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My mom refuses to go see a doctor

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Posted 9/26/2006 3:25 AM (GMT 0)

Hello! I am new here. *waves*

My mom is manic depressive, extremely paranoid, obsessive compulsive, etc. My family has been trying for many years to get her to see a doctor, but she refuses to go. She doesn't believe that anything is wrong with her. She saw a doctor over a decade ago, but hasn't been back since, and she isn't taking any medicine at all. Whenever we bring up the subject of "doctors" she believes we are attacking her and basically starts going berserk. We're sick and tired of her behavior. It's insane. I don't see how she doesn't see that she's acting insane because it's so insane. She's not helping herself or others with the way she is living. To sum things up, I would like to know if anyone has any suggestions about how to convince my mother that she is indeed mentally ill and that she needs to see a doctor. Any advice? : ) Thanks a bunch!

Posted 9/26/2006 1:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bread,

Welcome to HW! *waves* right back at ya! :) You'll find lots of supportive people here -- and I really hope we can help you.

This is such a difficult situation for your family, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through it. Big hugs to you. I had this with my ex -- stopped going to his psychiatrist (which actually wasn't a bad thing in the long run as she was pretty useless!), but it took him ages to go to a new one. Manic depression can come with a lot of denial and fear of being stigmatised, and when you add ocd and paranoia to that you've got a heady mix... . A couple of things helped with my situation. One was lending him a book I'd bought on bipolar (John Miklowitz's Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide -- though many find that Kay Jamison's An Unquiet Mind strikes a real chord -- depends what kind of person your mum is and whether she'd go for a slightly distanced approach or a more personal story). I also made a list of all my ex's symptoms and grouped them up where I could see links; I sent that to him and it did really get him thinking. When he was in his "I don't care, I'm fine" mode, I did also try explaining a bit to my ex how the situation was affecting *me* -- but you have to be really careful about this as it can sound like blame, and it's really not your mum's fault that she's manic d, as you know.

I'm sure you'll get much more advice, and I hope there's something that helps!!!

Rosie x
Posted 9/26/2006 2:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Bread

It is uncanny the people I meet in here.

Another poster has a son similar to my deadbeat brother, and you have a mom in denial similar to my mother.

I don't know how to get past denial. My mother is very ill, but refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong. Appearances are all that matters. Going to a pdoc would not look good to someone, would not be "nice". Who cares about the hell my mother put her children through, as long as we look "nice". Who cares that everyone that knows my mother, knows she is ill. In her mind, no one knows because she chooses to deny the existance of it. Very strange.

Sorry, getting off on the "I hate my mother" tangent there. Come back to reason, now cap. ok ok

Denial is such a powerful thing. I don't understand how someone can do that. Somehow in their mind, if they say its not true it is not true. Kind of like the Sixth Sense movie, they only see what they want to see. Maybe you could have someone besides your family speak with your mother. If she realizes that her bahavior is being observed by a person outside her family, she might acknowledge her condition.

Good luck

Cap
Posted 9/26/2006 4:47 PM (GMT 0)
hi bread, hope you get the help you need. i know how u feel. i guess i have an insiders view here.

i would strategically place self help kinda phamplets all over the house. as she disposes of them i would put more. i would bring home a big box just full of phamplets on:

depression
relationships
family
spirituality
bipolar
ocd
paranoia

anything at all you think might reach her and convince her to get help. that is what i would do. you can get good spiritual phamplets at your local hospital in the chapel. yu could pay a visit to your local psych ward at the hospital too and get handouts and phamplets there. beyond that i would pray big time. i believe God makes a way for those who trust him thru prayer.

Denise:)
Posted 9/26/2006 11:02 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks for all your advice! : )

The thing is... my mom, she can't communicate with people without being mean to their faces. She dislikes everyone. She stays away from everyone. The only people who truly know her situation are family members. No one else knows her well enough. There is no one else to convince her of her illness, that I know of, except my family. If I give her a book about Bipolar Disorder or something along those lines, she'd throw it away. I've tried countless of times to try to explain to her how I was feeling, but she brushes it off as if I had not said anything at all. I feel so helpless. It's not an immediate emergency to get her to the doctor. She's been like this for years and we've learned to adapt to it, but sometimes her moods get out of hand. And when she's in those moods, my dad is the enemy in her mind. She starts yelling at him for no reason, blaming everything on him, etc. I hate seeing him beaten down, unable to do anything except leave her completely alone. I know she could be happier if she gets on medication, and we could be happier. I will try getting some pamphlets and reading them as suggested, and will indeed keep praying. : )

Thanks again for all your responses!

Posted 9/26/2006 11:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bread,

I think at times she's like this leaving her alone is the best thing you can do: just walk away -- she has to learn that this is not acceptable. Bipolar people are ill, but not by any means stupid. Sometimes adapting too much when the sufferer is unwilling to do so is only giving them a sense that it's ok to go on like they have been -- sanctioning the bahaviour.

Have you read any of the stuff you've tried to get her to read? I always read the books I get for my ex before I pass them on (started doing so because I thought they might get binned and then I'd never get them back!). The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide was invaluable to me. If you do this it also shows that the book has been read -- that it's not just your prescription for your mom, but something that you've taken seriously yourself. And you can tell her that it's a loan, and that you found it helpful and would like it back when she's done: if she hands it back straight away you've still gained because you've read it -- and it's not just for sufferers but for family and friends too, with plenty of suggestions for coping with a person in denial.

Does your mum ever put herself or others in danger through her actions? If so, this may be your get-out clause as you can get her admitted to hospital if this is the case. But it sounds like things are extreme but not quite this extreme.

Are you and your dad getting any help yourselves? Dealing with this kind of thing can be very traumatic -- I know: I've been there (and in many ways still am). It might do you both good to get some counselling -- somewhere where you can let it all out and get help for *you* instead of always focusing on how to het you mum help. You two are suffering too -- I really feel for you in this.

Rosie x
Posted 9/27/2006 12:15 AM (GMT 0)
hey, bread.

i know what it's like growing up in a dysfunctional family (where are the Cleavers when you need them?).  it just is.

i'm going to give you some tough love and you may get your feeling hurt.  i don't do this very often, but your situation seems to warrant it.  i'm not here to be liked; i'm here to share my experience and opinion.

your mother may never change.  she's like an alcoholic.  either she can't see that she has a problem or she refuses to see it.  in either case, pray for her - or send her your healing thoughts - and take care of yourself.

i don't know how old you are.  age gives you options.  if you were 18, you could get out of the house and do your own thing or join the military (not a bad life at all).  i don't know how viable this is any more, but over 40 yrs ago i worked my way through college and grad school.  it could be done then, it may ba able to be done now.

the important thing is for you to let lose of your mother and let her find her own path.  many people have to reach rock bottom before they start up.  maybe your mother is one of those.  all that you will suceed in doing by trying to help her is to get her angry and let her take her anger out on you.

with a great deal of love,

warren

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