Posted 12/16/2007 6:48 AM (GMT 0)
Serafena, You are dealing with the plight of EVERY mother on the planet....BP or not. But to put things in perspective for you, let me share this....With my oldest he was an only child for first 7 1/2 years of his life. He received a lot of wonderful attention. And, like your daughter, there was always the feeling like it was NEVER enough. So, one of us, either my husband or I, or a nanny, grandparent, pre-school...etc...kept him 100% supervised, loved, protected, interacted with....etc. He is now 14 and has NO capacity for alone time. WE BLEW IT! He NEVER really learned the skill of independent play. We did him a REAL disservice in this fact. We should have focused on even proportions of interaction time with independent time. Now....let's be clear, independent time does NOT mean unsupervised or unsafe. But...constant one on one interaction....NO, it is not good. Independent play, independent functions are a SKILL, and they are critical to have your child learn. The experts I know in the field of child development say that 30 minutes of floor time play with your child at a time is PLENTY! If you are up to more, or want to do it more than once a day…fine do so, but is you also want to clean, do house projects...fine, do that too. Have a basket that is your daughters; have it filled with toy "cleaning equipment", coloring books, blocks, toys...etc. so, she can go to whatever room you are in, help mommy clean – give her a corner of the room to start…or let her play….but she needs to independently play on the floor as you do your things. Then, she cleans it up by placing it back in her basket/wagon/giant blanket she can drag from room to room....whatever. This would be her "travel' playthings for your house. She may resist at first, but you keep redirecting her to doing her own thing, while you do yours. She will eventually adjust to this and begin to learn the balance of getting attention, and self stimulating activity time. Plus, if you have her as your helper, she will learn to clean up on her own eventually and not grow up a person who has no discipline for picking up after themselves. It will just seem normal to do it for her.
As an example of how this translates for kids, my oldest even to this day has a hard time doing his homework independently. He ALWAYS wants someone to be close by to sit with him, work on it with him, help him (and not because he can't do it....but because he feels LONELY and then has a harder time concentrating). This is a direct result of the fact at the appropriate age that we should have allowed him to develop some of these skills, somehow - with the best of intentions - we failed to do so. And by the time we realized it…it has been hard for him to develop it. He is doing better, but it IS hard for him. I have friends who have kids that were naturally independent and didn't NEED that level of attention...mine do. With the twins, we have had to insist they learn this skill starting at the appropriate age of about 2 and they now do so without issue. My daughter can go and play in her room, or play area and cook up all sorts of things in her play kitchen, or do art, or read. My younger son has imaginary battles in his Viking costume, or he’ll play Nintendo, or build cities with blocks or legos. The twins are now 6 1/2 and they not only will play together, but at times, independently from each other too. They are healthy in this way. Their personalities have developed the right balance.
The key is, does your child know they are loved, safe, and cared for. I assure you that your daughter does. I am not saying that every mother does not occasionally feel like a crappy mom. I certainly do. But, I don't think that is a BP thing. That is just a mom thing and that is simply part of the process of being a mom. I remember being told in my mommy & me class with my oldest, by the facilitator of the class, that through all the stages of growth that our children would go through, there will be stages our partners would take the lead and be the better parent in those moments. That we would actually trade off. And it has turned out to be true. Knowing this has helped with my guilt at times. I also remember her saying that don't be shocked or surprised if there are certain ages we didn't like parenting or really being around our own kids. She said her favorite stage was this and that, and she HATED being a mom during the "blank" year or two (I don't remember the specific stages she mentioned...but you get the point....I am sure it is different for all of us anyway). And this too has proven accurate.
So, in the end I say bravo to you for caring so much and wanting to do the job of mommy to the best of your abilities....BUT....give yourself a break...guilt serves nothing. You and your spouse are partners and doing a great job with your child. She is safe, provided for, loved, and nurtured at every turn....whether or not you read her 4 stories a night. Provider her with picture books she can look at and tell herself some stories for when you are not up to it, or for that matter...have her tell mommy a bedtime story by looking at the pictures and making it up if mommy is not having a good day. This is another way she will grow up and learn compassion and giving and taking - that it goes back and forth. Sometimes you get, sometimes you give.
Sorry for the length, but as you can see I have strong thoughts on this subject. Remember, parenting first and foremost is about LOVE....making sure our children know they are loved, no matter what. Every one of mine surely do…they know no matter what I am there for them 24/7 forever, and my love for them can never go away…it is strong and steadfast. Your daughter knows the same. You’re doing a good job. HUGS....LFW