Stuff, things and hospitals

I ended up in hospital this Wednesday and ended up in the psychiatric unit at Heatherwood hospital.
I got terribly strong violent urges and I suddenly 'woke up' realising I was slashing my wrists.
I was scared because it wasn't a rational 'I want to die' thought, so I couldn't talk myself out of it. I just had the urge and did it before I realised what I was doing. So I was terrified I'd find myself doing it with a real knife. The object I used was very blunt fortunately
.
It was enough to prevent me from finishing what I'd started, and things are ok at the moment.
There's some confusion about the BP as one of the doctors listed a load of things that BPs do that I don't do... despite me having told about 5 different doctors (including her) that I did do those things.
But the senior consultant having read all the notes seems to have done a 'hang on, actually...' over this.
I'll see my normal GP on monday and sort out medication. I've been assigned a community psych nurse and a psychiatrist, all of which is being done under Reading as I move into halls in a week.

I'd say don't worry, I'm not a homicidal lunatic... but that's only when I get onto medication :-P

Feeling rather good at the moment; hospital wasn't too bad. I had my own room, and I got to see Rob in the evening.
And I have Rob now.
He is truly, truly fantastic.

So... I've told my friends using my livejournal, and people will still have to bear with me a bit whilst I settle - I'm still very manic, and although the nurses couldn't see it; it's pretty obvious if you know me well and know what kinds of things I normally can't talk about.

Obviously there'll be some time whilst I get used to medication, but that should solve most of the problems, and Rob and I are going to work on a special system I got from a book that will solve any kinds of bad problems as and when they happen, rather than me sitting hiding from him getting worse and worse, which is what I've done so far.

I've got a LOT of really good things to look forward to at the moment - Uni, Rob, the Bengals thrashing the Steelers on Sunday, so there's a lot of positive for me to focus on, so I should be ok.

I just lost control a bit on Wednesday. It happens to everyone. Unfortunately for me, it was rather serious.

But I'm ok. I have Rob

Oh and the ward had a cat!

Djonma sweetheart, what a few days you've had. I'm so sorry you found yourself like this, but so pleased that the object was blunt and that you got help so quickly. -- And I'm seriously impressed at your attitude to all of this. Your response and summary speak nothing but sanity and good sense to me. -- The bp may cause you to have terrible moments, but *you* are very strong, and I've never been more aware of that than I am now (and that's saying something, because I've sensed for a while how strong you are).

As you say, the positive here is that your help will come sooner rather than later -- and I'm rooting for you for Monday!! -- And you're right, you've *so* much to look forward to: not just uni, Rob and the Bengals, but a whole life in which I just know you'll end up thriving because of all that strength and talent.

Big hugs to you (((Djonma))) -- and for Rob, who I think is a star in his own right.

Love ya hun,

Rosie x

P.S. A ward cat? -- What a brilliant idea! That's forward thinking in the health sphere. Oh how I wish I had a cat ... one day! Can you have a goldfish in halls? They're also very relaxing. I miss my last one. Think it may be time soon to get another friendly lil' fish for me!

Oh and I must say - I draw a lot of strength from here!
Even when I was in hospital, I knew I'd be able to come home and post here and everyone would understand!
It's amazing just how much that means to me.
You all understand exactly what I'm going through, that really makes an amazing difference.
I can talk to my friends all I want about it, but they won't really understand.

Rob understands a lot more now; I made sure he was with me all the time when I told my 'life story' to a million different nurses and doctors wednesday night. I've told him EVERYTHING I feel and think when I'm bad, including all the terrifying thoughts of hurting him and other people.
He's watched me go through this and he's been there every second that he's been allowed (visiting hours in hospital permitting).
So although he hasn't got it himself; he understands a hell of a lot more than most people without it, which is really good.

We're going to be making up cards from the BiPolar Happens book. That card system she made. Rob and I think it's a fantastic idea and since we're both still pretty new to understanding all of what's going on with me (I'm still looking back at my childhood and thinking "OH GOD! That was mania!") it'll help us cope a lot.

I'm going to give a set to the university disability office as well, so that if I have problems, I can go straight to someone there and they can look at the cards and work out what to do.
I've got a mental health nurse (though I don't know his number yet and haven't met him yet, I think I'll find out about that on Monday) and I'll have a Psych doc, and I have the crisis team phone number, so I'll give all of that information to the uni as well.
I think it's best if they know what to do if I'm bad.

I've hidden all of this WAY too long, it's time for me to not hide it from anyone, and to talk to people who can help when I need it.

It's kind of odd... like I told Rob last night... I feel different.
Like things have changed now.
I couldn't work out if it was a good feeling or a bad feeling.
Rob agrees that things have changed, but now I see it's good.

My whole life is changing; I'm admitting things to myself that I hid from myself.
I'll get help and counselling for the abuse I suffered.
I'll get help with the bp.
I'm going to Uni.
I'm planning to lose a load of weight and start rowing for the uni team (going to see if I can start a disabled team - adaptive Rowing has finally been accepted into the olympics!!)
Things are changing.
And it's about time too.
So I've worked out that different feeling is good.

Yeah, I definitely think it's time for medicine now.
I've coped as much as I can for all of my life, and it's just got worse and worse, as it does without treatment. So I just need some help with it.
There's nothing weak about that.
Let's face it; this is a genetic disease, it's as physical as a broken leg!

I'm a little worried about how I'll cope at uni whilst trying out new medicines - I think I'll get my first lot of medicine Monday, and I'll talk to my doctor about that, and about those worries, and then I'll phone the disability office at the Uni and tell them about the diagnosis and that I'll be starting new meds and that I might have trouble adjusting to the medicines at first.

I don't think they'll let me have the cat in all seriosity.. and my parents are moving to Crete as soon as their house sells, so if they move before I get somewhere that allows a cat, it's too late :-(
But I will try.
You don't lose anything by trying!
And it's a proven fact that animals help patients of all kinds, physical and mental.
And my cat really does help to balance me.
So I will try, it's all I can do

Hi Djonma,

Good plan to contact the disability office about the new meds. You might also want to tell your personal tutor or the year one tutor (don't know what the system will be at Reading). Don't feel you have to, but if they're approachable it's often good to have someone who knows and can help you with the work side if needed. I'm a year two tutor at Portsmouth and have a few students with similar problems who I work with on how best to manage things during crisis times. That said, I've known a few tutors in my time that I wouldn't take any problems to, so go with your gur instinct about them. In any case, you can always ask us about stuff and we'll help!

You might be right about the cat in halls thing. -- Hope not, but glad you're considering the possibility. Sorry your parents will be moving -- mind you, holidays should be lovely! :) Seriously, see if they'll compromise on a goldfish if they won't allow the cat. I know some people thing goldfish are hardly pets at all (which is good for getting them into halls!) but they can be so relaxing to watch. All this talk about pets recently and I'm going to go out and find myself a lil' fish myself!

Rosie x