Tracy, as I was typing the initial note to you, I had a computer problem and had to shut down. When it came back up, I proceeded to finish my note and when I posted again noticed that you had posted back to me already. That is why I said to go re-read it, as I actually had just finished my thoughts then.
I know how hard and disconcerting it all is at the stage that you are. I've been there, believe me. There are times I still end up there, but it is better now, because my confidence is now in tact. I so clearly see the BP playing out in ways I never did before. I take things MUCH LESS personally when he goes off on me about
this or that. If it is feeling unreasonable to me, or seeming too intense on his part for whatever it was that triggered it, I now trust my instinct on it and take it with a grain of salt and don't engage with him about
it. I'll say nothing, or simply let him have his say...(let him get it out of his system), and simply move on. I also don't react to things like I use to. I don't give responses when it will not serve anything because it is not the husband I love that I am dealing with, it is clearly the BP. And the BP, I don't want to have to fight with. I simply disengage at that point, and wait for the moments when I see my H again. The last 6 months, since finding this site, it has helped bring back my confidence that I am seeing things accurately. I have also learned how to stand up for myself in better ways that don’t shame him in the process, but in stead demands him to be more responsible about
his own issues. I have also come to know that my expectations are fair. That fact is....I have a H & S with BP (and accompanying issues). It is NOT their fault they are this way. It is NO different than being married or parenting a diabetic. The only difference is the chemical in their bodies that is out of whack. Both need personal responsibility about
their own conditions….a diabetic needs to be responsible to NOT put chocolate/sugar in their own mouths. A BP has to be responsible for them selves about
what comes out of theirs. Both must be pro active and responsible about
taking their medications and checking in with them selves….a diabetic tests his blood levels daily, a BP needs to check in with his emotional levels daily.
Part of what has helped me so much is that I stopped being angry at him for the BP. Does that mean that I like dealing with the green eyed monster any better...HELL NO! (So many special people here with BP have taught me all this, because where I can’t speak to my H directly…I can speak to them
openly). I now see it for what it is now, and I also really get parts of it he/they can't help. I also learned parts of it he/they can...just like your H at work when he has NO CHOICE but to "hold it together" with his station because lives are counting on him. That pressure brings out his best. By the time he gets home....poof, he is too tired to control the raging inside him self. But, does that make him bad and wrong....NO. That makes him a man with BP, and he needs to simply learn HOW to be more responsible about
it. For instance...there is a difference when my husband starts snarling at me and over reacting to EVERYTHING and is directing it all at me in the words, attitude and tone he chooses, and when he stops himself and acknowledges it is not me directly he is mad at but he is SO ticked off or frustrated with this and that. One makes me feel attacked unreasonably, the other gives me the space to not take it personal and be supportive and just be able to listen to him and empathize. Does that make sense? That little difference changes SO much for me. I so sincerely love this man....BUT he can be a MAJOR pain in the butt!
As to the "intimacy" issues: You're not alone. Our life in that department is practically none existent too. It is not the way I want it, but what is my alternative? An affair? Not going to HAPPEN! I am a true blue kind of gal. I live my life with integrity and work to set a good example for my children. I also try and keep things in perspective on that front. If our lifetime is 50 years together, if you add up all the times in that span that sex and lovemaking in a best case scenario would take place, there will still be gaps for this or that reason. So...I simply view this as an elongated gap. As things improve with us, then I slowly approach those issues. The thing I have really learned about
BP's in general is that they are VERY sensitive people that are affected by so much. And sometimes, those intimacy moments are simply too much for them on top of ALL the other feelings too close to the surface they are already having. So, it takes a back seat. Is it hard for the partner....ABSOLUTELY!!!! But, it will ebb and tide along with everything else in our lives - the need and desires for that kind of intimacy will go through times of abundance. Grant you I would settle for consistency, but hey…this is BP we are talking about
, and that is not exactly a word associated with those who have it
Does that all make sense? I hope what I shared helps in some ways. I know having a place to go that you can share your feelings, REALLY be heard, and learn new perspectives on the situation can be transformational. I hope it is for you. Take a deep breathe...relief is here....LFW
{Now, LFW, You should know better than to make me edit your language...}Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 12/4/2007 1:59:26 PM (GMT-7)