Rapid Cycling

Sadly Familyman, you can not tell someone what you see if they do not welcome the feedback and rely on it in some ways.  RR for my H & S could be multiple times a month, week, day or even hours...it all depends.  I am sorry you are in such a tough situation.  Don't forget to also take as good care of you, as you are trying to take of her.  Good luck to you. LFW

It can get you in hot water...but, another way for her to question that she is not as stable as she thinks is to question why she is treating you the way she is. Do not be complacent and just take it. BP's ARE capable of being accountable...and should be. I sometimes don't think my H would respect me if I didn't stand up for myself with him. If you don't, it does nothing but tear down your own self esteem and build resentments between you both anyway. That isn't to say become argumentative, but you can say things like...."Why are you speaking to me in that tone? I have not done anything to warrant it. Or, Stop speaking to me so nasty...if nothing else, I expect respect in the way you speak to me - the same as I give you. Or, Why are you seeming so angry at me...what do you feel I have done, because I don't feel I have done anything that should deserve anything like that." Things like that. They are mostly statements, not open ended conversations and it points out that they are going to far, or being unfair, or coming accross in ways that perhaps they don't mean to. It becomes harder to claim things are doing just fine when they have that kind of feedback. And it has to come from a place of standing up for yourself respectfully - yet firmly - that it is NOT okay and you will not stand for it. The minute you try and be too understanding about it...it will only get worse. I sometimes think that my H is doing it just to get me to help him stop by confronting him. He can get pissed for the moment, but then he calms down. Does this make a weird kind of sense to you? When I don't do this, it is almost like he gets worse. These are just some thoughts for you. Good luck...LFW

Familyman, One of the keys to effectively working with someone with the BP condition IMO, is to STAY CALM and NOT say things that are nasty or angry and designed to hurt them back. That doesn't mean AT ALL to be a push over. Everything that needs to be said can be done with firmness and respect, but it is clear to the other person you are not messing around about what you are saying. When you do "pop", you STILL need to be responsible and not antagonistic about it. That does nothing but create a worse situation.

As to the "trust" issues you have going on with her, that is a separate story. Perhaps you can tell your wife that you want to go to see a therapist together in the hopes of working through some of your problems together. That you have a child, and therefore a responsibility to do all you can to keep your marriage strong and happy for their sake. Then, find a therapist well versed in BP issues that can also address the broad spectrum issues you both have going on. A good therapist will earn her trust, and then be able to suggest that perhaps she is not as stable as she thinks. And you will have an opportunity to share your feelings in a safer environment. You must recognize that although you wife is BP, it is not the only issue between you. And some of those other issues are yours. I am not saying it is therefore your fault. I am just saying that the issues that exist beyond the BP are not all hers. Illness or not, it always takes two to tango. So, work on the stuff you can - that would be your issues. Stand up for yourself and demand better from her. And work to get the two of you into a good therapist to work on the relationship in a safer and positive environment.

The rest, all I can share is do your best to stop feeling victimized by her and the BP. You can only be a victim if you allow it. What would you tell your child if, when she/he was older, and was in a marriage to a BP and going through what you are? Then...do that. Sit your wife down and tell her you love her and it is time you worked together on this. That you need to be able to give your feedback to the doctor, or you don't know how things will ever get better between you. It is time to be pro-active. Tell her if you are able to speak with the doctor, perhaps you will also get educated and discover that this is stable and your expectation is off. The bottom line Familyman, you need to make decisions about how you want to live, and is this IT if it never changes? Now as we all know, with BP, it eventually does change....but how long are you willing to go through it? How much damage are you willing to have take place before it crosses the line of no return for you? Are you waiting to not care anymore? The fact is, you need to take as good care of you, the way you take of her and stop putting your needs, wants and desires at the bottom of the list. That doesn't mean TAKE what you need, but it doesn't mean ignore your own needs for her either. Does this all make sense to you? Whatever you choose, do it with honor and integrity both for you, your marriage, and your child. LFW

i am scared to death of losing her and my daughter. I have been through a lot of stuff other than this over the last year and a half. i don't know if I can handle much more trauma in my life. I don't know what to do. I pray all the time and I am not a religious person but I don't know where else to turn.

I understand your frustration, but please avoid writing in all caps as it denotes yelling and is potentially upsetting to readers. Thanks.