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There's something wrong with me.

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 12/21/2006 9:27 AM (GMT 0)
I seriously can't stand this anymore.
Happy. Sad. Tired. Depressed. Lonely. Happy. Angry. Excited. Sad. Tired. Extremely happy. Confused. Insecure. Happy. Tired. Depressed.
I swear to God, that's what it has been like all day. All week. All for the past 3 months for that matter. I really don't know what the hell I'm suppose to do.
I really don't know why I can't just be normal. It really doesn't seem that hard, I mean, a bunch of other people are doing it.
There's soemthing wrong with me, and I don't know what it is or how to deal with it.
I contradict myself in my thoughts, my sleep, my everyday life.
How can somebody hate jealousy yet act jealous all of the time? I hate jealousy....I hate jealous people. It extremely irritates me. But, however, when the tables are turned, I am the jealous one. That doesn't make sense. Does that make me some sort of bigot? Some sort of hypocritical waste?
This is just one of these contradictory things that I encounter every day.
I feel like everyone is conspiring against me....and it's wearing on me. Low self esteem? Possibly. I don't know. I really don't want to resort to "self-pep talks" and what not. I think that would make me even more depressed.
I feel extremely alone. When I am left alone to my own thoughts, that's when things go wrong. Why do I do this? I don't like people that assume the worst, yet I assume it all the time.
Maybe this is a matter of seriously disliking myself.
Posted 12/21/2006 6:32 PM (GMT 0)

Hi there JonT ,

I know how confusing it can be - like there's lots of different people in there all competing against each other , you never know what mood you're gonna be in next.

Have you gone to your docs yet , cos thats the first step. They will then be able to refer you to the right people who will be able to give you the right help.

I know sometimes it's hard to tell someone , but it's not like a broken leg that you can see somethings wrong - sometimes you have to make the first move , your doc will understand so don't worry.

Take care , and let me know how you go.

Smiler tongue

Posted 12/21/2006 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
First of all...normal is a shampoo flavor. Why be normal? Be unique!

It sounds like you are rapid cycling. You don't mention if you are officially bipolar or you just need some guidance. If know you are bipolar, I'd say your meds aren't working. If you are not on meds, I'd say the right meds would be very helpful towards feeling in better control so you can start liking yourself more.

The things I notice first about bipolar people is their shame, guilt, embarrassment, remorse and self-loathing over behavior they truly have no control over. There is this self-flagellation, and it so constant. It tells me we'd all like to be in better control of the things we do and say, most of all things we feel. It also tells me that those around us do quite a number on how we feel about ourselves. What gives the so-called "normal" world permission to scapegoat those of us who are bipolar? Why are we the bad guys? What makes THEM so perfect anyway? If they think the bipolar person in their lives is "dumping" on them how is their "dumping" different?

You are suffering, but you are not alone. This is right near holiday time which I am convinced no one enjoys. THe only people who like it are retailers! If you are truly rapid cycling, get some help from a psychiatrist who can make a diagnosis and give you something to help. Better living through chemistry is not necessarily a crime. If you continue this without help you are going to wear yourself down to a nub and it make it all the harder to get better, not to mention robbing you of the energy to enjoy feeling better.
Posted 12/24/2006 12:00 PM (GMT 0)
I have to respond that I don't think the shame and remorse a BP person feels is necessarily caused by being a scapegoat for society.  You might not even make any noticeable mistakes to the outside world when going through your cycles and still feel terrible and embarassed for what you have done.  It's not that you've done anything that might warrant consequences but a loss of identity that doesn't allow you to relate accurately to what you have done.  Society doesn't make me feel bad, I make myself feel bad.

Yes, sometimes I'm jealous of people that don't run in constant circles but this never overshadows the obvious fact that everyone has problems as well.  "Normal" people, whatever that means, and I'm convinced it means little, are in no better shape than most of us.  Atleast in addition normal life, BP people have some explanation for why we end up in such precarious mental positions.

I'm not trying to be rude, Lady Dragonfly, but I think that "normal" people may have it even worse when things go sour.  Though things are obviously made worse by our condition, normal people cannot blame any illness for there misfortunes.  I do think things are much harder for us, and we need to help each other get through this together.  Blaming society, however, doesn't seem to me as a constructive way to accomplish anything.

D 

Posted 12/24/2006 7:07 PM (GMT 0)

Hi JonT , how ya doing.

Feel free to post as much as you want.

I hope the depressions lifted a bit.

Take care ,

Smiler tongue

Posted 12/25/2006 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
hey, jont,

[aranoia is common to our species - all human beings feel paranoia. some cover it up better thanothers (read Hithikers Guide to the Universe),

all love starts with self love.  if your cup does not "overfloweth" how is there anything to give to anyone else?  this doesn't mean that you are in a state of bliss al the time and that you don't get p*ssed off from time to time.  reality does tht to you.

i agree, the first step is to get professional help.  it sounds to me, too, that you are rapid cycling, which could mean bp.  find a psychiarist who has a great deal of experience wit thisdisease and gt anaccurate diagnosis.  often  ti takes several sessionss before the pdoc can give an acccuprate diagnoses because many other illnesses mimic bp - schjizoeffective disorder, schizophrenia, etc.  the pdoc must see you in each of your states in order to be accurate.  however, the treatment is usually the same:  mood stabelizers and, sometimes, antidepressants.

hope this helps.  stay in touch.

warren

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