Obsessions

When I'm manic I get obsessive. Scarily so.
I'll pick something, or worse, someone, and I just can't stop thinking about it. If it's a thing, like a subject, I'll research it non-stop without sleep and join message boards, forums, etc dedicated to it and I can become an expert in something I've never heard of in about a day, and I can hold my own in discussions against actual experts because I just obsess over it and learn so much so quickly.
This is bad because I need to not waste time on random things, and I need to concentrate on my degree and my life.
Worse though, occassionally I get obsessed with men. When I'm manic I get very sexually manic and it's quite bad. My boyfriend and I don't do anything sexual when I'm manic because I know I don't really want sex, it's just the mania, and I don't want to take advantage of him like that.
But I sometimes get obsessed with other men. Men I'd never normally fancy. I love my boyfriend more than anything, we've been together for 6 years in 4 days, he supports me so much and we're really happy. I would never dream of leaving him, but when I'm like this I fantasise about whichever man I'm obsessing over and I dream up scenarios where we meet and talk and get together, etc.
When the mania finally goes away and it goes, I see that I'd never even fancy that person normally, it's usually people totally not my type, though it's rare that it happens at all. But it scares me when it does. I can feel almost stalkerish behaviour sitting there if I wanted to access it - like thinking about trying to find out where they live, trying to be where they are randomly so I see them. I don't do it, but I think about it sometimes.
This is the one thing I've NEVER told anyone. It scares the hell out of me enough that I get very violent mania, but my boyfriend knows about that. But to tell him, or anyone, that I obsess over other men and sometimes think in the same way as a stalker would. I'd die of shame, I don't know if I could handle that. And I don't want him to know, it's horrible. It doesn't mean anything! I love him, I'd never leave him or do anything, my brain is just being STUPID for a while!

Does anyone else get this? How can I stop it?

Nicola

Nicola

You are right there is a lot of shame in looking at yourself like that. I did it with people I worked with. Not the fantasizing, but rather just obsessing about getting the attention. It was like once I started to get a taste of it, I couldn't stop,..and I would lie and make up stories and time things out just to get that attention. I never thought of it as being in a manic state of any kind. I certainly didn't have that clarity to dx myself. But I recognize now that I was doing anything to feed into that elated state. I think I was on the verge of this depressive state, and doing anything to avoid it and giving that illusion of happiness, both to myself and others. For me to look at it now it is all so shameful to me. And it seems completely illogical. I look at so much of my past and I don't get it...I can't believe that I did the things I did, because that person is not me. I have explained to my husband that it was like I did not have control over my own thoughts and actions. I take ownership over the decisions made, but I compare how my mind processes things now compared to then and I can't believe it.

I believe you should talk to your bf about this. It took me too long to fully understand the importance and power in sharing with your spouse. If he is as wonderful as you say than you will be able to work through this. Pretending a problem does not exist, doesn't make it go away. TRUST ME!!! Plus, discussing it may be the ticket to combating the problem. opening up and finally letting everthing out is medicinal in its own way. I no longer have the need or desire for that male attention.