Bleh

I'm painting things for my boyfriend at the moment; we play Warhammer 40k and I tend to paint his models as I love the painting aspect of the game, and he tends to prefer just playing.
And I needed more paint today, and it's pretty urgent as he has a weekend event this weekend coming, and the weekend after. But he was tired this afternoon and didn't want to take me to town to get paint.
So I got quite annoyed at him and said I'd go on the bus, cos it's that or I have to stay up really late at night to get it done in time.
Partly this is my fault; I always do this, I leave it too late. It's always this time of year as well, for some reason my depression goes mad in October. And this year I've had the terrible mania as well.
But I got quite angry with him as I can barely walk at the moment and I couldn't take my wheelchair as my town is quite hilly and I wouldn't be able to propel myself up the hill from the bus stop to the shop I needed to go to.

So... I spent too much money.
Of course.
I've spent about £150 today.
That's a lot for a poor student.

And so now I'm angry at myself, and him. If he'd been there, I wouldn't have spent that much.
I wouldn't be tired and sore.
But I'm angry at myself because I did spend so much, and because I've not finished this painting already.

*sigh*

And I'm getting really panicky. I think this new medicine is making my anxiety really bad.
God I hope it's just a temporary thing whilst I get used to it, anxiety is one of my major problems.
I've got some diazepam lying around from when I was last on it about a month ago, but I don't want to take it without consulting my GP.
I don't really want to have to take it anyway.

I really, really am filled with self loathing right now.
I hate this.
These medications are meant to stop it!
And I know nothing is an instant fix, and it will take time to sort things out, and to settle into the medication, and to get the right amounts... but darnit I want an instant fix.

Nicola

Nicola hun, big hugs to you (((Nicola))). Please give yourself a break. Yes, it's not good to be spending a lot when you haven't got the money to spend, BUT you are learning things about yourself all the time. Just read back what you wrote: your self-knowledge is striking. You know your triggers; now you just have to find ways of dealing with these things. This is all good stuff to take to therapy with you to work through.

When's your next appointment? And is it pdoc or talk therapy? Either way, it'll be very valuable for you is you can raise the issues you raise here. Remember that some meds can increase anxiety before they settle and start to decrease it. -- How long is it now that you've been on each of your meds? If you think that the diazepan would help, can you phone your pdoc and ask if it's ok to take one? If nothing else, this will alert him/her to how bad you are feeling.

I know the self-loathing cycle and I feel for you in that massively, but I also see a really strong woman who has good reason to celebrate her successes -- and your self-realisation, and your self-control in not just taking the diazepam, are huge successes, ones to be really proud of. *I'm* proud of you hun. x

Rosie x