Mixed state bipolar

Hi, I'm new here.  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I had a psychotic episode 5 years ago, but I believe that I've had it since I was a teen.  I've been seeing the same psychiatrist for therapy one hour per week for more than 20 years.  He's retiring and I saw him for the last time yesterday.  I felt like he was the only person in the world who really cared if I lived or died and now he's gone.

He supposedly had it set up for me to start seeing a nurse practitioner in his practice for therapy.  But when I called today to make an appointment with her, they said she only does consultations for meds.  It's a long, involved story that comes down to the receptionist made a mistake but I went ballistic and totally humiliated myself by yelling at her.  Now, I'm afraid they'll refuse to help me if I call back.  The town where I live has very few psychiatrists and even fewer who will accept Title 19.

Stress is a major trigger for me and right now, I'm under major stress.  Lots of other things going on besides losing my one and only support person, not to mention the holidays are always stressful for me.  When I'm stressed, my moods are very erratic, I go from calm to rage to devastated tears and back through the cycle again in less than a minute.  I get extremely irritable and I can't handle simple tasks like trying to talk my way past a receptionist who doesn't know crap.

My sleep cycle is screwed up.  I can go for days without sleeping.  It seems like whenever I do finally get to sleep, something or someone wakes me up - phone calls, people knocking on my door, whatever. I'm not on meds now because I was really stabilized before I found out he was retiring but this has sent me over the edge again.  I've had so many problems with side effects in the past that he didn't want to start me on something himself but to wait until I saw the NP.  But now I don't know if/when I will be seeing her.

I just hope there's somebody out there who can understand what this is like. I don't have anybody else to talk to right now.  I'm falling apart.

I would call the office again and apologize. You are not a bad person because you used poor judgment over the phone. If they are hesitant to accept the apology, you can tell them that Dr. Soandso had been your doctor for 20 yrs and you are upset by his retiring. That is fair, it is honest and I think you'd feel better about yourself if you'd apologize.

Remember, we ALL make mistakes. We ALL take out our stress, anger and upset on other people from time to time. It is part of being human. THis has to be an enormously stressful time for you and getting out of control to some degree would be expected, but I think you can take it back if you try.

I have been experiencing mixed episodes for many years now even though I was just diagnosed this month with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder with mixed episodes. I am going through a divorce which threw my rapid cycling and mixed episodes into overdrive. I too realize that I have had this disorder for 19 years.

This disorder has caused me to be full of anger and rage. It was eating my alive. With psychotherapy, I have been able to let go of my anger, and it feels so good. I think this has helped with my mixed episodes. During mixed episodes now, I don't experience anger like or to the level I did before. This has made mixed episodes a little easier to cope with - mainly experience depression and anxiety not.

Hi~

I know how you feel. I  have been seeing the same Pdoc since I was pregnant with my 8 y/o son. I feel like he's family. It may be difficult in the begining with your new doc. Then again, it may be nice to see someone different. Who knows? You might just click. When my Pdoc was on an extended vacation, I saw his associate. He was wonderful. I really enjoyed talking with him. He also put a little twist on things. You know, same story from me, but different opinion from another Pdoc. I once asked my Pdoc what he would do with me when it's time to retire. He jokingly said, "don't worry about that, I have three kids to put through college." I know he was making a joke of it, but I went home wondering. It's kinda scary, I have put all of my thoughts and feelings into this man's hands. What would I do if he wasn't there anymore? He has seen me at my best, and has seen me at my worst.

Anyway, I am new to this board too. Wanted to say, "hello" and I hope you get off on the right foot with your new therapist.

Best wishes,

Wendy