar is nowadays labled as the crazy disease because of mania, not saying you do this, but the stigma is far greater that of many of the other complex mental health conditions. healing thoughts.

sorry about the family and you coping it. that is wrong and basic non acceptance of ownership of there daughters condition.
Posted 1/6/2015 12:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Sadhusband,

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry for your current situation. Please know that this is not your fault. Bipolar is treated with both meds and therapy.

If you want to be with her, you should try to sit and talk to her to find out what she wants to. It takes two people to make a relationship. Communication is one of the things that is essential. If she wants to try and make things work too, marriage counseling would be good for the both of you. This will be a first step to see whether things can work out or not. It will take sometime.

Please check out our resources are where you can get information on Bipolar and dealing with a partner's mood swings:
www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=350839

Please know that we are here for you.

UA
Posted 1/6/2015 12:34 PM (GMT 0)
Towards the end, she and I spent weekly sessions with both a marriage counselor, as well as a personally counselor for her. Her original DR dropped her because she only wanted to see a Christian counselor and would not use the counselor connected to her DR office. So right in the height of her issues, she lost the one DR who i felt could help her most. She didn't get a new doctor for a few weeks and by that time, she was loosing complete control.

The problem with any sort of counseling, was in my opinion, this was not addressing the core issue. She would admit she was bipolar(only twice) but she would never admit that her actions were from bipolar. She would always blame something else, towards the end it was always me.

Also, the counseling was always all over the place towards the end. One week our marriage was great, the next she was accusing me of abuse.

Luckily, our counselors could see right through it.

I think this is what really bothers me. Its one thing to say you have an illness, no matter what it is. Its another to accept it, and seek help for it, and understand ones actions are linked to it.

And I think thats a core issue with her parents. Even though they should be experts in this subject and should be able to see the signs, they seem blind to it and are taking her lead that its just easier to blame me for everything.
Posted 1/6/2015 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
Another thing I forgot to mention. She not only completely shut out me, but she has completely shut off all of her best friends. No one has heard from her. I get calls daily asking what is going on.
Posted 1/7/2015 6:59 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome! I am so sorry you are heartbroken right now. You obviously love your wife and I know the hurt can feel unbearable at times. It is important to keep in mind that you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. Have you gone through any counseling in the past with her? HUGS!!

~Ducktapetherapy77

Posted 1/7/2015 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
Ducktape.

Towards the end we spend $100s of dollars every month on counseling. The problem that bothered me, was it never focused on her Bipolar, just our relationship.

To me it was like when you try and build a bridge without building a foundation.

Our marriage, I swear on the bible, was amazing prior to going off her meds. And I would always think to myself, my wife needs to get stable before marriage counseling.

When she would stable out, our marriage went back to being great.

Post Edited (Sadhusband) : 1/7/2015 12:11:19 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/7/2015 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
My Dr put me on xanax to help control the anxiety and minor depression just yesterday.

Never in my life would I expect to be taking such medication.
Posted 1/7/2015 8:10 PM (GMT 0)
It's okay Sadhusband, sometimes we need a little something extra in life to get thru, that by no way means you are lesser of a person, many of us take medication. Hope things are looking up for you soon.
Posted 1/7/2015 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
You know whats amazing about this whole process is my eyes have been opened up towards mental health. My family in Germany, who are very strong mentally if you got to know them, even they have had major mental issues and spent months in a mental hospital during rough times in their lives. I have also found out that many people I know have similar issues. The sad thing is in America this is very hushed up, while in Germany it is very open and there are so many more resources to help those in need.

I am making a commitment this year, divorce or not, to contribute some of my charitable givens to mental health causes.
Posted 1/7/2015 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
Yes mental health issues are pretty taboo topics in the USA for some reason, considering so many have mental health issues it doesn't make much sense, does it? It's good that you want to help out people in need, I think this will only make you a stronger person. Kudo's to you.
Posted 1/8/2015 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
I hope the Xanax will help you.

Sounds like a great commitment. I'm glad you're going to do it.

UA
Posted 1/12/2015 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
I admire your commitment! I agree, America has failed in many ways to address mental health. I recently read a very good book called; Troubled Minds, by Amy Simpson. I dont want to put a link on here, but it might be worth checking out. Try to be patient, and stay on course. Hugs & Blessings!

Post Edited (ducktapetherapy) : 1/13/2015 10:48:10 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/15/2015 2:24 PM (GMT 0)
I wanted to give an update.

The divorce is moving on. I have done my best to reach out and reconcile. I wrote a nice and compassionate email to my wife, her parents, and brother. Right away I got a nice text from her brother stating that the email was very appropriate. BTW, her brother has not in any way been updated to her condition. They will not tell him a thing.

But sadly my wife sent the email to her lawyer and I got a very stern email from her stating that you can not contact her anymore.

So as I said, one minute we were planning the future, the next she is completely gone and has not in any way given me a reason. She wont even talk to me. She wont talk to her friends down here. She doesnt even want to see our family dog which she loved. There is no explanation to this. I am a strong person but I find myself sobbing uncontrollable several times a day. I am surrounded by many pictures of the memories we made. Our entire home is filled with pictures of us on many trips.

As I also said, there is no way my wife is in the correct state of mind to be making these decisions but I completely believe her parents are pushing it.

I really feel for her. I will move on and be ok with time. She will still be riding this roller coaster. She is truly under the impression that she will immediately find a new husband and start a family. I really believe she has no understanding that her actions are not healthy and I have been told that most times people in extreme manic states do not even know what they are doing.

If you are reading this and are bipolar yourself, I am in no way putting you down. I truly would give all that I have to have her healthy again. I have done my best to ensure her life was loving. I did fail her many times, I am a good yet imperfect man who was thrown into a situation completely out of my understanding. I wish at first I put more effort into helping her at first, but honestly she never wanted to help herself until she checked into a hospital.

Post Edited (Sadhusband) : 1/15/2015 7:41:34 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/15/2015 3:35 PM (GMT 0)
You can't help somebody if they don't want it. Don't feel guilty, I don't think that this is your fault. Maybe just a change of feelings on her part.

There is still life out there. Don't let it pass you by in the meantime...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 1/15/2015 7:14 PM (GMT 0)
I"m sorry about the divorce, although I know it is not something you want, I think it is best for you to let it happen and move on. I know that is easier said then done, but you have done everything you can and this is just something she wants. Perhaps in time, you two will be able to talk so you can put this all behind you, but life goes on and you must too. Best Wishes.
Posted 1/15/2015 8:45 PM (GMT 0)
I guess my biggest issue is what to expect. The marriage will be over for me, as well as legally, but not her.

As I said, I have done a lot of research, talked to experts, talked to men who dealt with the same issue as me. They all say the same thing. She is manic right now, she will even out, and she will return.

It may take 3 months, 6, or up to a year.

I fully expect based on her past history to even out, she will hoop in the car and arrive at my door.
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