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Insecurites about having Bipolar

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 2/2/2006 6:56 PM (GMT 0)
So, I have been diagnosed and stable on medications for about 3 years now.  I have been doing really well and show almost no signs of having bipolar disorder.  I finally got my life back together and am finishing a professional program in school.

The problem is that I feel incredibly insecure about having bipolar disorder.  I appear stable on the outside.  However, on the inside I feel like I have this wall that I have built around my emotions.  Every so often I will let myself feel really bad about having bipolar disorder, and might even cry about it.  This isn't all the time, and I usually don't feel very depressed.

Logically I know that I have this disease, and it isn't my fault.  However, sometimes I can't help but feel like it is my fault.  Sometimes I feel like if I should have been able to controled my emotions, and behaviors when I was manic.  Does anyone else have these feelings about being bipolar?  It is hard for people who don't have it to understand.  So, I would appreciate any feedback.

Post Edited (Jade11) : 2/2/2006 12:45:28 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/2/2006 7:37 PM (GMT 0)
The stress you are feeling can cause problems.Blow it off,relax & enjoy your life.NOT your fault things happens.As long as your Meds are wotrking be happy.
Posted 2/2/2006 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
I too have been where you are. I have spent alot of time beating myself up for not being strong enough to control my symptoms. I don't know about you but I've also had alot of so called friends and more than one family member tell me that i need to just get over it. I think alot of people think this is an attention ploy. Or a character flaw.
In reality, trying to get over bipolar by sheer force of will is alot like trying to control diabetes with positive thinking. Not gonna happen. It can have disasterous results.
Many people just don't understand and I have become very selective about who I confide in. Thats why this site has been such a lifesaver for me. This is a place where I don't have to worry about what I say, I can be honest and truthful and I will be accepted for who I am, not the disorder I have.
Welcome to healingwell Jade
I hope you find all the comfort here that I have
Ellie
Posted 2/3/2006 9:03 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks for the comforting message Ellie, I really appreciate it.  For the most part my family is really supportive about me having bipolar.  I have one sister that is not as supportive as everyone else.  At first she thought I didn't have it.  I kind of liked that, when I was in the denial stage of diagnosis.  But then it almost seemed like she blamed me for the manic behaviors, and accepting the diagnosis.  I don't really know what she thinks now, and don't really want to bother asking.  She is happy that I am doing well, and that is enough for me.

I have not even told the friends that I have made this year at school that I have bipolar.  I just don't know how they would react, and I don't want them to think of me differently.  I think I would have to get to know them a lot better before I said anything.  I have had friends in the past that have been supportive about me being bipolar.  However, I have since lost contact with those friends.  It might be just because we took different paths and lost contact.  Although, I can't help but wonder if them knowing I had bipolar changed things.  For now I am just sticking to talking to my family, the therapist/doctor, and support groups about this illness. 

Posted 2/4/2006 6:06 AM (GMT 0)
Jade trying to stop mania by will alone is like trying to lift an elephant over your head, even if you succeeded for a moment it would come crashing down on your head. The real measure of your responsible and strong character is the fact that you worked through this illness with your medic. It is the real you that has achieved this - the you that had to fight this thing. This despite the raging chemistry inside you. Look at how strong your body chemistry is. Remember how it changed your body at adolesence, could you have stopped that by will power? For those of us who have been there, and for those who bother to find out, we know what a statement of character that is. A character that is worth being proud of.
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