Help me understand my wife

hello, my name is shane....my wife and I have only been married for close to two years now. She has always told me that she had never really felt right, and sort of not the way other people seem to feel. I knew she had problems controling her emotions sometimes and would be totally irrational or didnt want to get of bed some days, and I know we argued some but I thought all releationships went through that. then my wife had to leave for 4 months to go train for a new job almost 3 hours away. We have a 1 and a half year old son so I knew her going away for this long would be hard on both of us, especially her. The last few months she had been very distant, going out with some people at work and things and I didnt think much of it. Until she cam to me saying she though we needed counciling for our marriage because she didn't think that is what she wanted anymore. Well this scared me to death, and I was reluctant at first because I thought it was just because she was away from her family and being independent. So Finally it came to a point where she flat out told me she didnt want to be with me and wanted a divorce. At that point I knew something was majorly wrong so we got counciling. The councelor could she that something wasn't right with my wife and told us from what she knew she was almost sure that my wife was bipolar we I couold tell devistated my wife because she sort of thought she might be but no one ever had told her she might need help for it except for her OB doctor after she had the baby said she might need some counciling . So I immediately called a psychiatrist but he couldn't see us for 2 months. Our babysitter had a cousin staying with her who has bipolar II and was taking meds so we thought my wife could talk to him and help her understand it. That turned out to be such a bad decision, they connected in a way my wife said that she's never connected to anyone before, he could understand exactly how she felt all the time; which I know I can never do because I'm not bipolar. This guy had been off his medications for almost a week come to find out and was just coming out of an addiction to heavy drug use. He now drinks too much and my wife would help he sneak alcohol to him behind the babysitters back because she understands how bad he feels he needs it and he was giving her so much xanax if was making her not be able to function...by the way, i'm only finding this out today about all of the sneaking, if I would have know this is how they were going to react to each other I never would have let them talk, I thought he could help but I think he was worried about was feeling the highs of what he was doing and didnt care at all about my wifes situation. When all this came out to his family they put a stop to it and he was threatening to kill himself so they had the police come to take him to a rehabilitation center. Now my wife feels as if some of this is her fault and knows that the only person she's been able to truly be honest with and know how she feels is gone but she can't be around people like that...right? I have been doing all I can to read up on this disorder because I have never had any kind of exposure to depression or any type of mental problems. Now she is so down and depressed that she keeps saying she doesnt want to be here anymore, that she hurts everyone around her and how she has always felt evil and knows she's going to hell. I feel absolutely powerless to help her, so I called the doctor and told him it was an emergency so we can get in today to talk to him. Am I doing the right thing?...she has told me in the last few weeks that she has pushed everyone thats loved her away because deep down she says it almost makes her feel good, but she cant help herself and she's trying to do that to me. But I dont want to let her go, we have a beautiful baby boy, and I care so much about her that I just wish I could take this all away from her but I can't. Please help me and inform me of what I can do to help her anyway I can.....sorry for the long post

Shane,

It certainly sounds like you are doing everything right up to this point. The best thing that you can do to help your wife is to keep an open mind and seek professional help and keep going until you find someone who is understanding of the situation. Its a tough spot that you're in, but its important to keep in mind that there are all sorts of options to help get your wife out of that awful place and to help keep her on more stable ground. Don't feel guilty for introducing your wife to the other fellow with BP - you didn't know how it was going to turn out. You could have been introducing her to a postive influence that might have been a help - it was crummy luck that he was in a bad spot too.

I guess for me, the biggest thing is to surround myself with people who understand that I have an illness (although they may not understand the BP itself) and I can't help the way that I feel, but know that the situation is temporary. I also need people to understand that its not a matter of just "getting happy" or "getting over it".

I have to apologize for posting just a quick reply, but I'll try for a better response later when i have more time.

My thoughts are certainly with you and I hope that you can find some comfort in the drs visit today.

Take care,
Putter

You are doing well. Most people don't even get going until much later in the process. While keeping contact with the other BP is not advisiable now, introducing her to him was not actually as bad as you think, in as much as she now knows that there are other people out there like her. This, believe it or not, can be a secrete glimmer of hope for her - "there are people out there who understand" and it may make it easier for her to work with her medics when she gets the help she needs.

"she keeps saying she doesnt want to be here anymore, that she hurts everyone around her and how she has always felt evil and knows she's going to hell." This is typical of the more delusional depression, but strange as it seems often people with this level of intensity do better under treatment, because they are ultimately more motivated than those with lesser symptoms to adhere to medication. Part of the trick in dealing with this is to recognise that her statements are exagerations of some form and occasionally show her a counter example. Remind her of something good she did. Tell her of some love she has shown, by a kind word or generous act now or in the past. Recall the positive things. When depressed, she might not seem to hear your reassurances, but she still needs them and benefits from them. Encourage her to not make big decisions until she feels a little better, reminding her that she can always make them later. Avoid feeling hurt by recognising the chemical nature of this, and that comments made may be even less thought through than a drunks mumblings. The one thing that is definitely true even in these communication is the deep dis-ease felt and her desire to relate it to you. Above all remain open to her in terms of listening, and showing a sincere desire to understand as best you can. Finally, don't be affraid to take action to protect her from herself by calling medics and where advised or no advice available going to ER [increased agitation is a sign to call her medic].

When it comes to the relationship between you both the best thing is to work with the medical team to help her find a more balanced life that allows her mood to remain more stable. Then address whatever real concerns, if any, there may be without the distorting mood swings.

It is important too to remember you also need help at this time. So, it is time to invoke the help of family, friends, and professionals, where possible, to support you supporting her.

Keep us posted

You both are in my thoughts.

Post Edited (SMSIRL) : 2/3/2006 10:43:40 PM (GMT-7)